I still am in love with my ex boyfriend

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by ShoegazeDaydream, Jun 8, 2016.

  1. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    After I was abused and got cheated on I felt so much pain and I had a hard time trusting any guy. I basically had this thought inside my mind, Oh I can do whatever I want. I got hurt. I can talk to whoever I want too and I don't care. If they don't like it oh well. Well I ended up hurting someone........everything I did was awful. I hurt the one person who truly loved me the most. I talked to bunch of guys online and flirted with them and guys who even send me photo's of themselves. I never sent a photo of myself though, I was always scared because one of the guys who I dated at one time put me online when I was over at his house one day. Well he came acrossed it. :( and was hurt and cried so bad. I kept so many secrets and lied to him constantly. After we broke up I still continued to talk to people but I stopped flirting and told them to leave me alone because I was severely depressed. In the end I broke up with him because I was a mess and I needed to work on myself, I felt guilty for hurting him and I couldn't bare to look at him anymore. Anytime I did all I did was cry once I got home and beat myself up about it. He even stopped trusting me and than he got with someone who ended up cheating on him too. She met someone on World Of Warcraft and he wanted to marry her and have a kid with her. Once he told me this I feel horrible because I hurt him before she did. He got with her after me and we never talked again until recently. There was a time someone one to hurt him and I got my mother to drive past his house to make sure he was okay. At this time his gf and him broke up, the minute I saw him standing outside on the driveway, I instantly cried the minute I saw him and wanted to jump out of my car and hug him. Tell him how sorry I am for causing him pain. There was a time during my time on this forum where I continued to think of everything I did and wanted to kill myself. My boyfriend in Canada cared for me and said he loved me, I honestly did feel it as much and now I know why. The whole entire time I was still upset and in love with my ex boyfriend and realized this whole entire time my ex boyfriend was truly the only person who seriously loved me.

    Him and I got extremely close and we even kissed. Tomorrow I'm going to see him since I moved away and staying at his house. Last night he got upset because I brought up the past and I blame myself once again. I'm so tired of hurting him.....I made a rule that I won't mention his ex girlfriend, our past or anything negative. He's a very sensitive person and gets upset easily and he's suffering from depression. On the outside he says he's not sensitive, deep down inside he truly is. He just doesn't show it. He did admit that he cries when he's alone too and I do too. I'm just so tired of this sadness and drama. So I created a new Facebook because were bounding and I don't want anymore drama and pain. The more closer we get I feel as if we'll be together. I told him that all I want is him and he said, "I believe you. All I want is you too." He hasn't changed his Facebook status though and I don't know why I even checked. I honestly believe he's trying to take it slow with me right now and doesn't want to push it further until he honestly knows that I'm the real deal and that I have changed. So many people told me that creating a new Facebook is nuts but a lot of those people on my list are people I met online which hurt him and some of them just hit like and move along. They never pm me or talk to me at all. :( He was there for me when I got an kidney stone removed, he held my hand and I kissed him and he looked kinda hesitant. Once I got out he told me, I love all the kisses and you calling me sweetie and baby, I'm just honestly not a very clingy person to be honest but it doesn't mean I don't care. Once I heard the clingy part I got sad and he hugged me because I was in a lot of pain from the surgery. The hospital made him feel very uncomfortable and I could pick up on it, it kinda depressed me being in there too. Than once I got out, he hugged the minute he saw me and the hugs were very long. He knew I was moving away, I told him I respect his feelings and all I want to do is be happy with him and hang out with him until I move. Things are very confusing right now and I'm very very excited about seeing him again. I just want to concentrate on the now and try not to mention the past. All it does is hurt him and he told me as we were playing video games together, I didn't even tell my therapist half the stuff I told you. I'm still working on it and talking about the past hurts me so much. At the time I wasn't thinking....and I tend to just ramble on and on about stuff and it ends up leading into other things. Sometimes he even slows me down when I'm talking and says, "Okay I can't understand a word your saying. Breathe in. Breathe Out." A lot of my friends pick up on this too how I just ramble on and on and talk very very fast and I always end up blurting things out and I don't even mean to hurt anyone....it just comes out.....like an impulse. So now I'm trying my best to communicate better with him and think before I say anything. It even happens when I'm upset too, I just go on and on and on....and before you know it I'm so upset and my stomach gets upset. So I'm trying my best to communicate better. As far as things now everything is fine. I just miss him and love him and we've gotten so close together and I don't want to mess up again...... I feel so horrible........ I'm so thankful he's apart of my life again and I don't want to lose him. Know this is too much info but we were intimate a few times even and once he picked me up in his bedroom. I was reaching for my laptop bag to put my things in it and he just picked me up out of nowhere. Than he put me down so I could my things in the bag so he could drive me home. The minute he picked me up I blushed and I feel as if he loves me still, I just think he's scared of getting hurt once again. I don't blame him at all. Even thinking back and me talking to my ex boyfriend's hurt him and he's Catholic and he loves God. He never once tried to control me though. He just thinks differently and said, "You can talk to who you want but I'm sure you'd feel a little weird too if I still talked to one of my ex's. I won't control you though. It just hurts me to tell you the truth." He never once pointed the finger at me and made me feel bad. All he did was just state how he felt. After he said that I thought about how if I did continue to talk to my ex's if we did ended up back together again, I feel as if the drama will still be there. He has never tried to control me in any way-I'll just put that out there.

    *I was thinking of not posting this up but I seriously needed to get this out. It's been bothering me for days now.
  2. That's a lot to deal with Lost. I'm so sorry that you have this conflict going on inside of you. Sounds like you two have some things to discuss. I hope you are able to be open and honest with him while you figure things out. Praying that you guys come to a conclusion of what your future looks like together. God bless.