generally i try rally hard to suppress all of my emotions and try to never let anyone know how down i am. i always feel like I'm burdening people or letting them down in some way if i tell them I'm not well again. i feel like I'm letting myself down because i can't own up to my real feelings and get the necessary help that i know i need but it scares me to acknowledge my vulnerability. i have struggled with drug abuse for almost 5 years now. I'm in college, and there are so many triggers everywhere here. it is impossible to be sober. it stresses me out so much to the point where i make myself sick over it. i want so badly to be a normal college student but i drink myself to a point where i black out every time and i do such stupid and irresponsible things. i really hate being here. where i live, the atmosphere, many of the people, everything just bogs me down so heavily and it drives me nuts. i started self harming again because i needed some sort of distraction from drugs again. i can't open up to any of my friends because I'm too scared to so i hold everything in and take it out on myself. honestly i just sit here in my bed and think about what would happen if i never woke up. or what if someone came in in the middle of the night and killed me. i think about taking all of my left over <edit mod total eclipse method> and just drifting away. it makes me so sad to think about the fact that i take solace in death. especially because i feel so alone with it, like no one else here can understand. i wish suicide was a foreign concept for myself because then maybe i wouldn't think about acting on it as much. i always hope that one day ill be different, but now I've just sort of come to accept that this is who i am and how i think. i don't always want to die, but when i do, when i get triggered and want to end my life it takes over my mind every moment for weeks sometimes months. it lasts too long and that is the scary part. thats why i acted on it in the past because it gets to a point where i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel any more (as cliche as that sounds). i just want it all to go away, i want it to stop and i want my mind to shut off and stop racing. i just want it to end.