I have one thought that stops me dead in my tracks

Discussion in 'I Need Some Practical Advice' started by NearRiver, Jan 29, 2018.

  1. NearRiver

    NearRiver Member

    Okay, so to be candid, compared to other people's experiences, I don't think my own experiences are as largely intense and scary. I've had a troubled past and childhood, but I've heard worse stories than mine. Maybe my demons are special to me, but they still bother me like any other person - even if their situation seems more dire. My first post as a new member isn't in 'My Story' for a reason. I don't want to write mine out, but I do want help with this feeling and it's accompanying idea that I have been having perennially and intermittently. I keep imagining myself as not surpassing my family's life, and I feel somewhat fine with that thought. How could I live longer than my parents? As certain events have unfolded in my life, it's been a question of whether reality is worth it. I can see the light, and I can see why people would be happy, but I could also empathize with the desire of escaping just as equally. I can see why some of life's dark tones make it seem like it's not worth the trouble. So speaking for only me, my problem is that I can't rid of suicide as a viable option when the weight of the world seems too morose, too heavy for me to handle. My family is the largest, and probably only reason for my choosing to continue on living, my reason for life. I love them so much, and all of them, with the exception of one person that I don't see anymore, are amazing people. This is when I get this weird feeling. Whenever I do feel depressed, at least in the moment, I sometimes reach a frustration where I wish they didn't love me, so the idea taking my own life could at least be easier. I recognize this as weird because they have always loved me and most of the time I'd of course never wish for their love particularly to stop when it comes to me, but in that mood I can't shake the feeling like I'm trapped. I don't see the world as worth it, as living in this reality as worth it. Yet, when it comes to the people I love, knowing that I'd only hurt them entraps me. When I'm in my most empathetic mood, I hold nothing against the people that do think life isn't worth it, that it is good to have generally. Personally, I have never felt like I fit in right. I am at my most comfortable when I'm around my own family, my most real self. When it comes to my peers however, no matter how much closer they seem to understand me, even if we are mutual friends that have a great respect for each other, I just don't fit in. I have never fit in with a group or clique, or even a body of different people on the internet. I don't do social media, but it's the matter of minds that I appreciate most. Sometimes I will come across individuals that seem to relatively get my personailty and interests, but nothing fruitful is ever produced from the encounter, at least long term. I almost feel that the only reason I can function comfortably at all is because of the love of my family. It's like being adopted by genuine people in a drastically different, and personally, ill-fit culture and the only reason things haven't down-spiraled is because the family that has adopted me is somehow protecting me. The world seems to be built upon a harsh reality, and any well meaning ideology or code seems to always need a leap of faith despite no empirical or rational correspondence. It's very disheartening and disillusioning to find that something you greatly respected is only fictionally molded around something that is rudely different and real. Like modern entertainment, it seems like the only inherently good and desirable way to view the world as if it's good connotations were in actuality something tangible is to make it up and choose to believe and appreciate it. The nature of reality seems to give no uniquely beautiful ideas by itself. Science seems fulfilling in an only intellectual way. Philosophy is too debated and biased. Religion can be too good to be true. Again, I am still looking for somewhat practical advice. How can I rid the thought of seeing suicide as a rational and relieving option when the world only seems to pull itself together when you don't care? Why can't happiness be empirically justified instead of chosen to have? Why should I buy these social customs when people seem to only progress upon a completely superficial, ignorant world? I have thought of waiting till an older age where family will be seemingly having a break from every other pressure before I do it, to make it as less hard on them as possible. When they found out some months ago, they refused the idea altogether and didn't seem to understand why I'd wait at all. They were trying to convince me as much as possible that there is plenty for me to learn and live for. I can't imagine a romantic love life as feasible for myself at any point in the future, especially if my viewpoint isn't limited. I can't imagine having a best-friend that will last through-out the ages. I can't imagine a world that I'd be satisfied with no matter how much time has progressed. Maybe I'm too selfish or spoiled. Looking at things stoically could help, but in my mind, having to do that at all signals an inherently bad world by itself. I told my mother that it's selfish to want to keep me if I ever do feel like suicide is the best choice, because it's my life to take, and she told me that it's selfish to want to take my life in a world where people love me, a world where they'd be forced to go on without me. Right now I can't deny either statements made. I want to live my life comfortably and in according to my interests, but society seems to only discourage any venture that I'd take. Nonverbally, I am told that in terms of jobs, contribution, and worth, that I am in the list of people that are of the lowest value. I won't be rewarded for being myself but I hate the idea of acting like someone else. So in regards to all of this information, is there any practical advice that you could give to sweep these thoughts away? I can't pursue a happy life, if I'm capable of one, when I believe that the world won't offer me one. In other words, I guess I just really want someone to tell me that life is worth living, and that this world is really great place to be in. I want to believe in myself and in this reality. I want to believe in the face of doubt that everything is fantastically worth the effort and hard-ship. I can't be with my family forever.
  2. Dawn

    Dawn Forum Pro

    Hi. It is very common to feel that way when suicidal if u have close family. Many want their loved ones to accept their suicide. But they never will. They don't want u to be in pain at all. They just want u to feel better. I can assure u they will never accept it and will do tremendous harm to them.

    U don't really say what is wrong in your post other than u feel like u don't fit in. If we knew more about your situation it would be a lot easier to give advice. What is making u suicidal? And what have u done to improve the situation? Have u tried meds and therapy?

    U won't be with your family forever, but u could have one of your own. U really have to think about what u want in this life and how to get there. I know it is hard when u are depressed tho. Best wishes
  3. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    My family was already small and then my brother died (accidentally and suddenly - can’t say how because “method”) in 2014. He was 33yo. So suicide became even less of an option.. I have a 16yo daughter to top it off.

    In a way I am saying you ARE being spoiled and selfish. God knows I’m spoiled in some ways (financially) but thinking seriously about suicide is now a “luxury” I just can’t afford. Too many people would be too greatly hurt by my death.

    My life isn’t successful by any stretch of the imagination and I seriously lurch from one disaster to the next :D but I know from my brother’s death that it doesn’t make a scrap of difference whether you’re a failure or a success.

    He was actually quite successful, but you see, after he died my mother ended up in a wheelchair (she’s subsequently had a double hip replacement) and I was the only person she felt comfortable around. It didn’t matter how much of a black sheep I was nor the fact she and I have fought for decades — she needed me and I stepped up and took care of her. Well, I was THERE at least and you just don’t know how much that means to people.
  4. NearRiver

    NearRiver Member

    I think you're right - I am extremely selfish. You're also very right when you say that whether or not you're a failure or a success, it doesn't matter to the ones that love you as long as you're there. That's the point though, isn't it? If you're not living for yourself, then why live? I guess that's also a selfish question, but I can visualize doing that, living for family. However, this is also a point of dread. Even if you do get through the depressing presence of actively not living for yourself, your family will still be sad with the idea that you're not living your life to its fullest, that you're not happy. So you're not just forced to realize that dying will only make things worse for the ones you love the most, but it'll also perpetually make them melancholy seeing you depressed as well. How can you live a happy life with your family when you're not happy living on this earth? How can you live when the only thing worth consideration is them? The problem is not that I personally feel unfit with society, it's that I feel misplaced existing here at all, if that makes sense. Even if it is some ludicrous idea, being universally misplaced, I think it's understandable to say that I am personally not happy with the way life is. There are a lot of good things, and a lot of bad things, and it's a massive struggle, a journey. The thing is, I have no interest in it. I have no real set goals or desires, just things to distract myself with in the meantime. I don't see the point. Life made the most sense to me when I was much younger, thinking that even if bad things could happen, they couldn't happen to me. That they couldn't happen to my family, that they didn't have to live miserably for a time. Then, I could live life carelessly and happily with no real anxiety or struggle. Now I won't expound upon me or my family's misery, nor romanticize it, because I know that there are many other families that have gone through worse. I think misery in itself is something I don't want to have to cope with, something no one should ever have to cope with. I am grateful that you shared your story with me, because it did make me think. I am sorry that you had live with that kind of profound sadness. I am a selfish individual for thinking this way, but this is because by some way or means, I am also incredibly stupid. This is why I want some help getting through it practically. It makes sense to live life for others, to live nobly, but how can I also live a life that would make me happy, that would make my family happy for me? What's the point of coming into existence at all, if you drag everyone you love down with you? Thank you for replying.
  5. NearRiver

    NearRiver Member

    I don't really want to explain my situation, if that's fair. I do believe that depression can temporarily, maybe even permanently, go away when your greatest points of stress and sadness are gone or diluted. However, even through my darkest time last year, my dread and depressing thoughts still persist. It's not as hard pressed, but as every day passes, it slowly chips away my confidence in what is going for me. I have gone to a therapist for the main stressor last year, but I think my point of misery now is more existential. It's similar to the typical questioning of God: "If God exists, then why does he allow so many horrible things to happen?" Whereas, mine is: "If terrible things happen in a world that I don't like, because of said things, then why should I bother living any longer?" I don't believe at all that some kind of fantasy will come of my imagined dying, that everything will be better for me or for what I would have left. I can only hope for an afterlife, but I don't particularly believe whether one exists or not. I am perfectly aware that my family would be gravely upset with my death if I were to die. This is why I agree that I am selfish. But if the point of living is to live happily for yourself, then wouldn't it's death be an option if the state of your loved ones are perfectly fine? Being fine with their life, I'm sure that they would move on, still upset, but overall happy for the journey they've made. Or, that's how I rationalize it. Because I know of families that have lost siblings and parents, and they are still able to live happy lives. Who am I to say though they shouldn't have taken their lives? I am asking here because I know, or rather hope, that something at least mentally is wrong with me, sometimg responsible for my hopeless view of the world. It's not that I don't believe that good things don't exist, it's that I believe the bad things weigh far greater than the good things. It's to the point that a happy life seems a gamble of fortunate, circumstantial dispositions, similar to winning the lottery. I just feel like I'm a puzzle piece that's made to not fit in happily anywhere. Not just socially either. Speaking of which, for the record, I don't have a Facebook or a Snapchat or a Twitter or any main social media account, so I don't rely on other people's opinions of myself to measure my self worth. Thank you for replying and thank you for your insight.
  6. NearRiver

    NearRiver Member

    I'm not sure if I'm missing a point, or if maybe I've done something to shutdown anymore conversation, but I still ultimately feel hopeless. Maybe what I'm trying to convey is loosely correlated with the idea of practical advice, so maybe this is the wrong sub-forum for my problems. There wouldn't be a single response I wouldn't appreciate. I have this perception of the world that I can't find to be anything but true and its more than uncomfortable to think there is something mentally wrong with me to have this error at all. I'm not majorly depressed, but I do have bad episodes that convince me every time that something is seriously wrong and will definitely get worse later on. I've had consistent daily depression before, but luckily I do get breaks now. I'm honestly not good at accurately conveying myself, and I'm paranoid at when I should. Thank you, so much, if you've read any of this.