I so need something

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by uncleddy, Apr 5, 2013.

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  1. uncleddy

    uncleddy Member

    I walked alot over the last week, round Ladybower, Foxhouse, etc, these are areas of open rural country near where i live (the peak district in yorkshire UK), i have covered alot of miles, i love the freedom, i wander...my mind wanders, its vast open space where i feel safe, the problem is that as soon as i start to enjoy it, the FEAR kicks in, i find it difficult to explain but quite simply is a fear of everything, its like an addiction i have, if i dont fear it, its because i have thought about it yet, not the type of fear that is "oh i dont like spiders", this is the type that gives me cold shivers, panic attacks, a tightening of my chest, i get short of breath, i try to hide, i avoid, i deny....i walked today well past the point where my feet began to bleed, both my hands bled,(a result of clenching) my body is so tight that i can hardly move.

    Now that i am home the family have gone to bed, i am sat here, i am afraid to turn on a light, afraid to turn over the tv channel... i dare not move, even writing this makes me a wreck, i am full of "what if", i cant carry on like this, its ridiculous, oh and yes i do know how silly i am being....walk a mile in my shoes.

    sorry if i offend anybody.
     
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    First WOW what a lovely area to walk, I am from Devon and we have some lovely walks, hard to enjoy when you are so tensed up right? What are you thinking about when this happens? Thank you for sharing though, it must have taken a lot to do so, I imagine, if I can help let me know, just know you are not alone.

    Take Care

    Rich
     
  3. uncleddy

    uncleddy Member

    I think my focus is on the fear, i dont know any other name for it, it has a grip of me tonight, its got me shaking in the dark, heart at 100mph, i so want to run away, but then i am afraid of doing even that. it sometimes seems as if my hand is being forced.
     
  4. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    are you having any meds or treatment for it at the moment? I mean it sounds like the anxiety? which is horrible, I am so sorry you feel like this
     
  5. uncleddy

    uncleddy Member

    no meds, i get paranoid with meds, three years i have been at this, its too much
     
  6. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    is there someone irl you can talk to, a doctor even have you spoken to them about it, I know meds are shit well I found them worse to be honest, but different things work for different people.
     
  7. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    You're not silly. Three years is too much. Try contacting Mind or Sane both have websites. Individual or group work to reduce anxiety could be a start. Know you'll flinch at idea of group but an advantage of a group is seeing that you're not the only one. Get all the support you can.
     
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