Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by lonel, Mar 17, 2014.
sorry for the rant but here goes...
most days i dont get out of bed. I dont go outside really. I hate where i live, and my living situation- but im paralyzed to change it. Ive been struggling with depression for years- decades. But now i feel broken. My life is shit and i have a tremendous amount of work to do to get back on track, but i cant even get out of bed.
The self talk in my head is 'I hate my life and i wish i were dead'. I prey for death so this could be over. I dont think i want to off myself, although im older, im still young enough to have a second chance- but i have zero confidence in my ability to make changes. and i dont want to hurt my family- i dont want to leave that as the the last gift i give- but i cant go on like this.
Im haunted by the past. I feel empty and broken. I feel like a failure. I can see steps i could make to improve, but i cant make myself do anything- sometimes i get panic attacks and just hide deeper in my bed, but instead of being a place of rest and comfort it sometimes feels like a tomb. i wake up exhausted and go back to sleep after several hours and have disturbing dreams- so its not even restful- im exhausted-
over the years ive learned alot about depression and how it works, and when i have some clarity i can see the evil ways it affects my thinking, but when it builds up- all that rational thought goes out the window, and im back at square one and theres always that voice- which ive spent years trying to change to positive- but it keeps saying 'i hate my life and wish i were dead' and then the thoughts about how screwed i am flare up and its like a thunderstorm in my head- but i can find shelter and here we go- im a failure- ill never change- im worthless- the future is nothing but more of this shit-the only way out is end it, and so on.
but i know its not true- i just cant convince myself to make the small steps to start making progress.
ive tried medication and finally found one that kinda of worked- meaning it took away the constant desire to off myself- but i was complacent not to do anything- just zonked out i guess- so i took myself of it and managed to get a temp job- which really helped- but that didnt last and w/o the meds- its like theres no net when i fall off the wire- just crashing and crashing down and down. Also coming off them was horrific and the closest ive ever been to ending it was, after looking back, due to the withdrawal - and for this reason im terrified of going back on them.
i realize depression distorts my perception, and i can see it eating my soul like cancer, and ive learned many ways to fight it but i cant muster the strength to make the first steps or even get out bed- and sometimes i feel like i just dont/cant care anymore and whats the point.
sorry for the rant- but i needed to get it out.
Hi lonel, pleased to meet you That is what SF is for, getting it all out....... it really helps, and especially to find a community where your feelings are accepted and respected and there are caring people here who will talk with you and listen.
I can see that there is the real lonel there, trying to get out, but not knowing how. It's great that you had the temp job, and you know that it does make a difference to take your mind off your anxieties, and that you are capable of doing this. I have a commentary by Parker J. Palmer I could email you, about his experience with debilitating depression, and how he found that first small step that was able to change his perception........PM me your email if you'd like to read it
thanks for the reply urP
Im not familiar w/ Parker Palmer but when i googled him a ton of stuff came up. I think there are many things i am passionate about ( when i feel ok) and so there are many reasons i can give myself to keep fighting (when i feel ok) and sometimes i can imagine having a good rest of my life- but when i look around at my present circumstances - its like sticking a needle in a balloon- i feel totally deflated and my motivation is gone and everything is black again.
but i appreciate your kind words and will read some Palmer when i can ( sometimes thinking and reading about depression is so.. depressing - humor intended)
ok - the reason why I mention the article I have in particular, is for a specific paragraph only that was enough to help me recover a few steps upward of my own. I've tried to copy and paste it - but without success - I shall try to find another way to get it to you, but have to go out now......
it sounds like meds were help, tho there is some scary withdrawals. maybe you need to be on meds permentally but the idea is to get off them and get better, I know you have a lot of fear, fear of failure, fear of nothing to fall back on, fear of going out... is there any way to conquer these fears without going back on meds?
thanks urP- and thanks sr- yea i have gotten relief from meds in the past, but i dont really like my doc and getting him to prescribe them was like pulling teeth and i dont want to go back on them for the withdrawal- i mean it was really really bad- even if i missed a couple of days it was bad- but it would probably help - also i dont like the idea of being on them permanently- i felt like a prisoner- and they really zapped my motivation to do anything- like look for work- but i was on them for years- and they did remove my desire to kill myself- so idk- i wish i could find a good doc and find a solution.
as for fear- idk- i already feel like a failure - and ive been trying to go back to school but im not currently. im middle age and i feel like i need a career so i can have the chance to do somethings before i die. maybe my biggest fear is wasting my life. but i hate the location where i live- in fact i left 10+ years ago because i felt i was on the edge- and i made a new life- (i literally got n my car and drove 1000 miles away and started w/o knowing anybody ) but i came back ( although i felt it would be the end of me) for family reasons which were initially to be short term, but here i am 5+ years later and ive lost all momentum, and all hope.
but i know my life is a rollercoaster and i could start to feel better tomorrow. spring is almost here and i like to go hiking so i know a few hours outside will help- but right now i feel trapped and broken and hopeless. i was up all last night and around 4am just started crying and i realized i cant go on like this-and i decided maybe this is the year i do it ( i always try to put it off - one time that procrastination works in my favor haha) but i also realize no one knows what the future holds and the gloom may break any day ( or it may not ) -but with spring i know i will feel a little better and summer is nice , but then its back to the same.
but when im rational i think that if i can make baby steps and move in positive direction i can make progress and get momentum and i know i have the potential to enjoy life. buy idk - right now all i hear in my head is 'i hate my life and wish i were dead'
I totally believe in you lonel, that you have the power within you to regain motivation for your life - I can see it written in your posts, there is the real you who is trying to shake this off and emerge like a butterfly from its cocoon - a few hours outside on a nice day away from town if possible, out in the hills........fresh air and exercise will get those endomorphins buzzing, (or whatever they're called!). Even if only a baby step, it will be a step you can feel proud of accomplishing at the end of the day
thank you urP for the kind and compassionate words- i really appreciate it!
Thankyou lonel - I was just at the kitchen sink when the thought occurred to me, regarding the title of your thread - and what it's saying is that - basically - this is the 'self-talk' of the false lonel. I've had a lot of work to do on my own false self-talk and have learned some good things that do actually work. If there is any self-talk triggered by this, such as "wow, wonderful for you but it wouldn't work for me" - that's another example of it! It's totally possible to learn how to identify what is of the real you and what is of the false -
I just write that to encourage you as another baby step towards re-fuelling your hope-tank. With all these things, please be kind to yourself and give yourself time - time is a great healer when it comes to changing your life. You are not alone in doing this - especially on SF
ive spent alot of time thinking and reading about self talk-( and depression etc. ) and ive learned there are techniques that can be used to change ( not totally) it - you cant control automatic negative thoughts, but you can control how you respond and react to them- and this is what gives them a lot of power- unfortunately, when depression gets bad- it seems like all the work ive done goes out the window and i go back to bad patterns- but basically the dialogue in my head never really goes away - one humorous way i tried to visualize it was sitting in a room with dozens of animal heads on the wall each with its own voice- sure its all from my brain somewhere, but its not all rational or helpful and some are hurtful and harmful - but instead of fighting i try to embrace it and this seems to take away a lot of its power- like when i hear myself saying ' i hate....' i just say , in my head, like im talking to a child- ' yeah i know thats how you feel, but...' then i try to throw some positive thought on the end and this seems to help- if i just deny it - it gets stronger- if i believe it- it gets worse, but its a constant f-ing battle that i seems to be losing at the moment. but who knows what the future holds and thanks again for your kindness.
also i would love to hear what works for you
urprecious pretty much covered all I would have said,i think your in good hands, i'll leave you two to it. btw unprecious golden advice btw.
keep fighting the good fight lonel, combat those negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. good luck.
remember it you should faulter forgive yourself quickly and pick yourself back up
thanks soulreaper- good advice- but sometimes hard to do.
ive always had a problem hating myself and had a hard time forgiving myself even for things that were just in my head and not real also i know i will continue to fall and it takes a long time to get back up (even with all my practice) - but thats my life and i want to keep living it until its over ( or at least thats what i tell myself)
my head is on a rollercoaster, but now im bottoming out- theres something i need to do, but i cant make myself do it- because im up all night and exhausted by the time morning comes- there phone calls from a potential job i keep avoiding becasue - why? im afraid i guess- afraid of what? maybe tht people cna see through me and see what a piece of shit i am- maybe im afraid of setting myself up for failure- maybe im comfortable where i am because i know i cant really sink much lower unless i were homeless or worse- so i guess i could get lower- but why cant i even try? i feel hopeless and worthless and then here come the thoughts of ending it.
finding this forum was helpful, but whats the point if nothing changes - i mean its been 2 days already wtf?(haha) maybe i need to g back on meds- and get some relief- it would probably help me to be able to make other steps forward and before you know it - bam im making progress again- but i cant go on like this- my back hurts from being in bed 23+ hours everyday- sometimes my skin crawls because i hate my room my house my city myself my life and i can even deal with it - i just avoid and deny and push it away so it can blow up later- good plan-
i dont know what do do about the phone call- i really dont want to talk to anybody and i was trying to salvage working w/ this company because i thought id burned my bridge, but i emailed making some lame excuse about not being about to talk on the phone- but they called again today and i feel like 'FUCK OFF' stop calling me- if you need to talk just email- idiot- but i need to work- but im afraid if i start another assignment i wil just fuck it up and then i will really burn this bridge- fuck im so stressed ove such a little thing and i cnat think straight and i canr even get out of bed to do the simplest thing- fuck
OK lonel I do hear your pain, believe me. You say you'd like to know what I've tried regarding the self-talk thing...... Well, it has been gradual, and I grant you it is still a battle in some respects (I cannot describe here what happened that made me suicidal, I hope that's OK - but I have to fight my thinking about it daily - anyway, doing that has taught me that the battle is actually win-able!). The greatest step, if you're sick of only baby steps is to tell yourself TRUTH MAKES FREE. (Hitler had it wrong in the slogan over the iron gates of Auschwitz - Arbeit Macht Frei (Work makes free). What the human race needs is Truth to change individuals and situations. The other one is: INSIGHT HEALS MINDS.
Send these messages down into your psyche and tell it that this is the way forward. It is NOT the truth that you actually are your negative identity - those things are lies. Have you read "Telling Yourself the Truth" by William Backus and Marie Campian? That was how it first started for me, and then 12 years ago I found a mentor/counsellor who takes it a step further (well, lots of steps actually) - I can send you his details privately if you would like them.
Keep posting and writing and communicating because these things are beneficial in themselves, - you get to understanding that you are not alone in this, and that there are very definitely practical things you can do to change things around. I wish you well in that phone call about the job. You ARE capable of making the reply they are asking for and you ARE capable of doing this positive step for you because you are going to make your mind into your best friend
thanks urP- I really appreciate your kindness- looking at my last post-wow-im really all over the place and its becoming more obvious i need to do something(positive) i cant go on like this.
I havent heard about the book you mentioned but ill have to come back to it- im just not up to anything atm. but i like the idea of sending positive thoughts into your unconscious as a way of mitigating destructive thoughts- i think i first heard about from Wayne Dyer, not sure if you are familiar w/ him but i like a lot of what he has to say ( and i also think a lot is not for me, but i try to use what is useful)- also i am sorry to hear that you are still fighting with thoughts form something that was along time ago- but its great you realize its winable-
'work will set you free' horrific indeed but this reminded me of Viktor Frankel who was a camp survivor and had an amazing life story and autobiography that i can recommend 100% its ' Man's Search for Meaning' in fact a google search of 'viktor frankl pdf' brings up a link to the full book.
as for the phone call- idk im terrrified to commit to anything because i feel i will fail and then be in a worse position, but also i know that being forced to get up and having somewhere to go as well as money coming in are all very good things- and ive been trying to position things so that i can still work for them later ( ive had 2 assignmetns in the last 9 months ) and then i can work on stabilizing myself a bit - but maybe i feel pressured and maybe thats whats freaking me out- i dont know what to do
thanks again urP
I listen to C.Ds of Thomas Merton (taped in the 60's) and he mentions that book 'Man's search for meaning' by Viktor Frankel. I've got TM's 'Self-Actualisation' series, and together with "Healing our Violence' by Keating & Rohr - I reckon there's enough medicine in these to make anyone completely well
You say you feel you will fail - but feelings are unreliable guides to reality, don't let them control you any more. Speak to your feelings, out loud if necessary, and say that you will not believe them. There is always a greater truth to be had than any inaccurate feelings, that will make them shut up over time A person who says "My feelings would never lie to me" will end up self-referential and self-deceived; feelings are no way to navigate a life - our job is to place our trust in objective truth and that is a journey open to everyone who wishes to take it I am sure VF says the same ?