I hate myself for wanting food

[I_waste_everything]

When I've made a good stretch of avoiding solid food, I get impelled to hork starches, and give in. I'm disgusting.

It would be one thing if I were choosing right at the outset of life, but I have wrongchosen, and wrongchosen, and wrongchoose only, all the time, which means I'm a waste of life, a waste of the attempt and the effort, and I don't deserve to even take up space, let alone keep taking in stuff that makes me take up more space or at least keeps me taking up the same amount.

And when I get struck by the what-if that I'm really one-and-done , every chance of myself bygone, and my hope for the re-happening and retry is in vain? My deserving of starvation compounds!

Yet eat I do. I keep feeding the sinful bag. I keep feeding the tumor on Earth and humanity. I'm greedy. I'm wrongchoosing. I'm too late.

 

[may71]

I keep feeding the sinful bag. I keep feeding the tumor on Earth and humanity.

I don't think there's anything so bad or sinful about you. Like Vladimir Putin probably doesn't even experience a fraction of the self hate or guilt that you do, yet he's responsible for the death and suffering of millions of people.

I'm greedy. I'm wrongchoosing. I'm too late

I don't think any of those things is true. You're putting the responsibility for your traumas on yourself and your choices rather than where they belong, which is on those who have traumatized you.

You're not greedy. You're also not too late to change things and have a better life. It's probably going to take some work to convince you of that though.

 

[I_waste_everything]

Thank you for this, may71.

I have an update. I have successful seen through more than one more-than-one-day fasts in the last week: One, 39 hours long, then a second one, 26 hours long.

A breath in, a breath out. These two are each rare achievements for me- I think the 39-hour one is a new record for me- and I'm learning to not force myself into self-hate for having broken the fasts at all, and instead feel soothed that I successfully made it more than twenty-four hours each time.

I look in the mirror and I feel like I don't see the progress I want to. I may very well only be holding steady in calorie so far rather than achieving a meaningful deficit. However, I do see in the mirror now, someone who is at least trying. That's way better than who's been looking back from it otherwise.

My biggest win is managing at all to push away my stress-eating and pastime-eating habits, and beginning to feel different, make observations that slow-settle and build me, about what I am when I'm not acausally rushing superfluous calories into me.

 

[I_waste_everything]

It helps that I've told me Dad about this and he says he's proud of me. And he, a much more spiritual man, has assured me that God smiles on fasting. This corroborates good feelings I've had in the tail-end of my fasts.