I like women...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by millicent*ophelia, Dec 18, 2008.

  1. ... but I am happy in my marriage.

    I am new here, so please be kind.

    I am in a very loving relationship. My husband worships the ground I walk on and I love him to pieces. We have a healthy sexual relationship and lots of fun together.

    My thing is - I like women too. Sometimes when we are together, I am thinking about a woman - not anyone I personally know, usually someone in the media who I think is hot.

    I have been with women in my past, but my husband does not know about it. I would love to have a secret relationship with a woman, but I consider that cheating and would not do that to my husband.

    The thing is, it is making me terribly depressed!

    Help!? Has anyone else found themselves in this position? How did they cope?

    To come out as bi to anyone in my "bubble" would seriously damage our reputation, position in our church, and basically rumble the whole foundation of what is our "world."

    Just looking for some support here. Thanks.
  2. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Tell your husband everything you've just said here. Fantasizing about your gender isn't the end of the world. Some men even encourage that in their wives.
  3. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    Would it really be so bad if you only told your husband? If your relationship is so close, surely you can confide in him?
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Maybe your husband would also like to 'experiment' with you and another woman. I'm sure he would be thrilled at the idea of bringing in another woman into the bed. :laugh:
  5. Alexpt2

    Alexpt2 Well-Known Member

    Damn Straight!!!!!!!!!

    If I had a wife and she were to tell me she was into chicks as well and wanted to experiment in that way, I'd shit myself in excitement!
  6. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    People, the woman is MARRIED. Why tell her that it is o.k. to bring another woman into the bedroom in the context of her marriage. That would be an absolutely terrible idea. Not every single fantasy must or should be acted upon. However, I would fully encourage you to be honest with your husband and tell him about your past proclivities. The guilt you are feeling is probably from not being able to be fully honest with your husband about your past, so I think you shuold be honest with him but also tell him that it was part of your past and that you will always want your relationship to continue to be as it always has been, monogamous and faithful. It sounds like you have something wonderful with your husband, so I personally think you should not act these fantasies out at all, but that your relationship can only be improved by honesty and forthrightness, as long as you present it as what it is, the past. But I could be wrong. You know your husband. I think the worst thing you could possibly do would be to act on these fantasies.
  7. Alexpt2

    Alexpt2 Well-Known Member

    All they told her was to be honest with her husband about it, and who knows, maybe he'd be cool with it. What have ya got to lose. If he doesn't approve, then of course don't go out and do it anyway. But you never know until you ask.
  8. numb2long

    numb2long Member

    I don't have any advice because I'm practically in your shoes-church, included. At least you're not alone, right?
  9. Thanks Ana... this is great advice. Very wise.

    My reservations about telling my husband is because of our religion. I won't say what we are - as I feel that could somewhat identify me - but our religion greatly frowns on homosexuality even in the "experimentation" type. All of my things happened before I was a member of the church, but I still feel scared that my husband might want me to talk to our pastor about it and then I might be dis-fellowshipped. I don't want to ruin our marriage, but I want to be honest.

    I guess it will just be taking a plunge into the great unknown. I am not ashamed of my past, it has made me who I am, but I am just scared to think my husband might not want to keep it as secret as I do. YKWIM?
  10. Sorry you are in the same situtation, but it is nice to know there are others out there. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat. It might be nice to have a buddy in the same shoes.
  11. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the kind words milli :) It must be difficult to belong to a church that might not accept your past mistakes. I mean, we all have things we have done that we are ashamed of. I'm a Catholic and Catholicism also really frowns on homosexuality and homosexual experimentation, but if I were to confess such a thing to a priest, I would not be "dis-fellowshipped" as you call it. That doesn't seem very fair, I mean, I am assuming here that your religion is a Christian one? Well, Jesus didn't reject anyone because of their past, he accepted and forgave anyone who came to Him in repentance.

    Now, you COULD always go to an actual Catholic priest and see what he has to say about it (not trying to convert you here!). He wouldn't be able to tell anyone EVER because of his vows and he might be able to advise you about what to do about telling your husband. Ultimately, your past is between you and God, but if you feel that not being able to be completely open about it with your husband is affecting your psyche and/or your marriage, then you might be compelled to tell him about it anyway for your own peace of mind.

    Either way, it sounds like you love your husband very much and I really hope it all works out for you no matter what you decide to do. PM me if you ever need to chat and do let us know how it goes and what you decide to do!
  12. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    Are you sure these are your feelings, it could also be a form of OCD where the person feels shame for thinking about a certain thing or fear and tries to drive it away which then makes it stronger.

    homosexual OCD is very common.
  13. I have read about HOCD (and personally find it odd), but I am pretty sure it's not HOCD.

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2008
  14. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Being honest about it is the best way to go. Your husband loves you and trusting him to accept you just the way you are is a given if you love him back, which it sounds like you definitely do. You should talk to him, let him know you're going to tell him something that will surprise him but you trust him to love you like he always has, he'll love you more for it.

    On an unrelated note, I so wish you were my wife.
  15. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I can't say I'm too particularly supportive of religions that require you to lie to remain members.
  16. I DID IT!

    DH and I talked last night about it. I lead into it with the "do you have any fantasies" kind of thing.

    DH thought it was awesome. We aren't going to act on it, but it is nice to have it out there. It is nice to know that he doesn't think ill of me.

    Obviously, we aren't going to run all over town talking about it, but he doesn't think that there is any reason to concern our church in our private matters (which was a relief to me).

    I am finding out more and more that my husband is a lot 'cooler' than I thought. I say "cooler" for lack of a better word.

    I am still struggling with some of the church stuff (and wanting to leave it all together) but that is a different topic for a different thread.

    Thanks for all your support and kind words!
  17. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Good for you! I hope this brings you and your husband even closer together!