Hi everyone I'm new here and just wanted to share my story. My depression started nearly 4 years ago after my mother died of cancer, she was only 42 and I was just 20 years old. But it's only recently in the last 8-9 months that I've admitted to myself that I am majorly depressed, I've finally accepted that it's not just some 'phase' that's going to pass! Sometimes i wish that I could be the person that has the 'occasional down day' instead of being the person that has the 'occasional good day'. I'm going to see a counsellor on the 10th of June and I'm really hoping that it's going to help me because I hate feeling like this!! I feel so numb and empty most of the time and I don't feel as though I should be here anymore, suicide is pretty much always on my mind although deep down I know that I wouldn't do it I'm still scared that my depression will get worse and then I'll have nowhere to turn, the worst part of it all is that I have 3 children and a fiancé who I know loves me more than life. I feel so guilty every time I think about suicide knowing that I have a family to look after but no matter how much I try to think about that while I'm having suicide thoughts, suicidal thoughts always win I just want to get better and feel normal again, not that I can really remember how that feels. Most of the time I'm just numb, empty and miserable and then I'll get a good few days then bam I'm back all the way down here again. I just want to get better.