Pre-cursor: I grew up with my grandmother and grandfather who both passed away by the time I was 17. 11 years later I'm here struggling with it still. I occasionally write things like this to help me through it. I've been making it through these past 11 years, but this time...for whatever reason the grief is really hitting me hard. I feel a little ridiculous because it's been so many years but alas...it still hurts so. So here I am. I'm struggling to cope. I can't seem to shake it this time. It's coming up on 11 years since I lost you. Since the very world opened up and swallowed me whole. I dreamt of you a few nights ago. There we were in my small hometown, in our little house, with the same old couch, same old carpet, the same...you. I saw you and rushed to you sobbing, uncontrollably. I felt you squeeze me. I felt you hold my face. You told me you loved me, to be strong. Suddenly I awoke, wrenched unwillingly back to this cruel reality, struggling to breathe, blinded by tears. Just as soon as I had you in my arms again, you were ripped away. I cried for 30 minutes straight. 3 days later I'm laying here struggling to find sleep. It's almost as if I lost you just yesterday. The tears come and go. The grief slashes relentlessly at my heart. I miss you. Oh my God. I miss you so. Why wont this feeling go away? This gut wrenching feeling...I want to be strong. I want to make you proud. But most of all...I just want you. I want to lay in your lap again while you caress my hair as a child. I want to hear your laugh. Your wonderful, beautiful infectious laugh. I want to hear that angry yell shouting my first and middle name that struck a chord in my soul only you could find. I treasure your memories. It's like a tape that plays over and over in my head. I'll always remember the night I was crying at my first realization of the fragility of life. I said "Mawmaw I never want to lose you." You told me, "Baby doll (I loved when you called me that), I won't always be with you here on earth, but I'll ALWAYS be in your heart." 11 years after your death...the grief sometimes knocks me sideways. You are in my heart. You are in my soul, my very being. When you died, the world went dark. A huge beacon of light suddenly extinguished. I've been struggling to find a light again. I've found a few lights that helped me a bit along the way, but they're just so dim compared to yours. Honestly, I think my heart shut down. At least the emotional function. The physical part keeps on pattering away. I'm afraid to love as deeply as I loved you. My heart was so shattered when I lost you. I don't think I'm capable of it quite frankly. And because I can't find that big, bright light anymore I feel lost and alone. Will I ever find someone as beautiful and wonderful as you? I'm broken...and my light is flickering low. I hope sometime soon a bright light will shine in on me again and save me from this pain. I fear, if not, my very own light will soon cease to be.