i have seen horrors (maybe don’t read this)

[Gonz]

I do think it may be a case of no incentive but also being a case of being in denial or dissociation where the issues are not really even truly being processed - (in any kind of positive constructive way). Of course I don't really know if I'm only considering my own experience or if it could apply to what you are talking about here as well.

I mean, there was a certain level of awareness of our situation. But because it was a group of us, rather than one or two "crazies" in a group of relatively "normal" people, there wasn't really a good frame of reference for just how off the rails we could get sometimes.

Like, just one example: Say you have trouble sleeping. Now imagine you share a bed with someone else who has trouble sleeping. Now the both of you are keeping each other up because now you have someone to talk to when you can't sleep. Now add in a roommate who keeps weird hours, so you have someone to keep you company even when your sleepin' partner is actually sleeping, so you have even less incentive to try to keep to a regular schedule because none of you have stable employment and no real structure to your lives, and now all three of you are napping two hours here, an hour there, having an occasional 12-16 hour marathon sleep session, all just at whatever times, until the very idea of regular sleep and wake cycles feels unnatural and forced.

Apply the same logic to drug use, or to self-harm, or to compulsive rituals, or to bringing home more fucking stray cats (I'm positive that all of us had toxoplasmosis, fucking thanks Dawn), and even though on a certain level you're aware that most people don't live like this, it all starts to feel normal.

 

[dandelion s]

I mean, there was a certain level of awareness of our situation. But because it was a group of us, rather than one or two "crazies" in a group of relatively "normal" people, there wasn't really a good frame of reference for just how off the rails we could get sometimes.

Like, just one example: Say you have trouble sleeping. Now imagine you share a bed with someone else who has trouble sleeping. Now the both of you are keeping each other up because now you have someone to talk to when you can't sleep. Now add in a roommate who keeps weird hours, so you have someone to keep you company even when your sleepin' partner is actually sleeping, so you have even less incentive to try to keep to a regular schedule because none of you have stable employment and no real structure to your lives, and now all three of you are napping two hours here, an hour there, having an occasional 12-16 hour marathon sleep session, all just at whatever times, until the very idea of regular sleep and wake cycles feels unnatural and forced.

Apply the same logic to drug use, or to self-harm, or to compulsive rituals, or to bringing home more fucking stray cats (I'm positive that all of us had toxoplasmosis, fucking thanks Dawn), and even though on a certain level you're aware that most people don't live like this, it all starts to feel normal.

I guess we really do come from different ends of the spectrum, whatever that may be. Sill there is connection as I see it. Though the question "why?" is the mystery.

 

[Lisa the Goatgirl]

Man, i knew from the things you'd said in the past that you'd been through a lot, but wow, that is a lot. What i said to you recently still stands though. I, and from the looks of the replies, quite a few others here, if anything just respect you more for getting through all of that and coming out the other side the compassionate, caring, impressively real person that you are. That kinda thing could beat the goodness out of a lot of others, or make them push everyone away for the sake of self-protection. And yeah, having to carry all of this around with you, it's hardly surprising that you can't just be okay all the time. I'd like to think that nobody would expect you to be okay all the time after all that. I'm glad you've decided to open up about these things, and i hope it helps you to process all of it.

And it makes sense how your shared instability with those in your home, and with your wife, would bring you all a sense of comfort. I think that's kind of the same principle that makes this site work. There's a real comfort in being presented proof that we're not alone, that we're not broken, that despite our damage, we are normal. The only reason this place doesn't end up being dysfunctional is because there's so many people from so many backgrounds and mindsets, that inevitably there will be enough here capable of keeping everyone's feet on the ground. You will always be a valued & respected part of this community, whether you're doing awesome, or doing terribly, and you are welcome here for as long as you want to be.