I need help understanding this disorder

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by ShoegazeDaydream, Jun 24, 2016.

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  1. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    Someone I know has aspergers and he's my old boyfriend and we're both really close now and he's even told me that he only wants to be with me yet he won't put a label on our relationship. I believe he's truly scared because his last girlfriend cheated on him with a guy she met off of World Of Warcraft, married him and had a baby with him. He was always faithful to her and he blames himself constantly for people leaving him and cheating on him, he's depressed by his disorder. He won't say it outloud, I can feel it though. Believe he blames his disorder for his girlfriend's for always leaving him. He'll be very honest with me about his disorder and he told me to read up on it. I read up on it, I just don't fully understand it completely because I have a learning disability and talking to someone who understand this disorder will help me understand him better. I pick up on his mood swings, they seem very familiar to mine because I'm bipolar. In my heart, I feel it may be a little bit different from him. There's times he's very loving towards me and than he gets distant. He won't ignore me in the room and he'll talk to me, he's just very quiet and seems distant a little bit. There was a time where I felt he was growing bored of me and I ended up nodding off and each time I nodded off and woke up, he kept looking at me. Than I realized that maybe he just gets in these weird little moods and he doesn't mean to do what he does. He'll kiss me, be passionate and tender. I see love in his blue eyes as he looks at me. Example: One day we were cuddling together and he kissed my forehead twice. The minute he did this, I felt so much love from him. No other guy has ever did this to me ever. I feel like he loves me so much but it scares him at the same time.

    Than other times again he kinda pulls away. I think he's scared of getting hurt again. He did tell me that he trusts me, deep down I think he's very scared. He even mentioned being in a relationship with me and then once again he pulled back.

    He told me that he has a hard time relating to people, that sometimes he doesn't always want to talk to people, he likes being alone a lot of the time, nervous going out to movies sometimes and getting out of the house sometimes. There's times he pushes himself to leave. Before we leave, he usually gets upset stomachs and suffers with IBS and told me to give him a while before we leave. There's times he says things that may seem hurtful, he said he doesn't mean it. Once again this seems very familiar to me because yet again I say very inappropriate things sometimes and hurtful things because I'm bipolar. He's mentioned how sometimes he wants to "run away" and he does isolate himself a lot. There's times he gets quiet and won't want to talk at all. We'll sit quietly and immediately again I feel like I did something wrong. He keeps telling me, "You didn't do anything wrong. I want you here. Don't worry so much." When I'm ready to say "Goodbye" to me I feel as if shuts himself off and he'll kiss and hug me, yet it's not as passionate as when he first greeted me. He has a hard time taking in emotions, especially sadness and anger and when people are angry it freaks him out. Emotions seems to be a very scary thing to him and he mentioned how it overwhelms him. I do my best to try to put him at ease. A few times I did cry and now I'm trying to maintain my emotions. The last two times I saw him I was very emotional and I feel as it overwhelmed him a lot. As of right now he won't talk to me as much and I feel as if my emotions scared him away into hiding again. He gets a lot of nightmares which he told me he gets are "night terrors" and I care for him so deeply. I tried posting this up in two other forums and nobody responded. All I know is the symptoms. That's all I know of. The things that he told me. I read more online and I understand the articles, I just have a learning disability and it takes me a lot longer to take in certain things. This is all I know of his disorder and I'd really really appreciate if someone responded back to this thread or gave me a pm. I want to understand him, so I can offer him my support. I love him so much that I'm willing on trying to understand him and support him. I need to learn about this disorder so next time I see him, I'll be a lot more understanding. I'm a very very patient person, I just hope someone can help me understand him a little better. Everything I wrote is all I know of. If there's more you'd like to tell me, please do so please! I want to understand this disorder. He means everything to me.
  2. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    I don't know why no one replied so far (maybe you would have had more luck on an Asperger online community). My knowledge about Asperger's Syndrome is limited to online research I did some time ago so I'm not really an authority on this. You seem to already know a lot about it so I want to apologize in advance if I end up only repeating what you already know.

    One of the bigger issues people with Asperger's have is reading other people's feelings and expressing their feelings in a way others understand them. For some it's hard to tell from someone's facial expression what they are feeling like right now. It sounds like he is anxious about not understanding your feelings properly.
    It's not limited to just facial expressions though, a person with Asperger's might end up more likely saying stuff that hurts another person without the inclination to harm them that way. I think there is a limit to this where you have to draw the line to an abusive relationship but from what you have told it sounds like you have both the will to care about eachother and it's more like a communication issue than actually deliberately being rude to the other?
    Something many people with Aspergers don't like is eye contact. It might be different if you know the person well maybe but I heard for many it's terrible if a stranger looks at their eyes for a long time. (I'm not sure how much this applies to every person with the condition though.)

    As far as I understand it there isn't really a "cure" for Asperger's (you know some also don't classify it as illness but rather as a personality). If he's willing to learn to deal with people better that could be something therapy might help with. It's a lot of work, some people described learning social interaction like learning a difficult foreign language. Social isolation is a common runaway action but nothing is going to change without actually working on it. If it doesn't bother anyone ok, but I think in general it's a big impairment of life quality and worth working on.

    I guess this might not have been helpful at all and I know really well that bipolar is a condition that is a lot to deal in itself. I think you'll mostly have to be really patient and forgiving with your boyfriend and talk through things. You can encourage him to work on his social skills. As said a therapist might help too if he's not seeing one already. Maybe pair or group therapy might be a good idea?
  3. Tenshi-Hyuuga

    Tenshi-Hyuuga New Member


    I can say with being in a engagement with someone with Asperger's; it is not always easy to make sure it is clearly understood that you do care about them. He has a huge ability to trust, but not let you in to the extent he can feel accepted as himself around you. And a big thing that always with my bipolar disorder mixture, is that tone of voice was always huge for me to figure out what others were feeling. He might have not had a lot of therapy that helps him differentiate a joking tone vs an angry tone. And it's a huge challenge for even myself to figure out what someone's feeling! Even when I ask why someone's tone is a certain way (ex: tired can sound like irritated to me); I have to ask more than one to know for sure. And be reassured on my end, that everything's ok and that I am not at fault.

    The same type of reassurance on his end from you will speak volumes! My fiance had a bag of worms he had never worked out in his life, and me knowing that some of these issues might hinder our relationship's growth; I turned on my therapist cap for him. He did have to learn at times, I will get overwhelmed; at the point I let him know that I'm having a hard time processing something he shared with me. I always made it clear we had to change the subject and take a chill pill break. So that I can separate my personal reaction from what it really is. That is a challenge I had to overcome in therapy many years prior to meeting him. With each issue we talked through so it can even on his end be more accepted in his heart as being in the past, he and I got closer and our relationship strengthened.

    And this was all while I was teaching him about a disorder he had lived with in his childhood in his own siblings. Seeing he shared and I'll mention in brief that his family has genetic markers for Bipolar Disorder and he was the only one that did not develop it. His ability to learn how to accept what bipolar really could be for those that lived with it, allowed his own resolve to come to terms with the fact his past was out of his control. But, luckily God brought him someone to teach him that it was ok. (He credits God to have brought me to him) As a result, he started to step up more and more with asking me how I felt, how my day would go; and be my memory keeper when my episodes would even block out the best times we've spent together. (Which in my depressive crisis moments are a godsend! It reminds me why I've kept going!)

    It takes a lot of strength that at times we don't have as those with bipolar disorder to understand someone that has Asperger's; but if the give and take in a relationship is mastered. Life and the love that is there at the start gets much, much stronger!
    Just keep the overwhelm meter clear at where it's at when something will be shared when you're discussing things.

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