I hate the world today

[ThePhantomLady]

So... I woke from a triggering dream about my past, a minute before my alarm... to another nightmare.

I was going to the pharmacy (yesterday I went shopping, going outside for the first time since I had been to the psych ER on Thursday night)... it went sort of okay... though my anxiety level was pretty high and I think if anyone had bumped into me by accident I would have burst into tears... even if my boyfriend was online and in my pocket constantly trying to cheer me up with his silly jokes... and he did crack some smiles on my pale lips.

It was sort of on purpose that I forgot to renew my prescription on some of my medicine so I'd have to go back into town today (I'm trying to work against my own brain here)... and I was slowly getting myself ready... there's no rush, but I do need the pills by tomorrow as Easter holidays are starting and the pharmacy will be closed between Thursday until Tuesday... despite the dream I felt mildly prepared to go there. I was even planning to go to the art store... it's such a calming place for me if it's not too packed... I love sorting their brushes.

Then came an email... a breaking news thing... explosions in Brussels airport. Brussels is far away from me... but my Dutch boyfriend lives almost next to the Belgian border. Just a minute after he told me to turn on the news, I told him I already knew.
His co-worker was crying. Luckily they don't know anyone who were at the airport. But his co-worker was supposed to be at the airport tomorrow, at the exact same time as the explosions happened today. I told my boyfriend to help calm her down, get her some water...
My boyfriend isn't feeling too well either...

Fast forward... reports of possible bomb threats in Holland. Like my boyfriend said he doesn't live near any big import cities... and nor does his family... but still...

And also... he confessed another reason why he wasn't too well about this... the day he gets a plane to go see me... he would have to fly out of that same airport...

And... I know that a terrorist doesn't always have to go for the big towns. There's a case going on in my city, a girl who was bullied got in touch with terrorists and were actually building bombs, one of those intended to bomb her old school in a small town.

There's sick people all over.


So... I have every reason to just stay inside, hide in my bed, shivering, remembering how awful this world is... and how much proof I have, on my own body even. I was just a little kid when I learned how truly evil people could be. It took my boyfriend to prove to me that good people do actually exist. That is not how it's supposed to be.

 

[Deety]

Hugs and hope you feel up to going out again soon. I'm sorry your day and mindset was altered due to bad news.
Sorry my message is short and not helpful, I just wanted you to know you've been heard and I sympathise.

 

[Brian777]

I'm sorry for your pain my friend. I wish I had words to comfort you and make everything better. All I know to do is send thoughts/prayers of healing and compassion that you have peace and feel better.
Brian

 

[Acy]

A rough time for you...I'm sorry.

I'm very much a fatalist in some ways. I could live to be 120, or have a massive heart attack tomorrow, or maybe be run over by a truck next week, or blown up in a subway bombing on Saturday. The good thing is that I just don't know exactly when or what will happen. It's very hard to live being afraid all the time. It takes away the joy of right now. Precautions and general awareness, looking after our health, avoiding unusually risky/dangerous things (e.g., walking on thin ice on a lake, dashing across a busy highway), looking both ways before crossing the road...we can do those things to help ourselves. The unpredictable risks of violence from others are ALWAYS out there. The horror and terror is that they're done intentionally by other people. I think - for me at least - going about my daily life normally is much better than letting evil-intentioned people ruin my every waking minute. Life is short to begin with. With appropriate caution, life can be good in general. Worrying overmuch about things that we cannot control at all simply takes away from the good in "now". I don't want to give my power away to such people.

But I do understand your fears and feelings. It's shocking and scary to think bad things - intentionally bad things - could brush so close to us or do us or loved ones in. In your current situation, it seems to have come within spitting distance of your BF. But not quite right where he is. It hasn't happened to you, your BF or his family. Yes, there is the risk it might - sadly, maybe that risk now exists for all of us around the world from any number of terrorist groups or factions.

Live the good parts of life. I'm sure you, your BF, and his family are common-sense people who are aware of available precautions. There is little else we can do day-to-day right now. So maybe enjoy and appreciate the good. Focus on creating more good in the world. That can only help. To focus on the fear is to let the fear take control.

I'm so sorry you feel so stressed. Look for the happy and the good around you this very minute. Acknowledge your concerns, but if you cannot change them, move ahead in the now. *arms*