I want to Give Up...But Can I?

[NeverM1nd]

Short story shorter, I have a laundry list of mental and physical issues. Just had my gallbladder removed, not doing very well since that, and NOW I find out my kidney is likely on its way out to. I TRY to think positive, but years of being left to fend for myself (basically my whole childhood) has left me irrational and all but psycho when things go left.

I am reading that it's only a matter of time before this kidney goes. Yeah, you can live without your kidney but WHY is this MY life?! I was the only person under 50 at the urologist. People my age are building careers and having fun with friends. I just can't get over the bitterness enough to even act. I feel paralyzed in fear and doubt...and ANGER!

Can anyone relate or has anyone experienced any of these issues?! I am really looking everywhere to try and find something to comfort me. So far, I only feel worse.

 

[may71]

I'm not sure if I know the right thing to say, but I'll give it a try.

I think maybe the secret to dealing with the feelings of loss and bitterness is to give a little time to grieving the loss, but then focus on things to be grateful for.

That can be a difficult process sometimes. Rather than comparing yourself to others that may have more than you, it's better to be glad that you don't have even less.

Let's say, out of the billions of humans that have lived throughout history, you have one of the 1001 most horrible lives, and you are at exactly position 1001. While your life might be much worse than the billions of people in front of you, it's also vastly better than the 1000 other people, and each of the 1000 people behind you wishes they were you.

Therapy might help you. Also, learning a meditation practice might help you to be calmer and have a different perspective on things.

I don't know if my post is helped or not. I tried though.

 

[NeverM1nd]

I'm not sure if I know the right thing to say, but I'll give it a try.

I think maybe the secret to dealing with the feelings of loss and bitterness is to give a little time to grieving the loss, but then focus on things to be grateful for.

That can be a difficult process sometimes. Rather than comparing yourself to others that may have more than you, it's better to be glad that you don't have even less.

Let's say, out of the billions of humans that have lived throughout history, you have one of the 1001 most horrible lives, and you are at exactly position 1001. While your life might be much worse than the billions of people in front of you, it's also vastly better than the 1000 other people, and each of the 1000 people behind you wishes they were you.

Therapy might help you. Also, learning a meditation practice might help you to be calmer and have a different perspective on things.

I don't know if my post is helped or not. I tried though.

Thanks for your reply @may71. I'm actually in therapy. It does enough to keep me from boiling over, but I honestly think I may need something more extensive. And your advice makes perfect sense. I think the issue I have is that I'm super emotional, so people would rather not deal with me when I'm upset. I would calm down much quicker if my feelings were validated, but it's usually you're crazy, you're overreacting, other people have it worse, etc. And I never do that when people come to me with their issues, so it really doesn't sit well. I am searching for ways to manage my stress and anxiety. I have tried a little of everything in the past, and nothing has worked... I'm hoping that now that I have a little more motivation to stick to it, maybe something will pan out...

 

[Evangeline]

Hey NeverM1nd, I don't have the same physical problems as you have. But I do relate to a lot of things you're saying. If you want to talk a bit sometime, please don't hesitate to pm me either in chat or conversation. Maybe we can think of ways to help eacother. Also, what people thing of you 'overreacting' to things, everyone is different in how they react to certain things, others shouldn't judge that as much. I hope you have a nice day/evening, maybe I'll hear from you again sometime. ^^

Evangeline (Eve/Evan)

 

[NeverM1nd]

Hey NeverM1nd, I don't have the same physical problems as you have. But I do relate to a lot of things you're saying. If you want to talk a bit sometime, please don't hesitate to pm me either in chat or conversation. Maybe we can think of ways to help eacother. Also, what people thing of you 'overreacting' to things, everyone is different in how they react to certain things, others shouldn't judge that as much. I hope you have a nice day/evening, maybe I'll hear from you again sometime. ^^

Evangeline (Eve/Evan)

Thanks for your kind words, @Evangeline I think I will take you up on that! I have SO much going on, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to who actually gets it instead of just pretending to...

 

[JmpMster]

Short story shorter, I have a laundry list of mental and physical issues. Just had my gallbladder removed, not doing very well since that, and NOW I find out my kidney is likely on its way out to. I TRY to think positive, but years of being left to fend for myself (basically my whole childhood) has left me irrational and all but psycho when things go left.

I am reading that it's only a matter of time before this kidney goes. Yeah, you can live without your kidney but WHY is this MY life?! I was the only person under 50 at the urologist. People my age are building careers and having fun with friends. I just can't get over the bitterness enough to even act. I feel paralyzed in fear and doubt...and ANGER!

Can anyone relate or has anyone experienced any of these issues?! I am really looking everywhere to try and find something to comfort me. So far, I only feel worse.

I can relate- while gall bladder is intact , a myriad of problems described in another thread in this forum , one of which resulted in losing a kidney last spring. I will say while it was uncomfortable , that was all and has been no issues since - a vast improvement over when it was there and not functioning well because in being there it prevented the other from doing the work it shoudl be so having it taken out resulted in a substantial improvement in my quality of life.

It is easy to get down about medical issues- but sometimes it is also worth remembering the things we are upset about are actual medical advancements and treatments that make things better over all. Gall bladders, kidneys, appendix- all are really only an issue when broken- when they are removed so is the issue for the most part. I can't say it seemed fair to me either, but I was glad that it was at least a solution when comparing it it to other medical issues where they have had no solution at all...If it does become necessary to have it removed be glad they are solving the issues it is causing as opposed ot having to continue to deal with them and that losing the kidney is in fact a fix to the problem.

 

[brightlight]

Hi Neverm1nd
Have you noticed NYJ's tagline (I think that's what it's called)

What are YOU doing TODAY to make Tomorrow Better? If Nothing, then do not be disappointed when tomorrow is not better.....

There is so much truth in those words, this is why it's getting worse, yesterdays bitterness fear and anger are travelling along with you from day to day, if you are waiting for all your health issues to resolve before you stop being bitter, fearful and angry you could be waiting a while, and nothing will change. or you could try to separate your reasons for being bitter, fearful and angry from the actual feelings, because you personally cannot change your physical health issues, but with some effort and guidance, you could try and change the feelings that you are producing. Despite all that's going on with you do you ever have lighter moments, smiling, laughter, love or peace/calmness ?. As mentioned above meditation could help you change the feelings, have you tried it.
Love and Light
P

 

[NeverM1nd]

I can relate- while gall bladder is intact , a myriad of problems described in another thread in this forum , one of which resulted in losing a kidney last spring. I will say while it was uncomfortable , that was all and has been no issues since - a vast improvement over when it was there and not functioning well because in being there it prevented the other from doing the work it shoudl be so having it taken out resulted in a substantial improvement in my quality of life.

It is easy to get down about medical issues- but sometimes it is also worth remembering the things we are upset about are actual medical advancements and treatments that make things better over all. Gall bladders, kidneys, appendix- all are really only an issue when broken- when they are removed so is the issue for the most part. I can't say it seemed fair to me either, but I was glad that it was at least a solution when comparing it it to other medical issues where they have had no solution at all...If it does become necessary to have it removed be glad they are solving the issues it is causing as opposed ot having to continue to deal with them and that losing the kidney is in fact a fix to the problem.

Thanks @NYJmpMaster I have to mull those words over. You are VERY right. I just really have trouble seeing it that way. I guess that's something to work on...

 

[NeverM1nd]

Hi Neverm1nd
Have you noticed NYJ's tagline (I think that's what it's called)

What are YOU doing TODAY to make Tomorrow Better? If Nothing, then do not be disappointed when tomorrow is not better.....

There is so much truth in those words, this is why it's getting worse, yesterdays bitterness fear and anger are travelling along with you from day to day, if you are waiting for all your health issues to resolve before you stop being bitter, fearful and angry you could be waiting a while, and nothing will change. or you could try to separate your reasons for being bitter, fearful and angry from the actual feelings, because you personally cannot change your physical health issues, but with some effort and guidance, you could try and change the feelings that you are producing. Despite all that's going on with you do you ever have lighter moments, smiling, laughter, love or peace/calmness ?. As mentioned above meditation could help you change the feelings, have you tried it.
Love and Light
P

@brightlight Thanks for your response! I actually may have BPD. I actually laugh and joke all the time, even when I shouldn't. I learned to make light of everything to avoid appearing weak, so that's literally all I do. It helps for a while, but once I'm alone the demons come out to play... I always feel like the tragic clown. Always making others laugh, but I come home to loneliness, bitterness, anger, and regret. It's been this way for SO long bc I was ignored for most of my childhood... I don't even know where to begin on correcting it...

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I had my gallbladder taken out when I was 19, and I am not nearly as sick as I was before, but I still do have issues sometimes when I eat. I hope you will start to feel better soon. Sorry to hear you might need your kidney out, but I hope that you will be able to get a break from the physical issues soon.

 

[NeverM1nd]

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I had my gallbladder taken out when I was 19, and I am not nearly as sick as I was before, but I still do have issues sometimes when I eat. I hope you will start to feel better soon. Sorry to hear you might need your kidney out, but I hope that you will be able to get a break from the physical issues soon.

@Witty_Sarcasm Thank you much. It's been a really rough week. To top it all off, I got dumped last night. Yeah...I was dating a guy that seemed to think he could dictate when and how I reacted to things. I've never felt like such a mental patient. He attempted to force me to drive into a part of town I'm unfamiliar with and I have a driving phobia. Stuff like that just makes me feel like crap. It's like obviously I don't want to be nervous and anxious while I'm behind the wheel. Who would?! Yet I'm always treated like I can help it. It hurts sooooooo bad!

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

@Witty_Sarcasm Thank you much. It's been a really rough week. To top it all off, I got dumped last night. Yeah...I was dating a guy that seemed to think he could dictate when and how I reacted to things. I've never felt like such a mental patient. He attempted to force me to drive into a part of town I'm unfamiliar with and I have a driving phobia. Stuff like that just makes me feel like crap. It's like obviously I don't want to be nervous and anxious while I'm behind the wheel. Who would?! Yet I'm always treated like I can help it. It hurts sooooooo bad!

I'm really sorry to hear about the breakup, and that's not good that he tried to make you do things you did not want to do. You deserve someone who respects your feelings.

 

[NeverM1nd]

I'm really sorry to hear about the breakup, and that's not good that he tried to make you do things you did not want to do. You deserve someone who respects your feelings.

@Witty_Sarcasm I am starting to wonder if that's even possible. For some reason, I guess bc most see me as highly intelligent and willingly difficult, it's always that people think I can control my issues and I just use the labels as an excuse. I told him that driving was a trigger...he did not care. Just basically told me I was overreacting. I still tried to do it and starting freaking out. Instead of trying to calm me down, he yelled...which is a trigger in and of itself. I screeched. I was sooo triggered at that point I almost had to pull over when he got out. Not to mention, it was right at a busy intersection.

And all this from a guy who literally chased me and begged for this type of intimacy. I am starting to believe some ppl can't be in relationships. Ugh. Merry Christmas to me...

 

[brightlight]

@brightlight
It's been this way for SO long bc I was ignored for most of my childhood... I don't even know where to begin on correcting it...

You begin NOW a breath at a time, then another one and another.... . You can't change the past or control the future just try and make now a little more bearable. Here's a short meditation might give you a few pointers

https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/expanded-awareness-meditation.128200/

 

[NeverM1nd]

You begin NOW a breath at a time, then another one and another.... . You can't change the past or control the future just try and make now a little more bearable. Here's a short meditation might give you a few pointers

https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/expanded-awareness-meditation.128200/

@brightlight I truly appreciate that. I will give it a shot. I am trying so hard to get in the "Christmas spirit" but I'm sure I won't get anything I want anyhow and I have a living room full of presents I can't afford that I don't even feel like wrapping. I just want to go to sleep for a few days. I so wish... But *sigh* I will try...

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

@Witty_Sarcasm I am starting to wonder if that's even possible. For some reason, I guess bc most see me as highly intelligent and willingly difficult, it's always that people think I can control my issues and I just use the labels as an excuse. I told him that driving was a trigger...he did not care. Just basically told me I was overreacting. I still tried to do it and starting freaking out. Instead of trying to calm me down, he yelled...which is a trigger in and of itself. I screeched. I was sooo triggered at that point I almost had to pull over when he got out. Not to mention, it was right at a busy intersection.

And all this from a guy who literally chased me and begged for this type of intimacy. I am starting to believe some ppl can't be in relationships. Ugh. Merry Christmas to me...

I know that you don't do it willingly, and you need people in your life who will understand that. I don't drive because it makes me nervous as well. I know you are having a tough time but I am sending you warm wishes for the holidays.

 

[NeverM1nd]

I know that you don't do it willingly, and you need people in your life who will understand that. I don't drive because it makes me nervous as well. I know you are having a tough time but I am sending you warm wishes for the holidays.

@Witty_Sarcasm Much appreciated! I hope you have a very happy holiday as well!

 

[draws]

I just posted about physical decline in the rant thread. Should have come here first! Different circumstances, but the same rage. I don't WANT to accept it.

How are you doing these days?