I'm fifteen and I just don't think this mentality of mine is normal for someone my age. I don't know how I can fit all my troubles and feelings into 1 post so I'm just going to have to try.
It started roughly when I was 3 or so my brother says. My dad started beating mom, they got into arguments, money issues blahblah then when I was 7 my dad just left and lived in a city 300 km away from my mom. I've been staying at his place every school holiday. He lived alone and was constantly drunk. He wasn't drunk only when me or my brother were visiting him. Throughout the years he has helped with my education and other stuff. Since he lived in a bigger city in which my dream school(at least I thought it was...) is located I went living with him. It's a living hell with him. Name callings and what not, makes me feel like shit.
I wanna tell about this particular situation. My dad was watching TV and there was this TV show which apparently had some gay guy and he jokingly said that if either me or my brother were gay he'd kill himself. He said it in a joking matter but I know he despises gay people considering his upbringing. That really hurt me because I'm... well, gay. I feel like I'm in this giant mummer's farce - if I tell him, I'm going to get disowned, if I don't sooner or later he'd become suspicious why I don't have a girlfriend and I'm going to have to tell him eventually. Not only that, the public's general opinion on the LGBT community where I live is really negative. There was this pride parade last year and the church was calling out for people to stone the 'assdivers'. People really did go out on the streets to "protest" the parade but in reality they just beat up people from the parade and threw stones at them.
My mother introduced me to that particular school I was talking about. Since I have excellent grades I could have gotten into any school. I was really confused which school to choose so I chose that one. My mom liked it so I thought 'meh, why not'. The curriculum is boring, the people in this school are boring, I don't have any friends and I get called names. In my previous school people at least knew me well and didn't call me names. The problem is that my dad opposed that school and when I mentioned transferring he said "Oh, no you won't. You chose this school, you have to bear 5 years in it now. Didn't I tell you not to listen to your mother?". I just can't see myself as a fully grown functioning part of society. I've taken up a profession which I don't really like at all.
So far I've covered some of the reasons why I want to do "it" - money issues, family issues, the fact that I'm gay in the most unfortunate place and the school which disappointed me so much.
Now it's time for the philosophical reasons.
I'm a nihilist. Even an ethical nihilist too. Life is just so simple - some people have sex, then you're born and you have to live long enough so you could reproduce as well. That's the only "mission" people have. I just don't see a reason to live in a world where morals are dictated by 2000 years of Christian dogmas.
When... If I die, what happens? Nothing. People describe it as peace. That's fine with me. Peace is what I'm looking for. If I die I'll stop being a burden to my family, my dad would never be disappointed with who I really am and I'm going to save myself a life time of doing something I don't like at all. Seems like the only situation where everybody wins.
Please, help. Thanks for reading.
It started roughly when I was 3 or so my brother says. My dad started beating mom, they got into arguments, money issues blahblah then when I was 7 my dad just left and lived in a city 300 km away from my mom. I've been staying at his place every school holiday. He lived alone and was constantly drunk. He wasn't drunk only when me or my brother were visiting him. Throughout the years he has helped with my education and other stuff. Since he lived in a bigger city in which my dream school(at least I thought it was...) is located I went living with him. It's a living hell with him. Name callings and what not, makes me feel like shit.
I wanna tell about this particular situation. My dad was watching TV and there was this TV show which apparently had some gay guy and he jokingly said that if either me or my brother were gay he'd kill himself. He said it in a joking matter but I know he despises gay people considering his upbringing. That really hurt me because I'm... well, gay. I feel like I'm in this giant mummer's farce - if I tell him, I'm going to get disowned, if I don't sooner or later he'd become suspicious why I don't have a girlfriend and I'm going to have to tell him eventually. Not only that, the public's general opinion on the LGBT community where I live is really negative. There was this pride parade last year and the church was calling out for people to stone the 'assdivers'. People really did go out on the streets to "protest" the parade but in reality they just beat up people from the parade and threw stones at them.
My mother introduced me to that particular school I was talking about. Since I have excellent grades I could have gotten into any school. I was really confused which school to choose so I chose that one. My mom liked it so I thought 'meh, why not'. The curriculum is boring, the people in this school are boring, I don't have any friends and I get called names. In my previous school people at least knew me well and didn't call me names. The problem is that my dad opposed that school and when I mentioned transferring he said "Oh, no you won't. You chose this school, you have to bear 5 years in it now. Didn't I tell you not to listen to your mother?". I just can't see myself as a fully grown functioning part of society. I've taken up a profession which I don't really like at all.
So far I've covered some of the reasons why I want to do "it" - money issues, family issues, the fact that I'm gay in the most unfortunate place and the school which disappointed me so much.
Now it's time for the philosophical reasons.
I'm a nihilist. Even an ethical nihilist too. Life is just so simple - some people have sex, then you're born and you have to live long enough so you could reproduce as well. That's the only "mission" people have. I just don't see a reason to live in a world where morals are dictated by 2000 years of Christian dogmas.
When... If I die, what happens? Nothing. People describe it as peace. That's fine with me. Peace is what I'm looking for. If I die I'll stop being a burden to my family, my dad would never be disappointed with who I really am and I'm going to save myself a life time of doing something I don't like at all. Seems like the only situation where everybody wins.
Please, help. Thanks for reading.
although I prefer mine metaphysical. But these christian views come from a religion which stole so many parts from different ones, which they then turn round and condemn.... hey, sounds like they're the messed up ones, not you. You don't have to conform. In fact I'll let you in on a little secret....it's pretty awesome not to. Definitely worth sticking around for.