I want your thoughs

[Caligula's Moon]

Hello everyone,
I would like to seek your opinions on a matter. I am planning to share messages, I sent to someone and would appreciate your thoughts on it. I hope this does not violate the forum's policies. The messages are mine, and the recipient is unidentifiable. Some of you, with whom I've had conversations, know that I am here due to a recent relationship breakup. The entire story is a bit complicated, but the bottom line is that I am finding it extremely difficult to cope. It has been over four months now, and it continues to significantly impact my day-to-day life.
A few days ago, I decided to send a message to him requesting a farewell meeting. Over these four months, I reached out to him twice. The first time was after two months, with a simple 'how are you' text, and a few days later, I sent an email apologizing for the message. I also informed him that I would be visiting our team in the office (we used to work together) and offered to let him know the exact date so he could decide whether he wanted to be there. He never responded to any of these messages.
I informed my manager about my planned visit to say hello to the entire team, more so that she would let know the whole team including him know and it wouldn't come as a surprise to him. When I arrived at the office, without me asking, half of the team in separate conversations told me he was on vacation. This was two months ago, and I am still struggling. So, I sent him a message asking for one last meeting.
Here is the message:
"I hope you are well. I understand that you've made your decision, and I won't try to change it. However, I'm finding it challenging to move on. Would you be open to meeting with me? My intention is to say goodbye. I recall our conversation back in September, but I wasn't aware that it was intended to be our last one. After this meeting, I do not plan to bother you anymore. If you choose not to meet, a simple empty text response would be fine. I just want to know you have received and read my message."

Again, he never responded. Up until that point, there were faint hopes in me that he might still have some feelings for me, and I did not want to do anything that would extinguish that possibility. However, after receiving no response, I decided to cross the Rubicon and send him this message:
I want to believe that you are keeping your distance because something is even more challenging for you than it is for me. I truly believed you would be able to send me an empty text. What I hoped for was to have this last conversation with you and the opportunity to say goodbye, but it seems that it is not going to happen. I need to find closure, even though I am most likely sending this message into an empty space. I understood what you said: the basis was damaged, and discussing certain topics with you in my situation was ridiculous.
For the first two months, I missed you so much. The thoughts constantly spun in my head, and they still do. I am aware that, to you, you explained everything, and there is nothing more to say. Yet, we are all in separate and completely different universes, and I had to answer many questions for myself. I replay certain events over and over in my head. I needed to answer all the questions I had for myself. There are two questions, however, that are haunting me. It would mean a lot to me if you could answer them. Please know that there is a whole mass of different factors why I wanted to ask these questions, and this has to do much more with me than with you. Maybe one day you could answer them for me.
The first one is, I wanted to ask whether that night back in August (the last one) when you 'asked' me to come back with you to your place, did you already make your decision? I remember you stopped me several times to make sure that it was what I wanted to do. I also remember how many times you repeated that you wouldn't commit to anything.

The second question is, the day I came to the office back in November, did you ask the team to tell me you were on holiday? People told me that you were on holiday without me even asking, and it seemed a bit weird. I just wanted to know if I made a fool of myself.

I doubt this might be the case, but if you have now or will have in the future any questions for me, I am more than willing to answer them.
I wanted to add something more, although now I am probably going too far even for myself. Back in September, when I said you made the right decision, I said it because I fantasized that you wanted to help/'force' me to find out what I really want or come to the conclusion that is necessary if things have any chance to happen.

You probably think now, 'fucking hell, can she not leave me alone?' but every coin has two sides. The reverse side of the kindness you value in people so much, in my case, comes with being quite sensitive and having a high tendency for overthinking. I am sure you will get something better next time.
I really regret it came up this way. I wish I handled it a bit better.
Good night.


What are your thoughts on this message, guys? Spoiler alert: he responded just as I was typing this message. He finally responded to me, and in some sense, I wish I had sent the message like that a long time ago; it would have saved me a lot of suffering. I've been listening to people, therapists, and ChatGPT on how to respect his boundaries, ensuring that the message is not emotionally charged, or intrusive, and doesn't come across as too difficult to deal with, and I was sending blunt messages like the first one or like email where I appologise for sending the first text.

He answered my questions, but his tone was quite patronizing. He suggested that it would be best for me not to overthink what he has done or said and advised that the only thing I can do is try my best to move forward. Despite having a lengthy conversation, silly hopes arose in me again, but I managed to convey to him that advice was not what I needed from him. I expressed gratitude to him several times for his answers and the conversation, though.

Dear admin, please forgive me if this is not appropriate topic I will understand if you need to delete the post.

 

[Windhover]

I'm so sorry this happened. It is a difficult time when one is in the midst of an ending.

Another thought that came up: what it is you want from this person is not clear ih the message.

and, this. Unfortunately, no matter what we need and want to do, sometimes a fish has been out of water too long to be put back into the sea.

 

[Caligula's Moon]

I really want him back, but I suppose getting a response after being ignored for two months is better than nothing. He basically ignored all my messages before this. He claimed that breaking up wasn't easy for him, but his actions didn't reflect that difficulty. I'm considering challenging his ego with a second message. I believe his response wasn't driven by empathy or kindness; rather, he felt guilty about leaving my long message unanswered.
We exchanged texts for two hours, and he repeatedly assured me that I would be okay, often saying things like 'life is hard,' acknowledging its challenges. Despite my numerous confessions about how much he meant to me, he simply acknowledged it without providing a substantial response. It seems he might be aware of the harm caused by his lack of response. Throughout our conversation, he assumed the role of a strong mentor, possibly feeling superior since he had moved on while I was still struggling. There was a lack of compassion in his words. I am still in love with him, but I am slowly realizing how selfish he can be.

 

[MisterBGone]

@Caligula's Moon - I am sorry you are feeling this way, and still hurting so painfully after this break-up / or your breakup w/this man~
Now, what I am wondering, are a number of things (but I'll try to keep it, "Light."). For the sake(s) of - not wanting to push too far, or to cause further distress, by being overly... well, I dunno? Too much: I guess! "Insensitive?" Maybe. . .
So what is/or are some examples, that you can or could give, for some of the reasons that would or might be acceptable to you, in terms of responses from him. That would legitimately satisfy your, not demands, but yearning & want, or need to know? And, are there any, I guess? Since you seem unhappy with what has been provided thus far, and that sounds (to me) like: a little bit of what has been, "unsaid." Or unspoken; in terms of from him, or on his end. He must have his reasons for this, you're right. And he may never give them up! So you're just going to probably have to accept that - but would you rather or prefer that he make something up, that isn't true, just to appease you?
Sorry this is so jagged & scatter-brained. . .
So, now the other thing I was thinking, is that 4 mo. which/or while, can seem a long time, an eternity really. Well, in fact is really all not that long of a period for grieving the loss of this deeply personal and intense relationship. So do you find that some more time, might help soften the blow of this destruction and damage you are now incurring, I guess, is what I'm saying (& maybe you can't really answer that as of now?)?
If you don't want to read more unvarnished thoughts: then just stop right here. : )
It sounds/seems to me that he has moved on. And that he is done with you. There is no emotional (strong, anyway) attachment left. For whatever reason. Maybe he was hurt. For a time, but that time has long since past or gone. The sooner you can accept this, and move or carry on your self; the better, ultimately. . . Yes, it is easy for me to say - from the outside - as I realize / that I am not the one hurting. Who has been damaged & scarred, et cetera/et cetera. But that also provides me an excellent opportunity to view things more objectively, and less inhibited by feelings, thoughts & emotions. All of which, at the height of their powers, can only serve to cloud your more logical and reasoned/or reasonable judgement, or judging (of the situation).
You're right, he is telling you by or with his, "actions" the 'non-replies,' or responses; all of these (things), that he does not want nor wish to have any further communication(s) with you. Hard as that is to say, realize, or confront & come to grips with. It is the reality of the situation. And how he views you, and it (both), now. In other words, he is already there. Over/done/finished. Etc. And the sooner you can meet, or even surpass him in or from this standpoint--the far "better off," you'll be, in my estimation! Now I do realize this is all easier said than done. As it took some time, and/or some effort, some pretty great & wonderful or extraordinary things had to have happened in order for you to fall in love with this man. And so then it only stands to reason, that it is also not going to just come to a stop. And be over with, like in a one-step, or concerted mechanism fashion. It'll be a process. But I'm glad you've done some research online w/therapy & some various strategies, as it sounds like you've thought about a lot of this, in great depth. And that can only enhance things going forward, I would think!
Maybe that's good for now? I may be back later, possibly, if I can think or feel I have anything more (that's constructive) to add. . . I hope you are well, as can be expected, and just know that, in spite of how you feel now. There are brighter/or sunnier days ahead. Not necessarily judging by the sky - or the weather, but however, there was life before this man, "No?" And so too, there will likely be life after(wards)! : )