I just don't want to do it anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xTheBlondex, Apr 8, 2012.

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  1. xTheBlondex

    xTheBlondex Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure if feeling the way I feel is normal and everyone feels this way and I just can't cope or if this is depression. I was diagnosed by my GP just over two years ago with depression but it took almost that long for my GP to recognise that I wasn't messing around I really do feel as bad as I say I do. I was prescribed anti-depressants (Citalopram) I did feel slightly better for a few weeks but they in the end “stopped working”.. my dosage was upped and again they worked for a few weeks but eventually stopped.. I was then prescribed another anti-depressant (Setraline) this appeared to work almost instantaneously... then I met my partner.

    Our relationship is in no way traditional he is 17 years older than me. We met online – and moved in together almost instantly.. I see myself as a pretty sensible and rational person so I'm not exactly sure why I did this. I do know however I wasn't forced and that it was my decision. The relationship has had it's ups but mostly downs.. It's nearly 2 years now. He has “issues” he explains them as “not issues, not serious issues.. but major issues”. His issues are with trust specifically with women.. he has had a chequered past with women and for months I felt sorry and sympathetic towards his plight but after 2 years of living with him I can partially see why the women in his life have treated him the way they have and why they have cheated on him. I don't condone cheating , I have never and never will cheat on him or anyone else.. because I hate hurting people.. if I hurt anyone’s feelings I sit and stew over it for days... I find myself constantly apologising to him for doing something wrong, he moans a lot – it chips away at my self confidence (which I'm aware Is probably my problem not his), he loses his temper a lot and when he does he bangs things around and shouts and swears (not at me, just in general) but it makes me nervous. He can be very selfish and money is like water through his hands.. he would rather spend money on material things and instant gratification then pay his mortgage and bills... this makes me anxious and mad because I've grown up in a family that struggled to pay the bills all my life – and my parents never spent money on booze, going to the cinema, eating out, takeaways ect.

    When the bills do start coming in though he moans about how he can;t afford them and he's going to lose the house , he makes me feel awful – I hadn't worked for most of our relationship because he lives in a smaller area than I came from without many job opportunities. I have started doing temporary work recently – I've just finished a months worth of work. I had to get up at 5am to be there by 9am and I wouldn't get home till 7/8pm at night. One night I met a friend for coffee and was home later than that and he started questioning where I'd been and who I'd met... I try not to meet friends usually because of the reaction I get.

    The trust “issues” / money issues aren't the only problem.. he also has a child who to be completely honest is nothing short of the spawn of Satan. He refuses to go to school , he lies (very very well) and he is very manipulative for a 11yrs old. The child’s mother is also a pain In the arse she constantly calls and texts my partner and half the time it's nothing to do with the child it's just because she is longing for attention – yet he still give into it even though he knows it upsets me. The child has jokingly lied about me calling him silly names – everyone finds it funny... but he lies so well it scares me – what if one day he lies about something really important and no one believes me?

    I feel worthless, useless , unattractive and disgusting.. I don't know whether it's me that makes me feel that way or him. But I really hate myself.. I just can't seem to leave. I love him.

    Recently the roles have changed between myself and my mum. My mum has always been the strong one that led the family and sorted out all our problems.. My dad died when I was 16 – It was my mums birthday and she found him.. it was also before their 20th wedding anniversary and the same week as fathers day – I guess you could say he picked his moment. My mum had to tell me and my sister she tried really hard to keep a roof over our heads and make sure myself and my sister didn't miss out on things.

    October 2011 my mum was involved in a car accident – she had recently started a new job as a care worker she was hoping it was going to help pay the bills. She had a client in the car and we believe my mum had a “medical episode” or a blackout through stress.. the doctors believe it just could have been her brain resetting itself. She ended up going across a lane of traffic into oncoming traffic where she collided with another car. I was informed by the hospital – Luckily I was in Plymouth that day.

    When I got to the hospital I saw my mum on a spinal board – it scared me so much.. she is the only parent I have left the only person I have left on this planet. I thought that this was going to be the hardest part .. luckily she escaped with a cracked sternum, bruising and burns from the air bag and seat belt. Because the accident was so bad the police were involved and they had to take a statement as soon as she was released from the hospital. This is when I realised I would have to take charge my mum was suffering from shock and a bad case of concussion – she had no idea what had happened and still to this day can't remember a lot.

    I was there to help my mum recover, sort out the insurance documents and to collect her personal belongings from what was left of the car – which I can only describe as you look at it and you instantly think “Oh my god, someone died in that”. Then my mums license was revoked which shouldn't of been that much of a shock because she did suffer a “blackout”. Her license was revoked 4 months after the accident – a new year. My mum suffers from degeneration of the spine she's had discs removed from her spine when I was very young .. her car she calls “her legs” on a bad day.. so to take my mums license away was devastating for her.

    Now if that wasn't bad enough on the 3rd of April – my agency work contract ended and I went to my mums to have coffee and tell her about the last day of work. When I arrived there was a policeman knocking on the front door - The last time I saw a policeman outside my mums front door was 6 years ago when my dad had died. It now turns out that my mums accident is not only a collision but a fatal collision the passenger in my mums car had died in November 2011 and the case was being re-opened... my mum is reduced back to being a child again and I have become the carer... I do have a sister but she is studying at university and I don't want to lean on her too much she is so intelligent and she could go so far in life. But I really don't think I can cope how can I help my mum when I can't even help myself...

    I can't sleep at night worrying about everything... I just want everything to go away, I don't want to feel like this .. I don't want so much pressure I just want to go to sleep and for everything to be alright. I'm disgusted with myself for feeling so sorry for myself when I know there are people on this planet who are abused and beaten and raped and have had a worse life than me. I'm 23 If life is like this already I don't want to live another 50 years of it.

    I'm sorry for rambling on..I need help.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Blondex,
    You need to sit your boyfriend down and talk to him.. Let him know how he is makeing you feel..That things need to change.. Cudos on takeing care of your mom. Alot of people wouldn't take the time to help.. You sound like a very careing person.. I hope the best for you..
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