I stupidly let myself get sick, and it's taking my wife, children, mother, and sisters down too.

#1
I'm writing here because I need someplace to vent. I'm so full of shame and unspeakable horror. I don't even know how to write this.

I'm an older father. I had a very hard childhood...raised wealthy and then plunged into poverty. I worked like a dog to build a career, started a family, and vowed, vowed never to subject my darling kids to what happened to me.

Everything seemed perfect. Life was grand. We were careful.

But, I started drinking secretly, just could not help myself. I was sure that, by staying healthy, it would be no problem.

Unfortunately I destroyed my liver...maybe I'm genetically susceptible. That caused me to get one leg amputated.

Now I'm shut up in a small room in our house, my wife and kids can barely stand to look at me. I can't travel or even go to the store. My wife has no way to get a job that pays anything and we'll lose our house soon. My mother and sisters are old and sick and they were counting on me to be the family patriarch who handed their affairs.

In a year or two, I'll die of liver failure, which is a horrific death and will scar my children for life. Plus they will be living in the streets because we'll run out of money for medical treatment.

There is no hope at all for help or resolution. My diseases and disability make it impossible for anybody to do much for me other than watch helplessly while I die.

Why am I writing on a suicide forum? Because I'm literally having my mind shredded by the fear and shame and guilt. My stupidity of getting myself sick, is now destroying the lives of my entire family. My children will be mentally scarred and impoverished by this. They won't be able to go to college.

I would rather kill myself than to spend the next few years destroying them financially and emotionally, but my suicide would wipe them out even worse. Plus I don't want to die, I'm completely chicken and love love my life, I counted on 80 plus years.

I am in living hell, ever second of my waking day. I wake up and start shaking with horror. I can't walk o r even leave the house so I'm stuck in this horror.

Oh God, oh God. How can I forgive myself. How can I survive?
 

may71

Well-Known Member
#2
Sorry to hear this Jan

Alcoholism is a disease. Everyone makes some bad decisions in life, please don't be too hard on yourself.

You may have more options than you think (I'm not saying I know, but rather, maybe).

If you are in the US or Canada, you could try calling 211 or visiting www.211.org

They can help with healthcare and a bunch of other things.

I don't know if you would be able to go into nursing or hospice care.

No matter what, the people on this forum can stand by you to help you get through this
 

may71

Well-Known Member
#3
Even if you can't quit drinking, going to AA meetings might help give you some support. Folks there will also presumably have a pretty deep understanding about a range of issues related to alcoholism.

I recommend acupuncture and traditional Chinese herbal medicine often. Acupuncture has been endorsed by the World Heath Organization for treating a range of conditions. I'm not sure it would deliver better or cheaper results than your current treatment, but it might be worth investigating at least.
 
#4
Thank you May for responding.

Actually I've already stopped drinking. but my liver is already destroyed and the doctors say I have a couple years at most. Plus my leg was amputated so I can't walk or travel...stuck in one room.

I can't get acupuncture, the acupuncture people won't work with someone who has end stage liver disease.
 

may71

Well-Known Member
#5
Thank you May for responding.
You're welcome! :)

Actually I've already stopped drinking
No matter what, that's a great accomplishment

Plus my leg was amputated so I can't walk or travel...stuck in one room
You may want to either talk to your doctor about mobility issues, or maybe try calling 211 or visiting www.211.org

At least some places have special transport services for people with disabilities. There are people with no legs who can still get around in a wheel chair, so in principle, there might be a way for you to get some mobility. It may be that in your current living situation, you may have obstacles like stairs that are getting in the way.

I can't get acupuncture, the acupuncture people won't work with someone who has end stage liver disease
Did you speak to an acupuncturist and they gave you a formal opinion?
 

Petal

SF dreamer
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#6
Hi and welcome to the forums, I am glad you joined here and reached out for help and support. Can you afford therapy? I am really sorry you are enduring what you are, it can't be nice and I am sorry life is treating you so horrifically bad. I just hope you find peace in life and can get through this somehow. Wishing you the best and enjoy every moment with your children that you can :)
 

Walker

Everything Zen
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#7
Sorry to hear you're feeling so hopeless, Jan. People with one leg do leave the house, you know? Even older folks. Maybe you can look into how to make that happen. It sounds like you're super depressed and maybe that's more of an issue than the physical - the fact that you feel like your wife and kids are disgusted with you. Do you think that's coming from them, in fact, or do you think that's coming from you inside? Sometimes we put others thoughts and feelings on ourselves like it's theirs when it's not really. Has your wife said things often that make you feel that way? The kids? Not everyone can be against you. You're their dad - you're there family - you're the one that's been there for 80 years. Perhaps your negative view is making it seem worse than it is. (Or not.. I don't know, I'm not there. Just giving you another viewpoint because even if my father was an alcoholic dickhead I would still love him and put up with his shit)
 
#8
If you're looking for some inspiration, I would suggest looking up Josh Sundquist on YouTube. He only has one leg, but has gone on to do some pretty amazing things.
 

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