i just dont understand...

[Jack D]

I honestly dont understand how I get into such nefarious and demeaning Self-Destructive loops.. but its ruining my life and everything that I've tried to work for.

I dont get why i have these feelings, when I have so much to say against it. People still talk to me, im at university, I have a partner....so what right do I have to complain about not feeling accomplished or worthy of anything?

Its like my subconscious is just EAGER to put me in a bad mood. And it happens in loops..i try so hard to try remain positive and to remember what I've learned from therapy or from peoples advice..... and YET HERE I AM, making the same mistakes, erasing everything I had done with what seems like one quick motion. Theres something inside me that just WANTS to be hated and for me to feel hated for no apparent reason. I dont know how to get out.

Even as i type this, i feel as if my efforts are just a waste of time and that its coming across as me being some attention grabbing f*ck who wants people to give him retention. I tried to be social on this website the other day, much unlike how I usually am...and I was not happy with the result to say the least. Days like these, i think why should i even f*cking bother. Why should I even be attempting to pull myself out of my self-made hole when, if im simply just honest or wanting to get things off my chest in a social manner (on this site or not), I end up inciting comments and prejudgements from people.

what im writing isn't even making any sense right now, and its already guaranteed in my head that this will go unheard, im just going to shut up..

 

[JacsMom]

Jack, I hear what you're saying and I understand, believe it or not. I have friends, people talk to me, I am employed. But this is what depression does to us. It brings out that negative voice in your head that puts us down and repeats those negative thoughts. Don't be so quick to think you have erased all of your progress. I understand this, because I do the same. It's something I need to work on, too. I learned a lot in therapy years ago, but when I'm down, I find it hard to apply it, even though I know what I should and shouldn't do. The fact that you're here and that you're trying speaks volumes. That's the key. You're still trying! Even if you're not happy with the results, it means a part of you still cares. Don't give up. We have a great group of people here who are very understanding. You're not alone.

 

[Walker]

Hi Jack, you can't listen to all that stuff that your head makes you think. That's some typical depression talking to you through that mess, you know? It's telling you things that you can't believe about yourself. You're worth something in this world, man. Take care of yourself ok? Keep posting, we're all here listening.