I really hate myself

[sadhart]

So, because I enjoy torturing myself, I decided to attend my area's AA founder's day picnic. Last year, I tried to help setup, but quickly realized that it was kind of overwhelming because I kept getting asked to do things that was well beyond my comfort zone. So I left before the event actually started.

So I'm here again. I think I have stayed slightly longer than last year. But what I hate myself on is how inadequate I am to everyone else. I am so useless and I don't belong here. I mean, I feel this way anywhere I go,but I never get used to this.

 

[nicktheundoer]

So, because I enjoy torturing myself, I decided to attend my area's AA founder's day picnic. Last year, I tried to help setup, but quickly realized that it was kind of overwhelming because I kept getting asked to do things that was well beyond my comfort zone. So I left before the event actually started.

So I'm here again. I think I have stayed slightly longer than last year. But what I hate myself on is how inadequate I am to everyone else. I am so useless and I don't belong here. I mean, I feel this way anywhere I go,but I never get used to this.

Hey..you could just do tonglen or pray to God about it..personal,tonglen worked for me..
Like you imagine all the people in the universe who are going through the same problem as you..then you imagine breathing all their sufferings into you as a black smoke going through your nostrils and filling up your whole body with the black smoke..then while you breathe out..you imagine sending white rays like your merit,your positivity to them so that everyone who's experience the same problem will be completely happy..it might work give it a go..hugs....

 

[sadhart]

Hey..you could just do tonglen or pray to God about it..personal,tonglen worked for me..
Like you imagine all the people in the universe who are going through the same problem as you..then you imagine breathing all their sufferings into you as a black smoke going through your nostrils and filling up your whole body with the black smoke..then while you breathe out..you imagine sending white rays like your merit,your positivity to them so that everyone who's experience the same problem will be completely happy..it might work give it a go..hugs....

And this worked for you?

 

[nicktheundoer]

And this worked for you?

Yes it did..100%.. it gave me strength

 

[nicktheundoer]

Look up online for tonglen practices..it might give you an idea how to do it..if you want to do it of course..

 

[sadhart]

Look up online for tonglen practices..it might give you an idea how to do it..if you want to do it of course..

I'm glad it worked for you, but right now, I just feel this disconnect with everyone and everything. Too many times I have been told bullshit like others have it worse, and that just makes me feel like I don't count in this world or something. When people do that, it doesn't make you feel like others can relate to you. It just makes you feel alone. So if there was someone else yesterday who felt just as awkward at that AA picnic as I did, or some other AA picnic somewhere else in the world, I don't think they felt the anxiety and pain I was in. Sorry for being negative, but I am in a pretty shitty place right now.

 

[nicktheundoer]

I'm glad it worked for you, but right now, I just feel this disconnect with everyone and everything. Too many times I have been told bullshit like others have it worse, and that just makes me feel like I don't count in this world or something. When people do that, it doesn't make you feel like others can relate to you. It just makes you feel alone. So if there was someone else yesterday who felt just as awkward at that AA picnic as I did, or some other AA picnic somewhere else in the world, I don't think they felt the anxiety and pain I was in. Sorry for being negative, but I am in a pretty shitty place right now.

I'm sorry you felt that way..

 

[iloverachel]

my friend

 

[AvidFan]

Sorry you feel like you don't belong and feel this way about yourself 😥

 

[LumberJack]

I'm glad it worked for you, but right now, I just feel this disconnect with everyone and everything. …So if there was someone else yesterday who felt just as awkward at that AA picnic as I did, or some other AA picnic somewhere else in the world, I don't think they felt the anxiety and pain I was in.

I practice tonglen regularly as it is part of the traditional meditation practices in the Buddhist school that I study with. The way I think about this is that there are about 8bn people on this planet. Even if the odds are 1 in a billion that someone else feels like I feel, that’s still 7-8 people in the same boat as me.

So at any point in time, there’s probably at least several folks who are in a similar experience. Which is not to say that they experience your exact pain, but they are in a similar situation.

I would like to suggest that Tonglen is a moderately difficult practice, and if you don’t have any stability from sitting practice, you are not going to get as much from practicing Tonglen. This is because it’s what Buddhists call a “reverse meditation” because it’s reversing the way ego wants to behave.

Practicing metta is usually somewhat easier, although metta and Tonglen are both practices that cultivate compassion. You can find metta instructions on just about any meditation app. If you can find something by Jack Kornfield, it’s probably worth trying. I hope this helps.

 

[sadhart]

Stupid thing logged me out so I will just keep this short: I'm hurting so much right now and I want to just give up on my farce of a life. I'm tired of feeling like this.

 

[nicktheundoer]

Stupid thing logged me out so I will just keep this short: I'm hurting so much right now and I want to just give up on my farce of a life. I'm tired of feeling like this.

I'm sorry you feel that way..I hope there's a way to calm your heart and feel happy...hugs..

 

[may71]

I think it's good that you made the effort to go the picnic, but I'm sorry that things didn't turn out well.

Do you feel like if you had a good friend in AA that was there to support you that it would have made a difference? I think being alone at a social event can sometimes make you feel more alone.

 

[LumberJack]

I wanted to add that I am sorry that you are struggling. I am glad you are writing about it here. I hope you can find something that can bring you even momentary joy. For me that happens to be meditation, but for you it is likely to be something else.

I have some heavy trauma in my background, and I think it’s the root of my depression. I’m stuck in the past trying to make meaning out of what happened. Sometimes cooking gets me out of my head and is an escape for a little while, especially if I’m cooking for others. I don’t know how it works, but I have noticed it happens.

I mentioned the trauma in case that’s an issue for you too. I think the point is to relax, and the particular technique doesn’t matter much. This is what nudged me out of my recent episode. I’m not trying to give advice. I’m not qualified! I’m sharing what worked for me in the hope that it kicks off a thought process that leads you to what works for you.

 

[SamB]

You probably don’t want to hear this but making the effort to go to something you knew you would struggle with is really good. The fact that you stayed longer than the year before even if it was only a little bit longer also sounds good.
I hope you will feel like you belong here at least. You are more the man adequate to me.

 

[IRE1992]

I just left event earlier today that I promised I would stay for at least an hour. Similar emotions. I also felt out of my depth - It a painting session and I was clearly was leagues behind others.
I'm trying to no beat myself up to much about it as at least I actually went to a session and next time I'll try and stay.
Even staying bit longer at the picnic than last year is still progress.

 

[sadhart]

This past week was not good overall. Friday, this dumbass double wide trailer decided to drive down the road during afternoon traffic and then get stuck taking two lanes. While trying to get over, I didn't realize the car in front of me was completely stopped and I hit her. I was mortified and angry at myself at that dumbass double wide. But when she got out of her car, she didn't see any damage and said it was fine without getting police or insurance involved. But it's stuff like that why I feared driving for so long.

Aside from that there were some things that happened at work that reminded me how I just still feel so inadequate.

Anyway,I'm sorry for seeming ungrateful to those who had encouraging things to say.

 

[may71]

But when she got out of her car, she didn't see any damage and said it was fine without getting police or insurance involved.

I'm glad it turned out like that.

I'm sorry for seeming ungrateful

Please don't worry

 

[brian856894]

So, because I enjoy torturing myself, I decided to attend my area's AA founder's day picnic. Last year, I tried to help setup, but quickly realized that it was kind of overwhelming because I kept getting asked to do things that was well beyond my comfort zone. So I left before the event actually started.

So I'm here again. I think I have stayed slightly longer than last year. But what I hate myself on is how inadequate I am to everyone else. I am so useless and I don't belong here. I mean, I feel this way anywhere I go,but I never get used to this.

I get that feeling of being useless and inadequate. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

sadhart can you imagine how you would treat a friend going through this same thing? Would you crap all over them for not doing perfectly, or just give them credit for showing up.

Showing up is half of life. Maybe think about how you wish things had gone differently, and what you would do next time. And then let it go because it's over and nobody is perfect.

Taking risks is important. How things turn out is not important. Be your own best friend and treat yourself with the kindness and respect you would a friend.