I'm writing here because I need someplace to vent. I'm so full of shame and unspeakable horror. I don't even know how to write this. I'm an older father. I had a very hard childhood...raised wealthy and then plunged into poverty. I worked like a dog to build a career, started a family, and vowed, vowed never to subject my darling kids to what happened to me. Everything seemed perfect. Life was grand. We were careful. But, I started drinking secretly, just could not help myself. I was sure that, by staying healthy, it would be no problem. Unfortunately I destroyed my liver...maybe I'm genetically susceptible. That caused me to get one leg amputated. Now I'm shut up in a small room in our house, my wife and kids can barely stand to look at me. I can't travel or even go to the store. My wife has no way to get a job that pays anything and we'll lose our house soon. My mother and sisters are old and sick and they were counting on me to be the family patriarch who handed their affairs. In a year or two, I'll die of liver failure, which is a horrific death and will scar my children for life. Plus they will be living in the streets because we'll run out of money for medical treatment. There is no hope at all for help or resolution. My diseases and disability make it impossible for anybody to do much for me other than watch helplessly while I die. Why am I writing on a suicide forum? Because I'm literally having my mind shredded by the fear and shame and guilt. My stupidity of getting myself sick, is now destroying the lives of my entire family. My children will be mentally scarred and impoverished by this. They won't be able to go to college. I would rather kill myself than to spend the next few years destroying them financially and emotionally, but my suicide would wipe them out even worse. Plus I don't want to die, I'm completely chicken and love love my life, I counted on 80 plus years. I am in living hell, ever second of my waking day. I wake up and start shaking with horror. I can't walk o r even leave the house so I'm stuck in this horror. Oh God, oh God. How can I forgive myself. How can I survive?