I want to die if I'm bi/gay

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by NickA8326, May 11, 2014.

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  1. NickA8326

    NickA8326 Active Member

    Hello, I am a young adult who is confused about my sexuality, and it is so mentally painful to me, that I have spent around 5 years being addicted to smoking so I don't have to deal with wanting to die because of it. I know that I'm not trans. Every single day of my life I can't figure out for sure what I am, and I truly feel that deep down there is more evidence that I am bisexual than anything, but I want to die if that's how I am. I feel that I will be inferior if I'm gay or bi because I can't have blood children the proper way and it's unnatural and wrong to me, it doesn't matter to me that my family accepts gay people, that's irrelevant to how I feel about it. The only good thing for me is that I was doing soft drugs almost all of my life, so that it may just be the drugs making me feel that I'm not strait, but even when I get off the drugs for a few months, it still feels confusing. Obviously if I were to get off of the drugs for a year or 2, that will be how I know what I am for sure, but I feel that I will kill myself if I am gay or bi after quitting the drugs and finding out who I really am. I don't want to die because I am inferior, does anyone know what I should do? Or what they would do if they were me? It's ok if you suggest that I end my life, as long as you be honest.
  2. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    Can I ask you why exactly do you think that it is bad if you are bisexual? I don't think there is anything wrong with being who you are.
    How old are you? It's pretty much normal to be somewhat confused about your sexual identity when you are younger and it doesn't necessary means that you are bisexual.
    I was thinking about my orientation a lot when i was teen, and now i'm pretty much 100% heterosexual. Even if you aren't, i don't see anything wrong with it.
  3. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Firstly - no one on this site - particularly in this thread - should suggest that it's ok to end your life. It is a pro-life peer to peer support forum - so we'd be more inclined to encourage you to stay alive and enjoy being different. (A brief description - pro-life? - aimed at encouraging others to live. Peer to peer? - people in similar boats with a multitude of different lives, but not necessarily medically skilled, hence a number of people recommending counselling or external support from medical professionals).

    I'd recommend trying to find yourself a counsellor - to discuss about this inferiority that you feel being bi/gay would be. Driven by societal laws - and the fear of people "bullying" others - makes it a tricky subject for people who want to be honest with themselves and those around them, when they are not "straight" or "heterosexual". But I'm pretty sure there is a better way forward than killing yourself because of being different. Can you imagine the anarchy if we all did that because we're all different in one way or another to our peers?

    As for the drugs - I'd suggest getting help for getting off of them. One of the biggest misconceptions around is that they are helpful. They are not. They only provide a mask to what is truthfully going on.

    If I was to be bluntly honest - what the hell is inferior, really? We're all different and unique in our own ways, sexuality is just one of them.
  4. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Nick, counseling is the first thing you should seek. Find a counselor who has worked with clients who have sexual identity concerns. But I would also ask you to think of all those who are gay or bi who have absolutely wonderful lives. They find a love to share their life with. They find meaningful jobs. They adopt children. (at least in the States). I am not gay, or bi, but have known many who are. They have had to struggle through the identity issues you are now dealing with, but have put that behind them and built wonderful, fulfilling lives. I hope you will try and do the same.
  5. NickA8326

    NickA8326 Active Member

    Thanks for the replies everyone =D, they're all very insightful and show me that there's a lot more people that think about this and deal with it decently than I thought. I know that being strait is heaven on earth to me, when I play as a strait person in a video game for a few hours, for the moment, I truly feel as though I am the character, and I would do anything in the world to feel this amazing perfect feeling all the time like most people get to feel =), the games are my only escape from being a lame LGBT person that I want to kill.

    I think it's wrong being bi/gay/trans because you're the same as a strait person except the strait person can raise and have proper blood children that they're able to pick their partner properly for their offspring to turn out genetically successful. As an LGBT person, I can't pick my partner out properly for offspring, and being bi, when I'm with a woman I will want to shoot myself in the head if I find a man attractive while I'm with her cause I perceive that as not the superior way to be sexually. I live in an area where there is a bullying culture that will never go away, its worse with adults here, they will drive by huge dirt shit puddles and splash water on everyone calling them all faggots screaming at the top of their lungs, I was stabbed with weapons for years as a toddler here just for being different. I'm used to this stuff and people thinking I'm inferior and telling it to me, in fact, I actually agree with them if I'm not strait for the above reasons that I listed that I personally agree with at the moment.

    I guess to me inferior is less than what something can be, not as good as this other thing. I'm ok with being different, just not a LGBT person, that type of different to me feels inferior. I refer to LGBT being inferior because they're the same as strait people except straits can pick partners for their offspring to have good genes, and LGBT is unnatural and wrong to me. I've had a counclers for the past 6 or so years, and all they do is tell me that it's ok to be LBGT and that it's ok whatever I am, that I should go out with my ex bf that I had for 3 years who wants me back, and then they whine and can't take the truth about how I feel and how I feel about life in general so they whine and say they can't help me and only medicine can, so I said too bad and left cause I'd rather die than take crappy meds that make me into an emotionless zombie (I've tried every type of meds from ssris, to all those crappy names that I forgot to list that I don't even really care to remember anymore because they're all useless coward tools that let you be a baby and run from life and yourself). I had a sister who was adopted, and she is a piece of shit who is useless, never adopt anyone cause they can turn out with a mental disorder that the orphanage lied to you about so they can get rid of the failed offspring.


    I am 21. The drugs that I did was I drank really bad soda instead of water for most of my life, then I switched to smoking Marijuana. I hate all drugs/substance/medicine now, it just makes my mind eaither focus on 1 thing only and makes me worse at everything, or it makes me want to kill people and myself. In the end, medicine/drugs is not good for me, they just make me not myself so I'll never want to be someone that I'm not, I love life and I want to love myself again and I will only give up if I'm an LGBT cause that is not who I will be.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 11, 2014
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Nick - if you do not want to be anything, you surely do not have to. The blessing of our humanity is that no-one can force our will to make us into something we would rather not be. If we feel we are headed along this path, it's actually an invitation and an opportunity to come to experience your authentic self, your Real Self, rather than an identity that some other things are influencing you to accept. Included in "some other things", believe it or not, are our own emotions.

    Emotions are a part of our humanity that we must learn to direct according to the outcome we wish to happen for our overall life. Rather than letting them dictate to us the way that we should go. There's that old adage: "letting his heart rule his head" - meaning that in matters to do with the heart, our rationality and will come off second best.

    Blessings and strength, PM me if you'd like to :)
  7. NickA8326

    NickA8326 Active Member

    Thanks for the reply =). I believe that I understand what you're saying, I have thought about living my life on purpose as not knowing what my sexuality is, but I feel that I'm still not my self that way and would rather die. I have thought about accepting my sexuality, but when I try, I feel that I'm like an inferior version of a female, and visualizing acting on bi/gay sexuality makes me physically sick in my stomach cause of how wrong I feel that it is. I have tried changing my sexuality since I was a child, and it has obviously done nothing.

    I decided that I'm going to quit smoking next week so I can be my self again, and discover what my sexuality truly is over time, and then decide what I want to do with my life when I know for certain what my sexuality is, because no matter what, I'd rather just know the truth and do what I feel is the legitimate and right thing to do with my life.

    I really need to stop being a coward and take the next steps with my life, even if they are awful, because no one chooses what they are born with, life is not fair.
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I am interested to know how you tried to change your sexuality since you were a child - was it by what you told yourself? imagined yourself as the other sex? tried to act yourself into it? There would be any number of reasons why "it has obviously done nothing".

    From what you write I would urge you to seek professional counselling over this important issue. Good on you for looking after your body regarding the smoking. Looking after ourselves in all respects is essential for a balanced and harmonious life - and when something really resonates with you as being true, cling on to it and allow it to bring you into freedom :)

    Life is not fair, granted. Very true. But that does not mean we need to bow to things related to this fact, that we would rather not bow to.
  9. NickA8326

    NickA8326 Active Member

    I've been trying to change my sexuality since I was 10 or 11, by imagining the things that you have listed, and having sex with relationship partners over the years of both sexes to test, confirm, and to try and change what I am. It's helpful to test, but I don't know how, or if it has effected my sexuality in regards to these things that I do changing it, but even if this doesn't change it, since I don't know what it is, I will continue to test in this way, in order to find out what it is in the future. But for now, I've decided that during (at least) the first few months of me sobering up from smoking, that I will temporarily stop the sexuality testing, since I feel that the smoking has to do with all, or some of the reason that I currently at this point in my life, can't figure out what my sexuality is.

    I've decided that after I'm completely sober, if I still don't know what my sexuality is, then I'll go to a sex therapist/counselor when I'm ready. I've gone to way too many standard counselors for the past 6 years, and they suck, it's time to try one that specializes in what I need help with if I still can't resolve the issue of it after then.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2014
  10. Forget2Trust

    Forget2Trust Active Member

    I've got news for you: it's probably the drugs. Especially if you're already thinking it's the drugs! That means you notice the change. I think drugs are the biggest influence on why people suddenly start watching gay porn or fooling around with the opposite sex. Hell, drugs are the reason HIV spread like it did.
  11. NickA8326

    NickA8326 Active Member

    Thank you so much for this reply =D! This gives me so much hope, I really believe that your right, especially since I didn't start going out with my ex until I started to smoke, cause before I smoked, I couldn't be happy and even be in a relationship in the first place, but now that I'm older, I'm happy sober and not on drugs, so now is the time to withdrawal and find out for sure what I really am.
  12. arturvma

    arturvma Active Member

    It is impossible to select good or bad genes without a hightech genetics lab, which is not accessible to the majority of the population and shouldn't be, otherwise, everybody would look alike. Diversity is a natural survival engine. There wouldn't be evolution and Darwin's teory without diversity. If every giraffe had the same neck size, they would all reach the same branches and eventually all die.

    Nevertheless, strong and healthy straight couples can give birth to unhealthy kids too. There are also plenty of straight couples that can not give birth at all, but none of them are inferior or second class people at all.
    Some people are born with handicap or some disabilitie, other develop it during their lifes, but nothing decreases their value in the world.
    I am gay myself, and I trully believe adoption is a possibility not just for homosexual couples, but for any couple. There are too many people in the world and too many forsaken children growing without any support.

    Sex (gay or straight) can be repulsive in some ways, indeed. But everything changes with love. Have sex with love and you will realize it is actually a very beautiful thing.
    Find someone that you trully love, regardless their gender. Do not try to label yourself as you do not need to follow any label. Be what you trully want to be, not what people expect you to be.

    I am sorry I can not empathize with your feelings, for I am gay and I would not change it even if I could. :(
  13. Forget2Trust

    Forget2Trust Active Member

    It's amazing what drugs and alcohol can do to our thinking.They're called mind-altering substances for a reason . It can make us attracted or turned on by things that have no effect on us otherwise (sober). People get confused sometimes, too. There's nothing like the effects of drugs and alcohol on our minds.
  14. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    You can find yourself by experiencing yourself by doing things you are interested in doing. Even when a person is in a relationship, they bring their self and the things they do into the relationship. This is the foundation of your life.

    I was in my 40s when I decided to not be in any relationship for at least a year so I could get a break from all the ups and downs of being involved with another human being. In doing so I started to find myself and that there is so much more to life than sex. Even if a person had sex every day that would only fill 1/24th of their life. Once I realized this, I started welcoming living life in the moment without drugs or sex to make me feel better. I started living in the things that I do and less in thoughts or in living for others.

    With that said, I know that it's harder for younger people because the hormones of the human being are designed for the survival of the human race. Despite all the wars, disasters etc, we exist because there are teenagers walking the face of the earth and their hormonal functioning drives them into pairing off together which results in having kids. I know that's a rude and crude description but that's the basics of the matter.

    It's hard to fit these desires and feelings into functioning in our complex world of today. So, I recommend finding yourself and remembering that happiness comes in living in the moment and doing things you like to do when you are not having to work, school, chores, homework etc. Even those can be enjoyable because of living in the moment and sharing them with people in general.

    I hope this helps. :hug:
  15. normaljoe

    normaljoe Well-Known Member

    Embrace who you are, somethings you do not control. I never "picked" to be straight. honestly i really don't think anyone does. being bisexual or gay is nothing feel bad about. you are an amazing person that brings unique experiences to this world and it would be a shame for you to deny or hate the person that you are. :hug2:
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