I have 9 lives

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Andrea2135, Sep 4, 2012.

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  1. Andrea2135

    Andrea2135 New Member

    Over the past year I have attempted suicide 9 times. They have had to bring me back to life one of those 9 times and another one of those 9 times I took a seizure and woke up with no speech. Each time I woke up I felt more depressed because I had not succeeded. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and severe major depressive disorder recurring. They even sent me for ECT which did not work. I was just released from the hospital two weeks ago for my 9th suicide attempt. I do not know why I keep trying it I cut as well and have this rage that when I get angry punch walls to the point where I have shattered my pinky knuckle earlier this year. I feel so down and hopeless all the time I feel like a complete failure. A lot of this started two years ago when I lost my mother whom I was very close to. I was always a very angry person even as a child I think a lot had to do with my parents being divorced and my father never being around and my mother always had that grudge so she was a very angry person. Then she got sick when I was young and I had to grow up quick which was hard on me so I think I grew even angrier which could have led to depression. I started drinking at an early age then started using drugs. I know all of this plays a role in my depression and anger, but 9 times in a year and I still can't kick this depression and it's killing me. I just cut again today. I don't have a job and the search is horrible. I get more discouraged each day. I just sold my moms house and am temporarily living with family until I find an apartment of my own which is even more stressful. I had stopped drinking and it has been six months already, but I am slowly getting the case of the "f" it's and wanting to go back because I just hate life that much. My therapist thinks I had made such positive steps forward, but I don't see it. Does anyone have any suggestions?
  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hi there! Wow, I'm sorry to hear you've had such a difficult life, and such tumultuous times lately. I hope it gets better very soon, and that things begin to change in a positive way for you. Congratulations on giving up the drink! I know that that is not something that is easy to do, so way to go on the self-discipline. Making healthy lifestyle choices can have a substantial impact on how we feel both physically and mentally. Are you able to get any form of exercise? Including even going for a walk around the block? I'm guessing you've given the medical treatments (in the form of psychiatric drugs) a go, but how is your therapist? Do you like them? Are they helping? If not, perhaps it's time to look for a new one. Someone you can trust, respect & admire. That's very important in any doctor patient relationship. I think that would be great if you're fortunate enough to find work, or perhaps even volunteer, if you've got any special interests, so that you have something constructive to do with your time. I know that it doesn't pay the bills, but it could be a start to gaining self confidence to the point where a foundation has been established by which you feel good enough about your self to go out and do the things you really want to do. Take Care & Best Wishes!
  3. Jimbojak

    Jimbojak Member

    I'm not really sure what to tell you. I've personally never gotten anything positive from therapy. Sometimes what helps me the most is having someone who's not a professional to talk to. I've had a few failed attempts myself, and know that it's tough to deal with, although I can't imagine nine in one year. What kind of work do you do? Perhaps you could find employment in another town. I'm trying to do that myself because home has too many painful memories.
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Honey, Hi....... I grew up with an angry mother and no father - I know what it's like to have to grow up too quickly without the necessary emotional input. So I do understand how you feel..... After my attempt, I saw a psychotherapist and just talked and talked and talked it all out for a few months - until I got a better perspective on why I did what I did. This certainly helped me..... although he was a professional, he never ever once (probably because he was a professional, lol!) said I was wrong, or inferior, or anything negative, he just let me talk it all out - and asked me empowering questions when he could sense where I was going with it.

    Since then, I know I now have the answers I need to be my own psychotherapist and to carry the job on - because healing will always be needed...... I've discovered more about a heck of a lot of stuff on this journey, would be happy to share with you, or PM if you'd rather. :) Take care, blessings and strength to you
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, congratulate yourself on giving up alcohol. It is very hard to do that, I know as I have given it up myself. I had a lot of suicide attempts last year, maybe even more than 9. I also ended up in ICU. I feel that I've been given a second chance at life and I appreciate all the small things in life now. I wish you the best and hope you begin to feel better soon :hug:
  6. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time of it lately. There's a lot of good advice up there. I have one practical idea for you, if it's possible. Did you make any money on the sale of your mother's house? Perhaps you could live off of some of that for a little while. Maybe go back to school for a particular trade (local community colleges have lots of career certificate programs typically), that would give you more to work with in your job search. It's tough out there right now. That would give you something else to focus on for a while (school) and also give you a bit of a breather to heal from all the trauma you've been through lately. And make a pact with yourself that you will NOT attempt again. You are needed here - you may not even know in what capacity yet, but everyone has something to offer the world. Have you had any DBT? If not, definitely bring it up with your therapist. There may be a program near you somewhere.

    Also, be sure to give yourself small rewards. Every day you don't cut, treat yourself to something you don't normally have - a special kind of latte or something - maybe a music download. At the end of the week, buy yourself flowers. I love fresh flowers - they really help my mood. I once had them delivered to myself in the hospital! Really! The point is, find things you enjoy and bring them into your life as a recognition of your successes. You may need to start small. When the bad depression sets in, I find it very difficult to shower or eat, so on the days I'm able to accomplish one or both of those things, I will recognize my efforts in some way. It works.

    With the right therapy and support, I believe you can get through this.
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