I don't even know if this is the right place to post this,, ive fucked up a lot,, huge mistakes I know I can never rectify. It doesn't matter what I do, what I try or what I aspire to or attempt to dream for, it all seems hollow. I feel empty, nothing really phases me, I can act how I am socially expected to, I can pretend to 'feel', I can give what is perceived as an emotional response but the truth is I just dont actually let it in. I know that inside somewhere are so many feelings and emotions, some of them so overwhelmingly strong that I cant even bare to be without noise. I sleep to it, eat to it, drive to it, anything to drown out my own thoughts. I would rather buckle into a book or do something factual than listen to my heart. The consequence is ive lost touch,, I cant call upon the emotions now I need them and I want them to rebuild my life, to connect with the people and passions that once gave me a feeling of love, connection, achievement and purpose. Ive caused so much hurt, so much pain that I know its crushing me. I cant allow myself to feel it because it overwhelms me, if I lay in silence and my thoughts creep in it isnt too long before I buckle and crumble into tears, half the time unable to verbalize why because its so overpowering. I lie, I hide myself from everyone, including myself because im afraid of who I am. I cannot move on, There is no forgiveness, I have to live with the consequences every single day and just when I think I can move forward something else happens, something that although is not a direct result of my past mistake is connected with the situation and the walls come up, the hate floods in and everything ive tried to touch with crumbles before my eyes. Outwardly i'm strong, capable, independent and thoughtful, inwardly I say and do whatever makes rational sense in the moment and then I kick it out of my head, there is no room for any more chaos. I don't muse about things, I don't think about things, I say my piece and push it out, away from me, I don't want anything to touch me but inside,, Im secretly wishing I knew what it was like to truly touch with something. The walls have been up that long that they have blended into who I am, the very foundation of what was once a person and turned me to stone, weathered and mildly permeable, but cold and unbend able. Am I alone in this? Has anyone ever felt like this and managed to break free? I need to know that my life is more than just waiting to die.