i know both are bad, but which is better leaving a note or going quitely?

[a_little_sad_but_]

the question of weather i would really be able to finally do it is a different question, but if i will, which the best option? what will reduce the suffering of my friends and most importantly my parents.
I know that it's both bad and they will be miserable but they'd have to choose, what would it be?
one thing I actually want to them to know is that i stopped taking my meds in order to have the guts to do it, and not the other way around, because they know i stopped and they would feel really guilty if they think that this is the reason i died and they could've stopped it.
but maybe it's better to just leave quietly and not bother them with more sad memories.
but if to leave, what more should i say, i know it depends on the situation but what generally can slightly comfort or give closure?

 

[may71]

Similar to what you said, the only good option is to find a non-suicide way out.

If you have to choose a note vs non-note option, you should write a note that is at least five pages long, and probably more like ten so that you don't leave anything out.

 

[Lara_C]

what will reduce the suffering of my friends and most importantly my parents.

but if to leave, what more should i say, i know it depends on the situation but what generally can slightly comfort or give closure?

It's said that suicide doesn't end the pain but only transfers it to those closest to you. As a parent , nothing could ease the pain , much less give closure, if I lost any of my children through suicide. A note might 'help' the person contemplating suicide to complete the act, but imo most parents would probably rather die themselves than lose a child to suicide. They would blame themselves whatever you said in a note, particularly for not realizing how you felt and helping you.

As I said before the fact you stopped your meds shows they weren't working and you wouldn't be thinking and feeling like this if they were, so please reconsider seeking meds that stop you feeling this way. Depression is a life threatening illness, a disorder in brain functioning which causes the thoughts and feelings you are having. Also, since your parents are the ones who would suffer the most, why don't you confide in them to give them a chance to help before your depression progresses to an attempt? I'm sure they would prefer the option of knowing what you're feeling now than a note after the fact.

 

[MAC0]

depends on the situation

Leaving without one can hurt the ones you leave behind more especially if you have close family like a wife children so in that case I would say it would be bad not to leave

but if you have no one close then go the other way

but the best way the way I am trying to find in my mind again is not having these ideas popping into my mind again

 

[a_little_sad_but_]

It's said that suicide doesn't end the pain but only transfers it to those closest to you. As a parent , nothing could ease the pain , much less give closure, if I lost any of my children through suicide. A note might 'help' the person contemplating suicide to complete the act, but imo most parents would probably rather die themselves than lose a child to suicide. They would blame themselves whatever you said in a note, particularly for not realizing how you felt and helping you.

As I said before the fact you stopped your meds shows they weren't working and you wouldn't be thinking and feeling like this if they were, so please reconsider seeking meds that stop you feeling this way. Depression is a life threatening illness, a disorder in brain functioning which causes the thoughts and feelings you are having. Also, since your parents are the ones who would suffer the most, why don't you confide in them to give them a chance to help before your depression progresses to an attempt? I'm sure they would prefer the option of knowing what you're feeling now than a note after the fact.

I honestly do appreciate your concern, but i think you're wrong, life is not for everybody and i think it's perfectly acceptable to just look at it for long enough and decide that it's not for me, it's really sad what my parents will feel but at the end of the day i didn't make any commitments to them, in contrast to for example if i took a wife, or even worse had kids, then it would be my responsibility that i decided to take.

the psychiatrist i went to really knows what's he's doing, the meds changed my life and instead of crying all day thinking about the future i just acted normal, but wanting to not wake up will never go away like this, because it's a rational decision not an emotional one. i get that it may sound extreme but i actually believe that many "normal" people actually may prefer just to not wake up because life is often hard not rewarding enough.

 

[jpeg]

i'd just disappear one day. friends and families hopes of me coming back would slowly die down and would presumably make it easier for them to not have to deal with it all at once. also leaving a note screams main character syndrome to me lol

 

[Lara_C]

it's really sad what my parents will feel but at the end of the day i didn't make any commitments to them

But your suicide would inevitably cause them intense pain which may last for the rest of their lives. I say this as someone who has seen the effect of the suicide of two members of my extended family. I think people who complete suicide are not really aware of the effect of it on those closest to them but the hurt it causes is real even if not intentional. I still think at this stage your parents deserve a chance to help you.

the psychiatrist i went to really knows what's he's doing, the meds changed my life and instead of crying all day thinking about the future i just acted normal, but wanting to not wake up will never go away like this, because it's a rational decision not an emotional one.

But does your psychiatrist know how you're feeling now?

i actually believe that many "normal" people actually may prefer just to not wake up because life is often hard not rewarding enough.

I get that suicide in cases of incurable and untreatable pain could be a rational choice but in these cases ppl just want an end to the pain, not to life per se. If they could find relief for the pain, they would choose to live. You say that life is too hard and isn't rewarding enough for you. Could you say some more about that ( only if you want to obv) as it might help us understand better where you're coming from? What is missing from your life which would make you want to live if you had it?

 

[a_little_sad_but_]

i'd just disappear one day. friends and families hopes of me coming back would slowly die down and would presumably make it easier for them to not have to deal with it all at once. also leaving a note screams main character syndrome to me lol

well anyone is the main character at the end of the day...
but in seriousness, how do you want to just disappear, like where to go? h0w? and most importantly what to do afterwards

 

[LumberJack]

I would suggest that the question of leaving a note or not is irrelevant to the question of what can be done to mitigate the grief of your loved ones.

I am coming at the question as someone who has lost a family member to suicide. I cared about her a great deal and we had a lot in common. It made absolutely no sense, and yet my suicide at her age, if it had succeeded, would have made hardly more sense than that. She did not leave a note. Based on my experience - Our family would have been shredded with grief either way. There would be different questions that the agony would take shape in, but the agony would be the same in intensity, complexity, and duration - regardless of any information we would receive posthumously.

I was also seriously affected, despite having been there and experiencing that suicide does not make sense from the outside. It often doesn't even make sense from the inside, but it seems like there is no other option.

I am definitely not "normal" as per DSM-V criteria, nor would I be on a suicide forum talking about this if I was. I resonate with your expression that life is hard (and) not rewarding enough. I'm totally with you on that. In fact, when I was 12 at the latest, I had made the decision not to produce children. I was convinced that life was such a net negative that it would be cruel to do so.

I have posted on this site more than once that I am split with despair by the fact that I have a lot of reasons to not kill myself, but no reason to want to live. I've been working on it, though, and I think I'm making some progress. That's not particularly related to the topic of leaving a note or not so it may have to be in a different thread. I'm just trying to share what this brings up for me. In doing that i am agreeing with @Lara_C 's statement that MDD is a disorder that causes us to have distorted beliefs and expectations. In turn, those beliefs influence how we feel about events, and ultimately the decisions we make based on those interpretations.

I would advocate for you to at least take a shot at challenging these beliefs and testing whether your assumptions are supported or contradicted by evidence. This is essentially the definition of CBT but not the only modality pointing in the same direction. I'm mentioning this because of your reference to rationality.

Then again, your profile lists your age at 24. It's entirely possible that certain brain structures are still devloping. Putatively, these are associated with long term planning and understanding the consequences of serious decisions. The literature I am aware of states that these structures should be fully developed by age 25, but any biological characteristic admits of enough variability that we can't assume where your brain's development is solely from a single data point.

 

[LumberJack]

i'd just disappear one day. friends and families hopes of me coming back would slowly die down and would presumably make it easier for them to not have to deal with it all at once. also leaving a note screams main character syndrome to me lol

I had thought the same thing before. In fact, I thought that would solve a problem arising from my intended method, namely leaving a mess behind. I figured if I took myself out in the wilderness, at least a bear would get to eat what was left of me.

Then I read accounts of parents who had lost a child, or even relatives who had lost an extended family member, that just vanished with no trace. None of them report that the grief tapered off or was easier to bear by holding hope against hope over time that their loved one may return. Instead, it is prolonged suffering with no closure. They are stuck in questions because they don't have any answers. Putting myself in their shoes, I can see why this is the case. Think about a parent wondering if their adult child was taken by criminals, or was suffering in the wilderness somewhere, or any one of endless scenarios in which they would immediately spring to the rescue if only they knew. That is nothing short of torture.

I would not say you should take my word for it. I would, however, say that it would be a good idea to check whether or not your underlying assumption is true. You said that their grief would be easier to deal with if spread out over time. I strongly suspect that this is false because of my tendency to wander around the internets trying to understand my issues. However, you may know something I do not - and in that case I would be interested to be pointed to the source(s) of your information.

 

[a_little_sad_but_]

But your suicide would inevitably cause them intense pain which may last for the rest of their lives. I say this as someone who has seen the effect of the suicide of two members of my extended family. I think people who complete suicide are not really aware of the effect of it on those closest to them but the hurt it causes is real even if not intentional. I still think at this stage your parents deserve a chance to help you.

i know that it's very sad, i even watch videos of parents who lost their children to accidents or suicide just to feel sad. but what can i do? wait for them to die? i can't just live on the streets until then? life is so not fair but at least i wouldn't have to see them suffer anymore.

But does your psychiatrist know how you're feeling now?

no, that's the whole point, first of all i am afraid of the authorities getting involved if i talk about it non-anonymously, but besides that, the whole reason i stopped taking my meds and going to the psychologist is in order to get worse, not better, the more get better (like i did before) the more chances i will continue on, who knows maybe if i didn't start the treatment i wouldn't be here right now already, and wouldn't have to make all these choices.

You say that life is too hard and isn't rewarding enough for you. Could you say some more about that ( only if you want to obv) as it might help us understand better where you're coming from? What is missing from your life which would make you want to live if you had it?

i probably misphrased my thoughts, i meant to say that the bad outweigh the good and by a lot, so if you would want to say, "there is bad but life is still worth leaving because of the good" this is my answer.

and i know there tons of happy moments, but that's what they are, moments, i watch lately a lot of youtube shorts about babies (and sometimes animals) being so cute and it puts a smile in my heart, and in general i am great with kids, everybody knows kids are cute but i think i just very sensitive to that adorable nature, but if i'd think about having my own family it's just a nightmare, the wife can never be a partner in life (even ignoring my horrible habits and nature) but worse the kids (who will be very hard to raise as always) will grow up and suffer just like everybody else, and maybe even worse because depression can be genetic, for example my father is undiagnosed but very depressive.

so the greatest joy of life is actually a ton of unescapable suffering, and for others like fulfilment, pursuit of knowledge, and human interaction, they don't worth enough to fight this with all my non-existent might, but even if they were it still non-existent

 

[a_little_sad_but_]

i'd just disappear one day. friends and families hopes of me coming back would slowly die down and would presumably make it easier for them to not have to deal with it all at once. also leaving a note screams main character syndrome to me lol

also i really don't know about that, i think that giving them false hope that could eat the alive for years or even decades is torture, and not "spreaging" the pain, just multiplies it indefinitely.

 

[seabird]

I'm sorry you're in a situation to cause you to be thinking about this. I understand somewhat because of having spent a lot time thinking about it too. I'm glad you are here, the fourms are a safe place to talk about most anything.

When a person dies due to killing themselves they've intentionally set a huge amount of damage in motion.

As we're living people we can support each other, interact here and speculate. But once one is dead there's no connection, no control. It is deeply sadly foolish for anyone, including myself, to think what they/I write or say prior to suicide can exert any significant influence how other people feel concering anything including regret, guilt suicide, loss, grief, pain, etc.

I hope you choose to find support from us here and people irl.

 

[Inastorm]

I would suggest that the question of leaving a note or not is irrelevant to the question of what can be done to mitigate the grief of your loved ones.

I am coming at the question as someone who has lost a family member to suicide. I cared about her a great deal and we had a lot in common. It made absolutely no sense, and yet my suicide at her age, if it had succeeded, would have made hardly more sense than that. She did not leave a note. Based on my experience - Our family would have been shredded with grief either way. There would be different questions that the agony would take shape in, but the agony would be the same in intensity, complexity, and duration - regardless of any information we would receive posthumously.

I was also seriously affected, despite having been there and experiencing that suicide does not make sense from the outside. It often doesn't even make sense from the inside, but it seems like there is no other option.

I am definitely not "normal" as per DSM-V criteria, nor would I be on a suicide forum talking about this if I was. I resonate with your expression that life is hard (and) not rewarding enough. I'm totally with you on that. In fact, when I was 12 at the latest, I had made the decision not to produce children. I was convinced that life was such a net negative that it would be cruel to do so.

I have posted on this site more than once that I am split with despair by the fact that I have a lot of reasons to not kill myself, but no reason to want to live. I've been working on it, though, and I think I'm making some progress. That's not particularly related to the topic of leaving a note or not so it may have to be in a different thread. I'm just trying to share what this brings up for me. In doing that i am agreeing with @Lara_C 's statement that MDD is a disorder that causes us to have distorted beliefs and expectations. In turn, those beliefs influence how we feel about events, and ultimately the decisions we make based on those interpretations.

I would advocate for you to at least take a shot at challenging these beliefs and testing whether your assumptions are supported or contradicted by evidence. This is essentially the definition of CBT but not the only modality pointing in the same direction. I'm mentioning this because of your reference to rationality.

Then again, your profile lists your age at 24. It's entirely possible that certain brain structures are still devloping. Putatively, these are associated with long term planning and understanding the consequences of serious decisions. The literature I am aware of states that these structures should be fully developed by age 25, but any biological characteristic admits of enough variability that we can't assume where your brain's development is solely from a single data point.

I was wanting to say something like this, but couldn't find the words, you've written this really well and totally agree.

 

[a_little_sad_but_]

I'm sorry you're in a situation to cause you to be thinking about this. I understand somewhat because of having spent a lot time thinking about it too. I'm glad you are here, the fourms are a safe place to talk about most anything.

When a person dies due to killing themselves they've intentionally set a huge amount of damage in motion.

As we're living people we can support each other, interact here and speculate. But once one is dead there's no connection, no control. It is deeply sadly foolish for anyone, including myself, to think what they/I write or say prior to suicide can exert any significant influence how other people feel concering anything including regret, guilt suicide, loss, grief, pain, etc.

I hope you choose to find support from us here and people irl.

every thing at the end of the day is about how i feel, even when i care for others i actually think about how i will feel if that or that happens to them, so when deciding if leaving a letter i think about how i will feel about them before i die. i don't think it's strange to care for people after your death, nobody bats an eye when old people or terminally ill want to leave their loved one a good future, so this is no different

 

[seabird]

I beg to differ. It is different because the intent of killing yourself is by far the main impact on others rather than the message in the letter. Your feelings are significant and show that the decision process can branch out to staying alive and caring for your self, your friends and parents in ways that will change and develop over time

 

[may71]

wanting to not wake up will never go away like this, because it's a rational decision not an emotional one

I don't think that's true. You're suffering now, but that doesn't mean that there's no way out except suicide.