I realize that I need help. That's why I'm here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thenn, Jun 28, 2013.

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  1. thenn

    thenn New Member

    I'm fifteen and I just don't think this mentality of mine is normal for someone my age. I don't know how I can fit all my troubles and feelings into 1 post so I'm just going to have to try.

    It started roughly when I was 3 or so my brother says. My dad started beating mom, they got into arguments, money issues blahblah then when I was 7 my dad just left and lived in a city 300 km away from my mom. I've been staying at his place every school holiday. He lived alone and was constantly drunk. He wasn't drunk only when me or my brother were visiting him. Throughout the years he has helped with my education and other stuff. Since he lived in a bigger city in which my dream school(at least I thought it was...) is located I went living with him. It's a living hell with him. Name callings and what not, makes me feel like shit.

    I wanna tell about this particular situation. My dad was watching TV and there was this TV show which apparently had some gay guy and he jokingly said that if either me or my brother were gay he'd kill himself. He said it in a joking matter but I know he despises gay people considering his upbringing. That really hurt me because I'm... well, gay. I feel like I'm in this giant mummer's farce - if I tell him, I'm going to get disowned, if I don't sooner or later he'd become suspicious why I don't have a girlfriend and I'm going to have to tell him eventually. Not only that, the public's general opinion on the LGBT community where I live is really negative. There was this pride parade last year and the church was calling out for people to stone the 'assdivers'. People really did go out on the streets to "protest" the parade but in reality they just beat up people from the parade and threw stones at them.

    My mother introduced me to that particular school I was talking about. Since I have excellent grades I could have gotten into any school. I was really confused which school to choose so I chose that one. My mom liked it so I thought 'meh, why not'. The curriculum is boring, the people in this school are boring, I don't have any friends and I get called names. In my previous school people at least knew me well and didn't call me names. The problem is that my dad opposed that school and when I mentioned transferring he said "Oh, no you won't. You chose this school, you have to bear 5 years in it now. Didn't I tell you not to listen to your mother?". I just can't see myself as a fully grown functioning part of society. I've taken up a profession which I don't really like at all.

    So far I've covered some of the reasons why I want to do "it" - money issues, family issues, the fact that I'm gay in the most unfortunate place and the school which disappointed me so much.

    Now it's time for the philosophical reasons.

    I'm a nihilist. Even an ethical nihilist too. Life is just so simple - some people have sex, then you're born and you have to live long enough so you could reproduce as well. That's the only "mission" people have. I just don't see a reason to live in a world where morals are dictated by 2000 years of Christian dogmas.

    When... If I die, what happens? Nothing. People describe it as peace. That's fine with me. Peace is what I'm looking for. If I die I'll stop being a burden to my family, my dad would never be disappointed with who I really am and I'm going to save myself a life time of doing something I don't like at all. Seems like the only situation where everybody wins.

    Please, help. Thanks for reading.
  2. Nekosuki

    Nekosuki Member

    Hi hun. First off, you're not alone. I was raised from the age of 2 to be a mormon. Very strict upbringing, and from a young age we were encouraged to meet other people our age from the church, to get married, have children and be this "perfect" family. My first real crush at 11 years old however was on my best friend from school. I used to tear myself apart because it was "wrong" and according to how I was raised "completely against nature".

    Living in that city, with your dad...it's not forever, it just feels like it. Telling him might make a part of you feel better but if you're there for the next 5 years it's going to be tough, especially with no physical support beside you (although here you will always find someone to listen). Would speaking to your mum help? Would she support you moving back?

    Quite agree with your nihilistic views :) although I prefer mine metaphysical. But these christian views come from a religion which stole so many parts from different ones, which they then turn round and condemn.... hey, sounds like they're the messed up ones, not you. You don't have to conform. In fact I'll let you in on a little secret....it's pretty awesome not to. Definitely worth sticking around for.

    Not sure if this has helped but if you want someone to listen and discuss existentialism with pm me.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...your father sounds like he has so many issues...he is not able to separate his stuff about your mother from your decisions about your education, is homophobic and is an alcoholic, etc., but unfortunately, it sounds like he has the financial control...is there money available for you at the other school so that you do not have to depend upon your father? Can you start to work part time and build up some money for the same purpose? If not, as it was said, this is very temporary...be who you can be outside the home, and when you can, leave...you will be surprised how fast time really does go...wishing you the best
  4. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    Wow i commend you for your courage in coming here and being honest about your situation. I was always so worried about what other people thought about my sexuality when they were busy getting on with life ...I spent so much time and energy worrying about what other people thought of me ...my worst nightmare was my brother finding out and it happened and he was pretty cool about it... I was the one who wasn't ...I had the biggest problem with my sexuality.... Theres a saying it goes ..."What people think and feel about me dosent effect me ...only what i think and feel ...about what they think and feel effects me"...Please dont waist your life living a lie obssessed about what other people think and feel about who you really are it will eat away at you...Im twice your age and trust me you dont want to end up like me....messed up because i suppressed my true self and ended up on the scrap heap...peace and light Ps your father probably senses that you are gay and in his drunken state was making a dig at you? Just a thought
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