Lonelyheart200
Sorry, but this doesn't sound like love. You are obsessed with someone who you know is not available. My question is why do you keep thinking about him? You are just feeding the beast and all it does is make you miserable.
You do have control over what you think about. If you don't think you have control, you need to get some professional help with that immediately.
Years ago I went to a therapist after a devastating break up. I was crying at night, holding onto my ex boyfriend's picture. Well, my therapist asked me if he could see the picture, so I brought it in to show him. When I handed it to him he took it and put it in my file without even looking at it. At first I was angry, and then I realized that he had done me a great favor. A few months later I left therapy without ever getting the picture back. I took all my ex's little love notes (lies, damnable lies) and put them in a box with a gift he had given me - then a mutual friend gave it to him on his birthday. It was progress.
Stop holding on to the things that make you think of him. Do yourself a favor and focus on something new. Focus on meeting someone who is available and can love you back.
Life is short. Make yourself happy.
Alice