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I just want to get better

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Jess1991jzm, May 18, 2015.

  1. Jess1991jzm

    Jess1991jzm New Member

    Hi everyone I'm new here and just wanted to share my story.
    My depression started nearly 4 years ago after my mother died of cancer, she was only 42 and I was just 20 years old. But it's only recently in the last 8-9 months that I've admitted to myself that I am majorly depressed, I've finally accepted that it's not just some 'phase' that's going to pass!
    Sometimes i wish that I could be the person that has the 'occasional down day' instead of being the person that has the 'occasional good day'.
    I'm going to see a counsellor on the 10th of June and I'm really hoping that it's going to help me because I hate feeling like this!! I feel so numb and empty most of the time and I don't feel as though I should be here anymore, suicide is pretty much always on my mind although deep down I know that I wouldn't do it I'm still scared that my depression will get worse and then I'll have nowhere to turn, the worst part of it all is that I have 3 children and a fiancé who I know loves me more than life. I feel so guilty every time I think about suicide knowing that I have a family to look after but no matter how much I try to think about that while I'm having suicide thoughts, suicidal thoughts always win :(
    I just want to get better and feel normal again, not that I can really remember how that feels.
    Most of the time I'm just numb, empty and miserable and then I'll get a good few days then bam I'm back all the way down here again.
    I just want to get better.
  2. Bryn70

    Bryn70 Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. You're doing the right thing by seeking help and even though right now you may not believe it, you are strong enough to deal with this and you will get better.

    My mum died of cancer 2 1/2 years ago, after a long, painful fight, first with bladder cancer and a major operation then bowel cancer which they failed to diagnose until it was too late. She was so frightened and in so much pain and there was nothing I could do to help. My dad, my brother and I were there when she took her last breath. It's the worst thing I've ever experienced. After that my dad, who'd been married to my mum for 49 years, gave up, crawled inside a bottle and never came out. He died in February in the hospital from alcoholic liver disease. I watched him take his last breath too.

    I had a difficult relationship with my parents but I loved them and I miss them very much and it's only recently that it's all descended upon me like a ton weight. Sometimes I don't see a way forward, I lose all hope and I want to go to sleep but I'm determined to keep fighting. If I can do it so can you cos there ain't nothing special about me.

    Keep fighting and don't let the illness fool you into believing the lies that it's telling you.

    Kindest regards.

  3. Jess1991jzm

    Jess1991jzm New Member

    Thank you for replying Bryn it means a lot! I am too sorry for your losses of both your mother and father, I too watched my mother wither away from the awful disease. I didn't actually know that my mother was dying she didn't want to tell me or my sister because she knew that we wouldn't have taken it to well, I obviously knew that she had cancer (she couldn't hide that from us) but she told me she was getting better when Infact it was the total opposite! The day I found out that she had terminal cancer was the day she took her last breathe, I know she was only trying to protect me from hurting but I can't help but feel upset that she didn't tell me the truth and I think that's where it all started I hadn't even known for 10 minutes when my dads phone was ringing and it was the hospital telling him to come and say goodbye, I just couldn't get my head around it and I still can't now.
    I'm just preying that soon there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for me because right now I feel as if I'm serving in hell!
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Jess,

    I am really sorry for your loss and for what you have been through. Your mom was trying to protect you and you know that, that is what moms do so please try not to get upset at her decision not to tell you. When my auntie died in 2008, none of us knew she was actually dying until she did and that was to protect everyone, everyone has their own ways of dealing with things and that must have been hers, maybe she didn't understand that by not telling you the truth would hurt her too. I feel so sorry you had to go through this. I would recommend you get grievance counselling hun, it would help you I think!

    Best wishes,
  5. Jess1991jzm

    Jess1991jzm New Member

    Hi petal.
    I know she was only trying to project us because that's the person that she was and I know she thought that it was the right thing to do, but when I get thinking I think that if I had known we could have spent more time together and did more things together... I don't know :/ I suppose there would have been good and bad points weather she told us the truth or not.
    Yeah I'm going to bereavement counselling and I really hope that it's going to help. I want to try and beat this without the use of medication and if I can't then I'll try the medication. Thanks for replying it means a lot
  6. Wild

    Wild New Member

    Hi -

    My Mum died at 49 when I was 16. It's been 4 years now & I haven't gotten any better, worse if anything. Please feel free to PM me, OP