Okay, so to be candid, compared to other people's experiences, I don't think my own experiences are as largely intense and scary. I've had a troubled past and childhood, but I've heard worse stories than mine. Maybe my demons are special to me, but they still bother me like any other person - even if their situation seems more dire. My first post as a new member isn't in 'My Story' for a reason. I don't want to write mine out, but I do want help with this feeling and it's accompanying idea that I have been having perennially and intermittently. I keep imagining myself as not surpassing my family's life, and I feel somewhat fine with that thought. How could I live longer than my parents? As certain events have unfolded in my life, it's been a question of whether reality is worth it. I can see the light, and I can see why people would be happy, but I could also empathize with the desire of escaping just as equally. I can see why some of life's dark tones make it seem like it's not worth the trouble. So speaking for only me, my problem is that I can't rid of suicide as a viable option when the weight of the world seems too morose, too heavy for me to handle. My family is the largest, and probably only reason for my choosing to continue on living, my reason for life. I love them so much, and all of them, with the exception of one person that I don't see anymore, are amazing people. This is when I get this weird feeling. Whenever I do feel depressed, at least in the moment, I sometimes reach a frustration where I wish they didn't love me, so the idea taking my own life could at least be easier. I recognize this as weird because they have always loved me and most of the time I'd of course never wish for their love particularly to stop when it comes to me, but in that mood I can't shake the feeling like I'm trapped. I don't see the world as worth it, as living in this reality as worth it. Yet, when it comes to the people I love, knowing that I'd only hurt them entraps me. When I'm in my most empathetic mood, I hold nothing against the people that do think life isn't worth it, that it is good to have generally. Personally, I have never felt like I fit in right. I am at my most comfortable when I'm around my own family, my most real self. When it comes to my peers however, no matter how much closer they seem to understand me, even if we are mutual friends that have a great respect for each other, I just don't fit in. I have never fit in with a group or clique, or even a body of different people on the internet. I don't do social media, but it's the matter of minds that I appreciate most. Sometimes I will come across individuals that seem to relatively get my personailty and interests, but nothing fruitful is ever produced from the encounter, at least long term. I almost feel that the only reason I can function comfortably at all is because of the love of my family. It's like being adopted by genuine people in a drastically different, and personally, ill-fit culture and the only reason things haven't down-spiraled is because the family that has adopted me is somehow protecting me. The world seems to be built upon a harsh reality, and any well meaning ideology or code seems to always need a leap of faith despite no empirical or rational correspondence. It's very disheartening and disillusioning to find that something you greatly respected is only fictionally molded around something that is rudely different and real. Like modern entertainment, it seems like the only inherently good and desirable way to view the world as if it's good connotations were in actuality something tangible is to make it up and choose to believe and appreciate it. The nature of reality seems to give no uniquely beautiful ideas by itself. Science seems fulfilling in an only intellectual way. Philosophy is too debated and biased. Religion can be too good to be true. Again, I am still looking for somewhat practical advice. How can I rid the thought of seeing suicide as a rational and relieving option when the world only seems to pull itself together when you don't care? Why can't happiness be empirically justified instead of chosen to have? Why should I buy these social customs when people seem to only progress upon a completely superficial, ignorant world? I have thought of waiting till an older age where family will be seemingly having a break from every other pressure before I do it, to make it as less hard on them as possible. When they found out some months ago, they refused the idea altogether and didn't seem to understand why I'd wait at all. They were trying to convince me as much as possible that there is plenty for me to learn and live for. I can't imagine a romantic love life as feasible for myself at any point in the future, especially if my viewpoint isn't limited. I can't imagine having a best-friend that will last through-out the ages. I can't imagine a world that I'd be satisfied with no matter how much time has progressed. Maybe I'm too selfish or spoiled. Looking at things stoically could help, but in my mind, having to do that at all signals an inherently bad world by itself. I told my mother that it's selfish to want to keep me if I ever do feel like suicide is the best choice, because it's my life to take, and she told me that it's selfish to want to take my life in a world where people love me, a world where they'd be forced to go on without me. Right now I can't deny either statements made. I want to live my life comfortably and in according to my interests, but society seems to only discourage any venture that I'd take. Nonverbally, I am told that in terms of jobs, contribution, and worth, that I am in the list of people that are of the lowest value. I won't be rewarded for being myself but I hate the idea of acting like someone else. So in regards to all of this information, is there any practical advice that you could give to sweep these thoughts away? I can't pursue a happy life, if I'm capable of one, when I believe that the world won't offer me one. In other words, I guess I just really want someone to tell me that life is worth living, and that this world is really great place to be in. I want to believe in myself and in this reality. I want to believe in the face of doubt that everything is fantastically worth the effort and hard-ship. I can't be with my family forever.