Hi to everyone on this forum! It's the first time I've ever sought help for my problems online and it's probably bad forum manners to just sign up, start a thread right away and expect people to actually answer with advice, but I feel the need to say some things very badly and can't find any other output, so if anyone has anything to say after(hopefully) reading my post I would be very much in their debt. After two years of depression and suicide thoughts, I attempted suicide some months ago in a pretty cowardly way, by swallowing over 150 pills, but I was found and saved. I spent three days in the hospital in a coma and after that I wasn't able to walk for some time, but I recovered eventually and was able to start my new life. The first step was admitting I had to take a break from university and interrupt the viciously difficult task of studying day-in day-out for most of the year. I got over the fact that my friends had deserted me and that the relationship I had ended, all because of my depression. I sought help. I started treatment and therapy. I tried to just live my life and enjoy the little things, like playing an instrument, taking singing lessons, painting, writing, knitting, doing yoga, going to the gym, shopping, traveling and everything else I could think of. I spent all my time with my family and was grateful for their help. I took all the medication prescribed to me without complaining. Basically, I did everything I could to move on. Only I didn't move on. After a time, everything I did started to feel insignificant and boring. My therapist stopped making sense so I stopped seeing him. My medication seemed to have stopped working so I allowed my psychiatrist to increase my dose and add new meds until his combinations became literally life-threatening, so I changed him too. Now I'm in the middle of the process of removing most of my pills without triggering withdrawal symptoms and this doesn't seem to be doing anything for me either. The thing is I don't want to kill myself anymore. I saw how much pain I caused my loved ones by attempting suicide so I don't want to put them through anything like that ever again. But I still want to die. Yesterday I cried my eyes out and prayed to God for the first time in ten years to just take me and be done with it. Needless to say he didn't listen. And nobody needs to tell me that's not something you pray for. I was just trying to illustrate how desperate I am. I'm sick of depression and wanting to die. I'm sick of fighting something as terrible as my disgust for the very idea of life (and losing the fight). I'm tired of being a burden for the ones around me. I haven't been able to get out of bed for days because I can't do anything. Or I can't want to do anything, if there's a difference between the two. And I'm starting to get tired of not doing anything. It's a vicious circle I can't cope with anymore. If there were a way of just wishing myself into nonexistence I would do it without a second thought. Actually I want even more than that. I want to never have existed so I can stop inflicting pain on those around me. The things I wish for are mind-numbing. And life isn't among them. For those of you who have survived a suicide attempt, have you ever had a phase where you just thought you couldn't do it anymore and wished yourself dead? How did you cope with it? Or does anyone else have any suggestions at all about what could get me back on track? I'd really appreciate any kind of advice. Thanks a bunch!