i miss you mom

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by White Dove, May 7, 2013.

  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    well, today is may 7 and 25 years ago last night i lost my mother. it was may 6 1988 and on that night our school had a dance and my oldest brother who passed away in dec 1 2008 told me that mom would want me to go to that dance so i hugged her in the hospital, told her i would be back later and went to the dance

    well that night about 730 my brother had the doctors pull the plug on mom and she passed away. i never got to say goodbye to her. i was 15 at the time just about to turn that sweet 16 on may 30 th and did not know that on that mothers day may 9 1988 i would be buring my mom. i thought that i would be able to go back to the hospital and tell her that i love her one more time and huge her but i could not, she was already gone and i could not say goodbye or that i love her anymore and i wish i could take back all the things in my life i did wrong or how i treated other people in my past because you never can tell when you might lose them and its hard to lose them when so young. i was 15 almost 16 and i remember at the funeral i was ok and then at the cemetary i was ok, not really crying at all just kind of in shock i guess but after the minister got thru talking and we had went back to the cars i looked back and i wish i had not done so because i saw them lower her casket into the ground and i lost it. i think i cried so long that night and i still go by her grave every now and then and talk with her maybe i am crazy but i think she hears me. i often think about all the things i have done wrong and the many mistakes i have made with people and i know i am not perfect i just hope someday they can see and understand i am only human and i remember when i snook out at night and my mom caught me, she whipped all the way back to the house with a switch on my legs i had many welps on my leggs but she did it because she loved me and if only i could turn back time i would not have gotten mad and cursed her out but i was young like 12 i think or maybe 13. i wished i had more time with her but the Lord needed her more i guess. i remember a time when my youngest brother and me were riding a bike and he outrun the rain, i know its hard to believe but he did outrun the rain and i got soking wet lol and i remember talking with her in the bedroom while she lay sick and if only i had made her go to the doc maybe she would have gotten better or could have cured the cancer but mom hated doctors and did not go, and i remember making her go one time and when she went they put her in and she never came home. for a while i blammed myself because i made her go but the cancer took her from me and it was not my fault although i kind of blammed myself for it. if any of you still have a mother please chaerish each and every moment with her as much as you can cause i dont have one anymore. God needed her more. and i admit i tried to fill her place a few times and one was with a minister and his wife who had the same birthdays as my mom and dad, weird i know but i cant replace and was afraid i would forget her forever but here it is 25 long years later and i am a 40 year old still very much missing her mother wish she was here, wish i had of had more time with her. mom i love you and i miss you. its been 25 long hard years and the pain is still there and deep but i know i will be with you again. loving you always.


    if you still have your mom, spend time with her and dont forget her on mothers day without her you would not be here. mothers always sacrafice so much for us and most of the time we are not thankfull enough and should be!
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you hun and yes i believe your mom is with you hun and watching over you and hears you I am sorry for your loss hun hugs
     
  3. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Dear White Dove, thank you for sharing your mum with us.

    I too have lost my mum and miss her terribly. I hope to honor her memory by giving the women in my life who are mothers flowers on Mothers Day. I can't give them to my mum but I can share them with others I hold dear.

    Your mother had a beautiful daughter and is proud, I'm sure, of how you've grown and blossomed. God bless you dear one. ♥
     
  4. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thank you much afraid. I just miss her so much. I wish I could just turn back the time and do it all over again if I could I would have spent more time with her. I would have liked to have really known her like what was her favorite foods to eat and where she went to school at and was dad her first love and all but I was 15 and was only thinking of school and young cute boys and all get the time I wasted back. on this day 25 years ago I was picking out what to bring to the funeral for her to wear and what songs to play at the wake and on that night. I still remember it plan as day, every thing I did that day, all the people I talked too some who knew her and went to school with her did not even know them. one song dad wanted to play that day was precious memories and that is what played at the wake when everyone came in to see her it is so hard to believe it has been 25 years to this day. that is a very long time ago yet I remember it vividly. well I got to get off here and get in bed and try to rest I guess, you know often at times when I think of her and get to crying I try so hard to hide my feelings from the others around me because at one time I was told that I like for people to feel sorry for me and that is so far from the truth so now I just kind of hide my feelings but I really do miss her a lot and I have no one to really talk to that is a lady or woman and I sure as heck cant talk to a man about my feelings cause they just don't understand. well thank you both for the kind replies and I am sorry you lost your mom too and hugs to you also!

    Total Eclipse, thank you for the hugs and hugs back to you. hun.
     
  5. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    It will be a year on friday (10th) I lost my mum to cancer and I am in more shock and disbelief now than when it happened.
    I helped nurse her and had to keep strong for her and not fall apart, then after to arrange the funeral etc and after people seemed to think I could just carry on usual.
    I dont want to be here, just want to be with her. I am very sick myself with many long term conditions and have poor quality of life anyway, so not sure what still doing here. The only thing putting me off ending it all is the risk its a sin and may not end up being with her in the afterlife, a BIG risk.

    You never forget and I am not sure as you will know yourself if time is a healer or not, just a big cliche.

    Take care and thanks for sharing your mum with us. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
     
  6. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    I am very sorry this is such a hard time for you. I agree that time is never going to heal this pain. I'm sure that depression magnifies it (at least it does for me.) I don't think you are looking for sympathy. I think you need people who can understand how hard life can be and offer some support. I'm thinking of you and your mum. I know the words don't exist that will make this easier for you (I wish they did).

    Please keep sharing. Let the emotions out. Cry with abandon. Tears are the way a wounded heart communicates. Anyone who doesn't understand that has been fortunate enough to not have to deal with crushing loss (yet). :(

    Sending you gentle hugs dear one. :hug: