I know I won't try it again, but...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Taanya, May 31, 2014.

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  1. Taanya

    Taanya Member

    Hi to everyone on this forum! It's the first time I've ever sought help for my problems online and it's probably bad forum manners to just sign up, start a thread right away and expect people to actually answer with advice, but I feel the need to say some things very badly and can't find any other output, so if anyone has anything to say after(hopefully) reading my post I would be very much in their debt.

    After two years of depression and suicide thoughts, I attempted suicide some months ago in a pretty cowardly way, by swallowing over 150 pills, but I was found and saved. I spent three days in the hospital in a coma and after that I wasn't able to walk for some time, but I recovered eventually and was able to start my new life.

    The first step was admitting I had to take a break from university and interrupt the viciously difficult task of studying day-in day-out for most of the year. I got over the fact that my friends had deserted me and that the relationship I had ended, all because of my depression. I sought help. I started treatment and therapy. I tried to just live my life and enjoy the little things, like playing an instrument, taking singing lessons, painting, writing, knitting, doing yoga, going to the gym, shopping, traveling and everything else I could think of. I spent all my time with my family and was grateful for their help. I took all the medication prescribed to me without complaining. Basically, I did everything I could to move on.
    Only I didn't move on.

    After a time, everything I did started to feel insignificant and boring. My therapist stopped making sense so I stopped seeing him. My medication seemed to have stopped working so I allowed my psychiatrist to increase my dose and add new meds until his combinations became literally life-threatening, so I changed him too. Now I'm in the middle of the process of removing most of my pills without triggering withdrawal symptoms and this doesn't seem to be doing anything for me either.

    The thing is I don't want to kill myself anymore. I saw how much pain I caused my loved ones by attempting suicide so I don't want to put them through anything like that ever again. But I still want to die. Yesterday I cried my eyes out and prayed to God for the first time in ten years to just take me and be done with it. Needless to say he didn't listen. And nobody needs to tell me that's not something you pray for. I was just trying to illustrate how desperate I am. I'm sick of depression and wanting to die. I'm sick of fighting something as terrible as my disgust for the very idea of life (and losing the fight). I'm tired of being a burden for the ones around me. I haven't been able to get out of bed for days because I can't do anything. Or I can't want to do anything, if there's a difference between the two. And I'm starting to get tired of not doing anything. It's a vicious circle I can't cope with anymore. If there were a way of just wishing myself into nonexistence I would do it without a second thought. Actually I want even more than that. I want to never have existed so I can stop inflicting pain on those around me. The things I wish for are mind-numbing. And life isn't among them.

    For those of you who have survived a suicide attempt, have you ever had a phase where you just thought you couldn't do it anymore and wished yourself dead? How did you cope with it? Or does anyone else have any suggestions at all about what could get me back on track? I'd really appreciate any kind of advice. Thanks a bunch!
  2. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    People will answer, but maybe without giving advice. I'm not qualified to give anyone advice, really. Others might share personal experience with you. It's not a substitute for competent professional advice. But it may be comforting when long nights weigh down.

    I've never attempted suicide in any serious way, so I don't even have the experience to offer. I am aware that pill overdoses almost never prove fatal, but given the 2% chance of death, and the many aftereffects and damages they cause, it's hard to recommend such a desperate experiment with one's own body and mind. I am glad that you did not permanently ruin your body by this means.

    Feelings of wanting to die are large bears to deal with. I have these kinds of feelings, and I've done a lot of self-destructive things before. I hope you can find someone to discuss these things with. Soon, if possible.

    I wish the best for you. You deserve the best in life.
    Last edited: May 31, 2014
  3. CD110

    CD110 Well-Known Member

    Ha, I've been posting on forums since childhood and I've very rarely made an intro thread. No one minds if you just jump in. Sorry that I have no advice to offer in regards to depression, I had serious avolition for years, was going to kill myself if things got worse, and I only snapped out of it when life changes were forced on me. Even though I'm still feeling pretty barren inside, I've found something to get me moving ahead for the time being. While I can't get inside your head, it's certain that it's up to you to find, or fabricate, a motivation to do the things you know you should be doing. Even if it's something negative, like the fear that you're wasting the precious years of your life away lying in bed.
  4. mizzkitty87

    mizzkitty87 New Member

    Hi! I am also new to this site, but would like to try and offer some advice and my story as well as it is still fresh within a weeks time.

    My profile: I am a 26 year old female with two beautiful baby boys and an outstanding fiance. (This man would give the three of us the world if he could.) I also have a very talented twin sister that I am close with, a younger sister, an older brother and living parents who I give the upmost respect. I am an animal lover and have 2 dogs and a kitty. Everything in my life seems content if not exceptional from everyone around me.

    The truth is I have been in abusive emotional relationships my entire life. My father would yell at us kids for even breathing (not really, but you get the picture. .. we walked a thin line with what would make him happy or light his fuse.) It caused my mother pain, but he made the money so she stayed and loved us unconditionally and was never angry. My dad would drop anything for us kids for he did love us, he just didn't see the impact it played on me specifically out of the 4 of us children.

    I became a high school student when I first had thoughts of suicide. It was over a guy "I was in love with" needless to say I was 16 and young. Instead of commitment I began venting my feelings on paper in the form of poetry. It helped me alot to see how well of a writer I was even if it was about the dark side of my heart.

    I then turned 18 Graduated a semester early from HS and got an Engineering Internship. I had a new older committed boyfriend, we were together a long time and even got married. Things were great. But our relationship was always on rocks, we both enjoyed many of the same activities, but he always wanted to go out party, and lie to me consistently to the point I didn't even listen anymore. It drove us to a long term break up. Here is where I began to get close to attempting but fell back twice, once I just knew it was stupid and the other was a life saving friend who first hand saw what I was going to do and took things away.

    I continue to write and express my feelings on paper which always helps me. I then after a while met my current and more than amazing guy in my life who has been seeking me help to try and bring my confidence back up and allow me to flourish like the flower we all can be.

    He started by getting me Into a Dr to do an overall wellness check on me and send me some referrals to see a physiologist. I see her once a week for an hour and just talk. It helps alot. Some days are happy others I'm just filled with tears. It's important to like and trust the Individual you talk with and to really be honest so they can make appropriate diagnosis.

    She the had me start an antidepressant known as CELEXA 20mg. It helped for 2 months and the. I went back into my depressive state of mind. She bad me Increase my dosage to 40mgs. This is where things were once again ugly for me. I am at home (mother in law house) and I have no recollection of taking pills, but I was once again attempting and this time no one was there to help me. Luckily I sent my fiancé a text telling him jiberish and that I was going to die, so he rushed home to make sure I was ok. And in fact I had OD on all of my medicine. I don't remember anything. I am now afraid to take that medicine as I don't even remember taking or wanting to die. I went to my dr right away and will now go see a specialist in depression medicine to figure out what happened and other treatment available for myself as my depression is so far deep just talking and one pill a day can't help me.

    Now being a few days from that experience and reading alot of articles and talking about just my 2 sons feelings if I would have succeeded devastates me. I know I am a better person and I am strong. So my fiancé has taken extra responsibility to make sure I'm happy because he wouldn't want his boys without me. He has given me a reason to live by just I initiating conversation about things I like or want to do and is trying his hardest to make them work. He works full time to support us and sometimes weekends. He is tired when he gets home and has me to look after now.

    Basically some things I do to make myself feel better that you can try and what this entire post was about from the start:
    I began cooking new foods, things I wanted to try. I will just google a recipe flip through read comments on if people enjoyed it or made revisions and would make a list of things needed and have someone go with me for the fun or just by myself to the store and home to make it. With this you'll need some form of motivation esp. If feeling depressed it can be hard to want to move or do the dishes afterwards. A good way to do that is maybe ask (mom or close friend). That your dealing with a hard situation and would enjoy a fun new recipe and clean up friend for the day for some added motivation. Maybe take a picture of the event esp. If successful to motivate another time!

    Another thing I am doing is I am exercising more, even just a walk around the block can help lift mood, energy, and maybe loose weight (esp if your like me and have a few lbs that can be shed.)

    One of the most important things you can do DAILY- is make a list of things you like and everyday look in a mirror tell yourself how wonderful, beautiful, you are an no one can ever take that away look at all the positive things about yourself if you can't find one ask yourself what you would want and look from another perspective and tell yourself anyways. Our minds mold to what we hear. No matter what is wrong with us if we believe in ourselves we have confidence that outshines any photo shop person on a magazine.

    I am taking up painting as something to do in my spare time at home and maybe sell for extra cash to support that hobbie if it's good enough work. But finding a hobby like arts, music, sports, bingo night, girls night, anything! That makes you feel happy will lift your spirits and keeping a schedule will allow you to have something to look forward too. And if you just can't wait make it daily. Find group volunteer for local events, parks, etc. People always are looking for help in one place or another.

    If your out in public if your like me I am always looking at other women to see if they are better than me, but the truth is were all equal I. Whichever way possible and if they look fabulous, let them know! Because we don't know their life story and everyone deserves compliments, its a great habit and can make good friends.

    I am also enrolling in some college classes for a career that I'll enjoy to also keep busy.

    After this last attempt my mom and sister who live 4 hours from me are now planning trips to the beach with just us girls maybe once a month to help keep us close and me happy. Just doing an activity with people you care about will bring joy to you as well.

    I know I could add more to this list, but I need some rest now as I haven't slept in 3 days from my incident. I really hope I gave you some good examples and it truly helps you.

    I woke up to see a new light and a new path, not everyone has that chance. I got that chance and will happily watch my children grow up. I hope you find your path.
  5. Taanya

    Taanya Member

    Thanks a lot for replying you guys!

    Hatshepsut, sometimes it's better to receive advice from a person who has the same feelings as you do than from professional help. It's more comforting to know there's someone out there who understands what you're going through. I've tried going to like 5 therapists and the one talk that made me feel better was when my uncle sat me down and told me he had attempted suicide too three times and that he gets me. I hope you can cope with your own feelings of wanting to die. Think of your loved ones and how they'd suffer, that's what keeps me from actually killing myself like I said in my post.

    CD110, sorry to hear about your problems, but I'm glad to know you snapped out of it. Life changes are probably what I need too, but I just lack the power to go through with them. Fear or shame are good motivations, really, in the absence of others, but I don't even know what it is I should be doing, in addition to not being able to do it anyway. I have some rough decisions to make...
  6. Taanya

    Taanya Member

    Hey mizzkitty, sorry for not replying sooner, I saw your message just now.
    Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and for the advice you gave me!
    It seems like you have a lot to live for and I'm sorry to hear about your attempt, it's weird that you don't remember anything about it, but ODs can do that to you. When I tried to kill myself I didn't remember anything about falling and badly injuring myself either. I just woke up in the hospital four days later with a terrible muscle illness. But I think it's good that we both survived, good luck with getting rid of all the bad effects of your OD!
    It seems like you're an expert with battling depression, keep up the good work! I've tried all the things you told me already, including cooking and going out with my girl, which are my mom and aunt and cousin, but that's ok, I don't need any better friends. Exercising was part of my daily schedule too, I do have some Lbs to get rid of especially because of my medication, I've been taking Zyprexa for like 8 months and it makes you gain weight like crazy!
    The thing is I've lost all motivation to do these things lately, I don't know what's wrong with me. They all just seem insignificant to me, but I'll try, I'll really try to get back on track. When fighting depression the most important thing is not to let it beat you and I feel like that's what I've been doing lately. Letting it get the better of me and I hate myself for that.

    Thanks again and give your two little boys a kiss from me! I love kids, have little cousins myself that I really enjoy playing with. They help me and give me energy!
  7. mandy

    mandy Well-Known Member

    I remember how much it hurt everyone. And I remember my dads pain when we went to his brothers funeral a couple months back and I don't want him coming to my funeral. I don't want my family coming to my funeral because even if I think they'll be better without me, it's not true; they are going to be devastated. I have to remember there are so many things that are going to happen and good things in the world. I usually make a list of reasons to stay alive. Then I read it over and over. I know I can't die. It it not okay to die; I (and you) must stay alive to experience the world and try new things and meet new people and I just think about all the possibilities and it helps me get through this. Please stay strong! :) <3
  8. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i think that's really positive, mandy. that you're able to do that.

    you should send some of that positive energy my way as right now i don't have any- and i'm unable to think of all the experiences/ joys of the world, since i'm seriously missing out
  9. mandy

    mandy Well-Known Member

    Why are you missing out? And I will mentally try to send some positive energy! You just have to remember, even if things are shit right now, they won't always be that way I promise. Things are shit for me right now but I will not give up because I know there are good things that lay ahead. You haven't gotten to experience so many wonderful things. Nobody is allowed to die before their time because there is too much great stuff even if you can't think of it. Too many smiling strangers to see, ice cream to eat, books to read. Promise. <3
  10. mandy

    mandy Well-Known Member

    New idea, force yourself to make a list of 100 joys in the world/ things to look forward to; I can give you a head start with 10:
    1. foods to try
    2. books to discover
    3. movies to watch
    4. animals to pet
    5. friends to make
    6. clothes to buy
    7. Children, not necessarily just having them, but I would stay alive purely because I want to see the smile on kids' faces when they get ice cream, or a new toy; that look is so heartwarming is reminds me there is still good in the world
    8. late night hear felt conversations late in the night with friends to be part of
    9. Love, because it really exists, not even necessarily with a girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse
    10. Have you seen the earth? I stick around because damn there are some gorgeous places to go and see.
    There are so many things to look forward to, don't worry :)
  11. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Yes, I've survived one and, as you say, all the rest. I found the wonderful way to become healed from a counsellor/mentor whose details I can PM you and we can talk about it some more - I agree that personal experience of someone who's gone before can really help :)
  12. Taanya

    Taanya Member

    Hey mandy, thanks so much for your beautiful words! You must be the most positive depressed person I've ever met. Making strangers with emotional problems feel better should probably also go on that list. I will really try to write it, thanks for your head start of 10! Of course, when you're deeply depressed like I was when I first started this thread, cooking, shopping, reading, watching movies etc are out of the question because all you can do it sit around in bed and cry. But since I've written the stuff above I started working and I feel a bit better, I feel useful and I'm looking forward to each day with a little more optimism. Joining this forum and chatting with people who suffer from the same issues has also helped, I hope it helped you, too and I hope you're feeling better and better each day.

    emily83, I'm sorry you can't think of any joys in life right now. I sometimes am exactly like that and I feel your pain. The huge pain one feels when everything in life seems so insignificant that it's not worth sticking around for. But it is- there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise!
  13. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    thanks for the encouragement, tanya

    your words mean a lot. more than you probbaly realise
  14. Taanya

    Taanya Member

    You're welcome, emily! I sincerely hope your situation improves soon. The important thing is not to lose hope-I'm always here if you need more encouragement and you can PM me anytime if you want somebody to talk to!
  15. Taanya

    Taanya Member

    Hey urPrecious, thanks for replying. I'm sorry I didn't answer sooner, I literally didn't see your reply when I checked the thread a couple of days ago.
    You said you had some information for me that you wanted to PM me, is that still an option?
    I'm sorry that you also went through a suicide attempt, I know how terrible it can be, not only for you, but for your loved ones also. It's an emotional trauma, but sometimes, and I can't believe I'm saying this, it can help get you back on track. Not that I'm saying anything good can come out of trying to kill yourself, just that, in my case, it was kind of the slap in the face I needed to get off my butt and start doing something about saving my life. I'm glad you found someone who made you feel better and I'm sure you, in turn, are helping lots of people by your many forum posts.

    Take care!
  16. has

    has Member

    Hi how are you doing?? i know its kind of a late reply but i feel like I'm sort of in the same boat as you. Im so sorry to hear after doing everything possible you're still feeling this way. I've also wished and prayed to God that my life would just end already, everyday. i wish i was never born. i can't give you any solutions on how to get better, bc i tried to kill myself just yesterday morning so I'm trying to figure out how to get better too. i realized i also do not want to die, i just don't want to live this way. my mom told me she would be willing to do whatever it takes to get me better but the most important thing she said was "you have to want to get better and really work at it" and i think thats true. part of the problem is all about the way we think about our situation. idk if thought-process really makes a difference or if she's right, but its something to think about. I also read meditating for 5-20 minutes a day for 30-40 days helps tremendously so I'm going to try that. take it easy on yourself, don't put too much pressure on yourself, love yourself and think of yourself as someone close to you that you love and care about. say things like "you can do this, you will get better" instead of "i can do this, i will get better" it helps. you will figure it out, you will get through this.
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