I need a GOOD reason to Live

[gabrielfan1983]

I am Joe and will kill myself soon.

I know what you will say:

You are young, have your're whole life ahead of you

I am a 30+ year old with a associate degree in Public Safety (its worthless, I don't have the credit or cash to further my education without getting a job making 30k first)

You will find a good job, besides money is not everything
I've been looking for seven years. No its not because I have a bad resume, I never been fired from a job or left in bad standing. No its not because I got bad grades in college, I'm manga cum laude. I went to a ton of job fairs and recruiters to find out why my resume does not get me interviews with decent jobs? answer: You graduated from a community college that is accredited with a very impressive gpa, but not impressive enough for today's competitive job market. Yes, you have a a degree but we want a bachelors degree. Plus you have no connections or experience. Since I've been in the service industry since I was 14 I'm a stupid and only know how to be a retail worker. No I will not get a good job. Just a slave to the rich public. Money is not everything? Money means you have food in your stomach, money means you have roof over your head, money means you have the freedom to travel. Money means you can get help when your sick, hurt, or in pain. I grew up poor, joined the work force when I was 14 (paid under the table since I was a minor) and know what its like to go for days without food, or to sleep in a house with no heat or light in the middle of winter. Money means you can go to a "Impressive" college to make a resume "Impressive" Money is everything.

You are just lonely, you will find a companion to make life worth living
I will never find a attractive women to love me or just spend time with me (I'm overweight, poor, and never had a hit on five different dating sites) If I can't even get a date in my teens or twenties, what chance do I have now. Besides who wants a man who is still bagging groceries at 30, and hates himself?

If you kill yourself you will hurt those who love you, who care about you
My family will not be upset that I'm dead, they will be upset that I have little life insurance and will be pissed they will have to spend 500 dollars to dispose of my body. Besides we all die, does it matter how? My friends might have a toast then be thankful I'm out of misery.

At least you have your health
I live with a permanent nerve pain from a past injury. I don't care about my health, I wish I was worse so I can die naturally sooner.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem
If you have no permanent solution to misery, or even a day to day solution, then why not use a permanent solution that will eliminate you pain and misery?

Suicide is a sin
Is god not forgiving? Are the 9/11 rescue workers who ran into the towers knowing they were going to fall sinners? Does god not want us to find peace and happiness? Did Jesus not commit Suicide?

You are being Selfish
I am only wanting to find peace and happiness. I'm not entitled to it, I don't automatically deserve it, and there are many worst off then me. But I have no hope, no dreams, no future. I can't keep lying to myself by saying "It will get better, keep hoping" Every year life gets worse. More pain, fear, and misery. Also if I kill myself that is one less person fighting for a job. I die it opens a position for someone else to succeed. So in a way I'm being selfless.

I'm very scared.

I don't have anymore hope.

So can someone give me one GOOD reason to live

Is there a pill to make me have hope?

I am posting this to see if I can find a new perspective, For I have none to keep going.

 

[JmpMster]

Have you ever got any treatment for depression? That is usually a really good first step in correcting many of the problems you describe. I agree that while you hate yourself and do not care about yourself or anything that it is very unlikely you present a great image or attitude to either employers or perspective girlfriends but that is treatable and correctable and once that is addressed then it suddenly becomes possible to see possibilities worth striving for plus what is pain and misery every day is not anymore so it seems worth it to. Deciding to kill yourself before trying to treat the underlying cause of many of your problems is selling yourself short and while i am sure it doe snot seem it at this moment because at this moment everything sucks I have been there - and when you get treatment that works everything does not suck and then there are reasons to feel hope and positive and you do put forth a better image and things do get better. The only thing that is hopeless is to do absolutely nothing and hope things just get spontaneously better.

 

[Linny]

Just starting off with saying I like you're idea about the officers in 9/11. That's a great argument, as are the rest of your reasoning. As for is there a pill to give you hope, no but there are pills that can clear your head or calm your nerves. My mother has to take pills so that she'll be less agitated and my brother was prescribed something that I called "happy pills", and actually have no knowledge at the moment of what they were called, after he attempted suicide. But putting all of the reasoning aside. In case you don't find a way to keep on:

You are not being selfish.
You are not going to be left behind.
And because you have opened yourself to this community, you will not be forgotten or go unmissed.

There are reasons out there to live and while we can give you as many as we can think of, it's not our choice. Maybe volunteering at a shelter for animals or nursing home may help you find reason, being around those who are near death or who also don't have anyone left. Whenever you get the money, maybe you should try to move so that you've got a fresh start. "There's always tomorrow" always seems like a shit excuse but it's true. There's always another day that you can wake up and say "screw you, I'm going to do what I want because I frigging deserve it and NOT because anyone tells me I do." But if you don't want to wake up, we understand. Nobody here really wants to wake up. It's difficult. But there are people here who understand that there isn't really a good reason to live so you can always talk to us and maybe we'll figure something out for each other.

 

[gabrielfan1983]

NYJmpMaster & Lin thank you so much. To NYJmpMaster I did see a doc that diagnosed me type 2 Bi-Polar. I do take meds but all they do is make me sick and lethargic, I'm hoping for a non-stimulant hobby, idea, something to make life more bearable. Don't get me wrong, I'm not materialistic, I just grew up poor with uncertainty and learned very young the importance of money. I just want a stable life not paycheck to paycheck. After re-reading my post it sounded like my life revolves around riches, it doesn't. Also as I stated I work in retail (a high end food store) that makes you feel inferior. The store caters to the "well to do" in my city and most of the customers are very snooty. So when you leave your job you don't feel accomplishment, you feel a failure. Although I'm very good at my job and have many customer and co-workers praise my work and interactions. Also I've been working in service since I was very young to provide a better life then Ramen noodles and ill fitting cloths. So I hoped college was my ticket to a better life, I was living a pipe dream. I focus on others happiness so much I feel I can't focus on mine. I spend a lot of my time volunteering and helping friends with anything and always feel great when i'm able to help out. Although its very hard for he to ask for help for myself. Its a hard time for me right now, holidays and all. All I think about and get reminded of is that most of my family has passed away, the ones left I want nothing to do with, my friends focus on their families so I see less of them, and work is extra hard with a horde of impatient and disrespectful shoppers. Also I am a suicide survivor. I came very close to death and it cost me nerve damage, but had a taste of death and it was soooo good. I came to this site to just be able to talk and try to prevent me from doing it again. I've hope that I can help others too. I'm much better now I put my thoughts to the public and it help give me a new perspective for the week so thank you.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

Have you thought about going to a 4 year college and get the ba degree you need? It's only two more years, can still hold a job and go there part time and work towards the degree. Loans are there.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Hi Joe, welcome to SF. I don't think you are being selfish, and anyone who says that doesn't understand what you are going through. Don't worry too much about not finding someone right away, that will come in time. I used to think there was no hope, now I am finally in therapy after decades of depression and suicidal thoughts. I know it feels like there is not much hope now, but I feel that things can turn around now. I hope you keep posting here because we will always be here to support you.

 

[Bart]

Hi Joe,

I spent a long time reading and rereading your posts so that I had a full understanding of where you're coming from. Also, I was trying to figure out what to say to you!!!

You've certainly thought this all through - with a negative mind. People have depression for all sorts of reasons, but one thing is common - there is a negative perception of life. That's not to say that there aren't valid reasons for thinking that way.

Taking a look at your posts, there are a few things which I can pick out which tell me that there are seeds of happiness.
Here they are.

'My friends might have a toast then be thankful I'm out of misery.'. So you *do* have friends. Time for you to use them a bit instead of always being at their beck and call.


'I am only wanting to find peace and happiness.'. You can do that alive. Others do. So can you.


'So can someone give me one GOOD reason to live'. What only 'one'?. As for 'GOOD' - how about 'To discover your true potential'?


'Is there a pill to make me have hope?. No. But at least you're hoping that there's hope!!!


'I am posting this to see if I can find a new perspective'. You finished your post on a positive note!!!!


' I'm hoping for a non-stimulant hobby, idea, something to make life more bearable'. Good idea in itself. Maybe look back to your childhood to identify the sorts of things which interested you.


'....I work in retail (a high end food store)...'. Has to be better than a low end store.


'Although I'm very good at my job and have many customer and co-workers praise my work and interactions. '. This is where you really need to focus. If you're good at this job, one which is way below your capabilities, imagine how you'll be when you get a job more in keeping with your expectations? You'll be 'delivering' at a very high level!!!


'I focus on others happiness so much I feel I can't focus on mine.'. So you are able to make other people happy. About time you focused on your own happiness, perhaps by engaging your friends to help bring that about.


'I spend a lot of my time volunteering and helping friends with anything and always feel great when i'm able to help out.' Altruism brings short term happiness, but can lead to feelings of resentfulness.


Joe, I do not for one second think that you are not severely depressed, but I do think that everything combined has pushed you into a very negative mind and once there, it seems as if everything *has* to be negative.


Can you find a friend to help you look at your feelings in a different way and at the same time offer ideas of ways you can achieve your goals? It's seldom that *anybody* gets to their destination entirely on their own power. Sure you have to put in 95% of the effort, but a little help can bring a little luck as well.

I hope you read this Joe, it took me an hour to compose!!!!

 

[MessengerFromHell]

I am sorry to hear that. I feel you. Being too good maybe your disadvantage. Your superior may feel threatened.

Wat are the things that being out the best of yourself?