I miss my mom..

[Bad_Wolf]

My died May 13th, 2011.. She had lung cancer that metasticized to her brain. She had a stroke in 2009 and that's how the doctors found the cancer in the first place. The stroke left her with damaged mental capacities. She had problems speaking, couldn't remember words, could no longer do math.. It basically left her with a young child's ability to communicate which was extremely frustrating to her because her mind was still 57.. she still thought like a 57 year old woman.. she just couldn't get it any farther than thinking. I think that this made it hard for her to fight the cancer. I honestly believe she may have survived but she felt weak because she wasn't the person she remembered being. It wasn't long after that she had to start using a catheter because she couldn't walk anymore that she passed on. She never stayed in the hospital, though. My dad took care of her in their house until the day she died.

I don't think I've really honestly dealt with it. I don't cry every day anymore but I often expect her to be there when I go to my dad's.. only to be met with disappointment. She was my best friend and I am so sad because now was the time when we were supposed to really be best friends. Now is the time in life when you can stop worrying about mom/daughter stuff and I feel so cheated. It also further cements my atheism because I can't process how I can't even talk to her just one more time.. what kind of cruel, awful joke is that? She was my go to when I felt in pain, when I was having a crisis. She helped me so much and was so strong. I miss her so very, very much.

 

[total eclipse]

Sorry hun for your loss. Your mom will always be with you in your heart h un. Do something to commemorate her ok Something that will help other cancer pts perhaps. Everyone grieves differently hun and you will always miss her but i hope in time you can remember more good times hun with out the sadness hugs

 

[Bad_Wolf]

I am planning on converting all of the family VHS tapes my dad has and burning them to DVDs.. I also quit smoking in her honor. I think the best thing I can do to commemorate how awesome she was is to beat this freaking depression. My mom was a tough woman and the one thing she always stressed to me was sticking up for myself which I can do with others.. just not with myself.

 

[Sadeyes]

So sorry for your loss...it must feel very alone to not have her there for you

 

[Bad_Wolf]

It does.. I mean, I'm very close to my dad.. But I'm pretty much a spitting image of my mom. I got all my crazier personality traits from her! And I got my artistic talent from her mom who practically raised me the first few years of my life so I still miss her to this day and she passed when I was 12. It just sucks.. If there was any compassion in the universe, we'd be able to talk to see our loved ones lost at least once a year. Just for like five minutes. That would be such relief.