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I lost my soulmate to suicide and am forever guiltridden

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Suess, Jul 23, 2014.

  1. Suess

    Suess Member

    In the beginning, our love was magical. The chemistry was amazing. We cliqued as if we had known each other all of our lives. He had been single all of his life and I had been single for over a decade. He told me he felt whole for the first time in his life and now knew what he had been missing all along. His void was filled and so was mine. We were in bliss for about a year before his depression came back. He said depression was something he had dealt with off and on his whole life. He insisted that it was something he needed to work out alone because and didn’t want to drag me down with him. He said he was broken. I tried to talk him into staying in the spare room and promised to give him space, but he wanted to be completely alone in a dark cold hotel room ¼ mile from our home. For the first 6 months, we kept in touch daily through text messages, emails and phone calls. After 6 months, I decided I better start thinking about moving on with my life. I wasn’t getting any younger and had lost ½ year of my life having a relationship by text. I felt pulling back would force him to make a decision as to what he wanted to do with his life. You don’t know what you want until its gone, right. 6 months is a long time to be on standby and I think most women would have cut ties after a month or two. My plan backfired and now he is gone forever. He shot himself in that hotel room on May 13, 2014. Now I will carry this guilt for the rest of my life for not having done more to save him.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Suess, I am so sorry for your loss. Your courage to continue through this is incredible. No matter what way you look at what has happened, none of this is your fault. As you said, he was depressed on/off all his life. I would strongly advise seeing a grievance counsellor soon, if you ever need to talk...just drop me a message, I will light a candle for him later as I have a routine of lighting candles for close friends that have passed away (it's my way of coming to terms with it.)
  3. Suess

    Suess Member

    Thank you Petal. I really needed to hear from someone/anyone that this is not my fault more than word can describe. Deep down I know that, but my mind wants to play tricks right now and keeps trying to edge toward “you should have done this or that and this would not have happened”. He knew I was there for him. Even though I had pulled away and stopped initiating texts, I was there and responded to every text he ever sent me. Where I come from if a man says he needs space to sort things out in his head, you give it to him. Otherwise, you are considered clingy and are smothering them. I had no way of knowing what was really going on in his head. I am going to take your advice and try and find some affordable counseling. Thank you so much for taking the time out to respond to my post!
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I do understand Suess i too blame myself for someone leaving but with counseling one sees hun that it was thier illness that took them and not anything was our fault ok
    You stood by him and cared and he knew you loved him so don't blame you ok he would not want that for you