I hope I die

[Congratsbaby]

In very bad place right now.
I wanted to get out of this house. My mind was set. I knew I would be out of here this year with college.
Didn't end up in the colleges I hoped for. But I believed I would still go to some other college away from home. I was sure about it through that damn woman named my mom.
Maybe my bad for aiming too high. For believing in things / her / myself.

I am imagining a scene ( fictional ) right now , I am going to narrate it.

In the kitchen , my mom and aunt stands. They are teaching me how to cook certain food. They ask me to follow through. And I scream and cry , yell " I am not going to do this. I wanted to go study , outside. " And then I ran away from there , to the room. They come inside the room. Mom says that I am not behaving in her indifferent tone. That I have gone crazy. That I should understand , not say such things , I have lost it. Other moms and aunts make their girls do more housework and I am lucky. I should learn how to cook cause I am so big now. ( Not because it can be helpful for myself as an individual but because girls should know. I will marry one day , my groom and his family. Prior to that , this family ) And I don't say anything but keep crying , looking down.

My violent thoughts have increased. I either want to destroy myself completely and badly or I want to hurt someone else. I think about choking people , but not in any sense. But in the way where I lift that person mid air , I am imagining myself to have these super strengths because in reality I feel so damn weak , helpless , hopeless and useless.

My brother wasn't able to pass the exam , but he got into private uni. I wasn't able to score good , I should try again. That is what they are saying. But I don't wanna try again , I can't. I just wanted to be away from here.

I thought without going to college , I would try searching for jobs etc at home. But my aunt is going somewhere and she was saying how I can cook something ( it's not a big thing ) in her place. The problem isn't to help. It is how wretched that woman is. How she behaved with me , behaves with me! Yet the entitlement. The fucking fucking fucking tone. I can never understand how can people be rude for no reason , and they go on like this. Don't apologise , don't fucking take accountability.

Yeah , so she goes after everything and the whole plan narrated " and when will these girls learn? They have grown so big. "

Yeah. I remembered that if I stay here , this will happen more. Gone my dreams of wearing what I want / live how I want. Still stuck here and the abuse will only increase.

Because ofcourse I am not doing anything by staying at home.

This one sentence triggered me so damn much.

I can't live here. Not anymore. This is so done. I have stayed silent for so long. I cannot live like this anymore. This is just hell. What the

The worst part is I cannot go anywhere. No one , no one will see the wrong in this. Because this whole country is poisoned with something.

Even heard your side going like " their house their rules "

And if that is what majority believes then just bunch of oppressors. That's what these people are. Abusers. Sadists

But I really cannot do this. I don't know what to do anymore. I know in me , I cannot study and give that exam again. I cannot stay here either. I am afraid one day I will lose my cool and end up telling them things , become vulnerable only for it to give them power over me, more.

Goddamn you can't even kill yourself here cause if I order certain things , they would know. Cause there is no place here. I share my room and there is pretty much no privacy.

You know , funny thing? I am gonna order food tonight , I was trying to celebrate tho my heart is rather in chaos and pieces. I thought I should celebrate trying to figure things out my way without college.

At first I thought I would have this dinner when I would go to a college away from home , I still decided to do it because I thought I need to believe in myself and just still try what I can to be away from here.

Now , I know that I would look so freakin pathetic eating that good food.
Cause the feelings don't align.

They all talk so badly. All of them. Aunt , mother , father , it , brother

Why can't you fucking learn how to speak. They are literal idk. Just nothing.

Might as well sell me to a prostitution house or something , like ruin me completely. They should have done that YK , so I couldn't think and feel and be affected so much.

The freaking mistreatment then acting like they broke mountains for you.

I cannot even run away , it's india , it's not safe.

I prayed for my death but God is cruel as ever. Won't grant it.

Also I am super useless worthless crap. Whatever potential you may see in me is not useful. Because as a human I just cannot function how you're supposed to.

I do not think I am a bad person or even truly useless but I am speaking the world language.

And in that sense , I am useless for sure. And so I know I wouldn't succeed.

I know I know it is easy to see potential in someone and to disagree with them. You may say I am just 17 and I got potential but still , I know what is me.

Fuck it , I don't need to explain.

I just hope I die. So fucking pathetic , my life as whole.

 

[Always Hopeless]

I think one of the biggest problems of modern society that causes such low self worth, hopelessness, depression and suicidal urges is the pressure to achieve, be highly educated, successful and high earners. Especially in developed countries. We grow up having it beaten into us and conditioned the fact that our value is based on our grades, degrees, which schools we go to, our careers, academic achievements. So that when we don't meet society's exceptional expectations we lose value as creatures with a life worth living.

Children don't seem to be taught anymore about the other things that make a life worth living. Jobs are just one piece. There's friends, family, good food, vacations, the beach, theme parks, love, starting your own family, a nice home, a car, pets, hobbies like painting, reading, dancing, video games, movies...I could go on. But, to do these things we need money and that comes from a high achieving career. So that's all we can focus on and when it doesn't work out we accept that we'll never have these things and our life isn't worth continuing.

I don't have the answer for someone that's already been conditioned this way. I can't seem to get out of it. My career is in the trash too. That is tied to my self worth regardless of the friends, animals, and parents who care about me. So, I want to die because I can't find a way to fix it. I can't find another career.

The world is getting harder to live in every day because of the pressure to achieve without the opportunities to do so. Or like me, you spend half your life achieving it only for it to be taken away.

 

[Always Hopeless]

I understand exactly how you feel. Indian cultures have always been oppressive towards females in order to control them. It's primitive. I grew up with that oppression and control. But I was very rebellious. It took until my 20's but I was able to get out. Although, I grew up in England so I'm sure the resources I had contributed a lot to my freedom. But I would love to do what I can to help you get out and live the life you want. The brown culture of oppressing and abusing females for control over them makes me furious. Feel free to message me if you want guidance. I enjoy taking away their control over women.

 

[Congratsbaby]

I think one of the biggest problems of modern society that causes such low self worth, hopelessness, depression and suicidal urges is the pressure to achieve, be highly educated, successful and high earners. Especially in developed countries. We grow up having it beaten into us and conditioned the fact that our value is based on our grades, degrees, which schools we go to, our careers, academic achievements. So that when we don't meet society's exceptional expectations we lose value as creatures with a life worth living.

Children don't seem to be taught anymore about the other things that make a life worth living. Jobs are just one piece. There's friends, family, good food, vacations, the beach, theme parks, love, starting your own family, a nice home, a car, pets, hobbies like painting, reading, dancing, video games, movies...I could go on. But, to do these things we need money and that comes from a high achieving career. So that's all we can focus on and when it doesn't work out we accept that we'll never have these things and our life isn't worth continuing.

I don't have the answer for someone that's already been conditioned this way. I can't seem to get out of it. My career is in the trash too. That is tied to my self worth regardless of the friends, animals, and parents who care about me. So, I want to die because I can't find a way to fix it. I can't find another career.

The world is getting harder to live in every day because of the pressure to achieve without the opportunities to do so. Or like me, you spend half your life achieving it only for it to be taken away.

I understand exactly how you feel. Indian cultures have always been oppressive towards females in order to control them. It's primitive. I grew up with that oppression and control. But I was very rebellious. It took until my 20's but I was able to get out. Although, I grew up in England so I'm sure the resources I had contributed a lot to my freedom. But I would love to do what I can to help you get out and live the life you want. The brown culture of oppressing and abusing females for control over them makes me furious. Feel free to message me if you want guidance. I enjoy taking away their control over women.

Thankyou so much for your replies. Yeah I think I agree , the societal norms as I call it ; they really affect us.

Sorry about your career.. it can suck to be failed , after trying and hoping, failing and repeated cycles of this. I hope you find peace or something similar.

I appreciate your willingness to guide me a bit , I will message you.