I lost her, I've lost myself

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by redhead, Oct 13, 2012.

  1. redhead

    redhead New Member

    Today I'm a freshmen in college and I've been living with depression since freshmen year of high school. During senior year I was at my breaking point, I had been rushed to the ER due to self inflicted injuries and I knew deep down that soon enough I would end everything. Then I met her. She will be known as "Red Head" for this thread. She was the first thing besides drugs and self harm that made me forget about the pain. I can't describe how much I loved her, I didn't know my heart was even capable of it. She told me she loved me one night and for once I thought I was heading down a new road. She didn't make the darkness inside of me vanish but when I was with her I didn't even notice it. A week or so later she got into a relationship with a different kid. She said I was too angry at the world and unstable. That he was safe and normal. I guess I didn't know that when it came to love you're suppose to pick someone who won't make you happy rather than someone who wants nothing more than to spend each day trying to make you smile. I still talked to her in the months afterwards and at one point she came to me with a problem. She had gotten into a fight with her boyfriend, gotten drunk and later kissed another guy. She wanted to know what to do. Did I laugh at her and say, "You got what's coming to you."? No. Because I love her, I wanted her to be happy more than anything and for some reason that meant being with the prick of a boy friend she had. I told her she needed to tell her boyfriend what she did and accept what comes from it. It, in return, saved their relationship. I know every night that I could have ruined their relationship time and time again. If I really wanted to I could have stolen her back but I didn't want that. A few weeks ago we started talking again and it instantly brought back those loving emotions. She had broken up with her boyfriend and after a while I asked her if she still had any of the feelings she had for me a year ago. She said that she did. It felt like karma was finally paying me back for trying to show her what she meant to me. Tonight we were suppose to hang out. She said she would pick me up tonight and at 5 pm I texted her asking what time she was going to show up. No reply. At 7 pm I texted her again asking if she was going to make it. No reply. At 9pm I finally called her only to be greeted by a male voice. I claimed I had the wrong number and hung up, I didn't. After texting her phone once or twice more he started replying and said she was asleep but that he would tell her I called. (I knew he wouldn't, he fed me the same crap a year ago.) I asked who I was speaking to. He replied, "Her boyfriend." I said, "oh. I didn't know she had one." He said, "She does." I then asked, "Can I know the lucky fellow's name?" He told me and it's the same guy she had told me she had broken up with. I have no room in her life it seems and her life is all I care about. She is obviously happy with what she has so I no longer serve a purpose. My point here is done, I'm ready to die.
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Oh hun, am so sorry to read this - as to what she meant to you and has done to you - not once but twice (at least)....... I am sorry for your pain, and would try to gently suggest (although I know it's difficult, if not impossible) to try and step back a little from the racing emotions to view the situation more objectively, if you can. Because it will help you to help yourself a little if you could do this.

    It is plain that you love this redhead, but to an outsider she appears superficial and fickle and unreliable - telling you one thing, using you, etc...... When we are in love it is so easy to believe our feelings when things are good, and then also when things get bad - because of what love means, our feelings can become all consuming. But, objectively, redhead's treatment of you must tell you that, in spite of what your feelings for her are - look at what she has done to them... she hasn't valued them at all.

    You deserve better hun, and fortunately/unfortunately redhead has let you down badly. And in doing that she simply is not worth the cost of your life hun. Please do try to get some meds/counselling to help you through. Sorry if this hasn't helped a whole bunch, but also hope that you will get the support you need from SF because there are many here who will try and help hun :)
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun she is not worth the tear ok she is a lier and has used you You deserve so much better hun a actually feel sorry for her boyfriend he will suffer just as you are suffering
    You need to move on ok so you are spared anymore abuse from her. Do not reach out to her do not text her or respond to any text she is cruel hun YOu don't deserve that ok
    You find someone new hugs
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I know love has no logic, but do know you are too good for her...please try to remember that, and that, once we know how to love, we can love again...kindness is the new sexy these days!
  5. Hoth

    Hoth Active Member

    I would like to reply to help you out and get you on the right path but I worry my method would seem harsh and cruel and I would violated some forum rule. If I am allow, then I could be able to speak my mind and help you out.