I watched my mom die

[SCUK2009]

My last post on here was in February this year. I tend to come in and out of the forum when I'm struggling and use it to help me get through crises.

I was going through a bad time then. At the time I stopped posting, my mom was having tests for a lump in her breast. On March 7th she was diagnosed with breast cancer and passed away on June 29th at the age of 68.

I was at her bedside holding her hand and saw everything as they switched doff the support. I live at home and I was there for almost every minute of her battle. I slept on the floor on a mattress every night next to her bed to help her feel safer and so she was t on her own. Seeing her deteriorate so quickly and the suffering is devastating.

I am utterly heartbroken and it still hasn't really sunk in. Everything feels like it's out to get me. This has been the worst year of my life.

I miss my mom so much.

 

[MisterBGone]

I'm incredibly sorry to learn of your loss, @SCUK2009 - & how you, were already have a very bad year... which obviously, only turned to worse (with your Mother's passing). I'm sure it's all been a blur--the only thing I can say, looking at it from the outside in. Is that, she must have been so proud to have had someone like you who would be so loyal, and dedicated to her. To wait & to be by her side for all of those last & lasting moments on this planet. I mean, I can't imagine the level of dedication and committment, that-that must take, in what actions you have shown. You demonstrated to her, what a great Mom she truly was to you. And how much she not only represented to you, but how much she'd meant to you in your life. To have done that for her. It's just so very honorable, from my view. I know you are in pain. And that you are hurting. But you did a very good & great job in helping her in the end there. To make her the most comfortable that she could, as she was going through all of this. Such tragedy, and (still) so young! I think that, it was great that you were also able to be with her at the very end. As I've often heard of stories told where, the child is unable to make it there, before they go. As they are either tied up & not aware, or knowing of it being the time (even if or when, it is expected). Or they just can't, or couldn't make it. Say if they're traveling from some distance away, and the logistics or whatever else, simply don't, or won't, cooperate. So while it is probably very hard to see things in terms of silver linings. I do think, that with time, and in hindsight, you may be able to realize what an extraordinarily wonderful gesture, you've done to show her the proper respects while she was suffering so, and heading towards her end of life stage, or stages. I hope things eventually, begin to get a little bit better for you. Take care of yourself. I'm sure it's easy to forget, when so dedicated to someone else who is in such dire need as a time like this. So it may need reminding, and practice, or practicing, even - perhaps. For it is o.k., to do that (too)~ / Most of all, be easy on yourself. Even if, that is not easy to do (at a time like this)...

 

[seabird]

I’m glad you are here, still with us @SCUK2009. Your grief comes through your words and though I want to give some sort of help, I’m at a loss for words. I am so sorry this terrible disease took your mom. She was not alone, you took a part of her burden. I wish I could take some of yours. Sending love.

- s

 

[may71]

I'm sorry that you lost your mom. You showed tremendous love and devotion to her, I'm sure she appreciated that and that it helped her a lot. I hope that is something that can give you some comfort.

Sending hugs

 

[JDot]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be so hard right now, and these past months must have been painful. But I'm so glad you were by your mother's side. I'm sure it gave her great comfort in her hardest days to have you by her side. Remember SF is here for you whenever you need us.

 

[KM76710]

Sad to hear of the loss for you with your mom. I agree that you being a comfort was probably greatly appreciated and that you will always have a spot with us here.

 

[SCUK2009]

Thank you all for reading my post and taking the time to reply to me.

If anyone has had a similar experience please feel free to post.

I don't know who understands what it's like. I saw her the day before she died, in intensive care, and I think I'm subconsciously blocking parts out. I can see her face under the oxygen mask, she was trying so desperately hard to get her words out, I can see the strain and fight in her. The difference in appearance and the desperation shocked me and it still does.

I just can't believe it.

 

[seabird]

We're glad you can be here with us. Maybe SF's (our efforts here) are a small spot of stability and peace while you're grappling with the disbelief, and grief.

 

[may71]

If anyone has had a similar experience please feel free to post.

My experience is similar insofar as I saw my father die in the hospital. He had had a stroke, so he wasn't conscious, so it was a different experience. I also wasn't very close to him, so that part is different too.

The memories of the event came back to me often, especially soon after, but don't occur so often now.

Have you had any grief counseling, or do you feel like that might help?

 

[shadowrider]

Hey,

I'm truly sorry for your loss and watching her pass it's hard to understand the feelings you go through watching your mum pass.

I found my eldest brother dead October 2022 he died in his sleep he wasnt just my brother he was my best friend he was 47,

We were renting an apartment together so after he died I had to move into my dads till I find somewhere but on March 1st 2023 I cooked us dinner he went to the toilet and all I heard was groaning then a bang. I kicked open the door he was all curled up a pulled him out the toilet he was just staring at me making tiny noises not able to talk I literally saw his life leave his eyes. I was doing CPR for about 20mins I managed to bring him back. The doctors told me he had a cardiac arrest but he was basically brain dead cos there was not enough oxygen going to his brain there was nothing they can do. They turned off his life support I had to watch him die again he was 65 he literally just retired. My mum died on my birthday 2020 so both parents gone my eldest brother gone.

I got 3 other siblings but we dont talk or anything plus my other 2 siblings are disgusting people what they did after my brother died I can never forgive them plus what they did when dad died was even more disgusting. After dad died I ended up homeless on the streets for nearly 6 months obviously I didnt have to after 2 months but I chose to cos I wanted to be left alone so I was living in a tent in the woods for months. Nature is the only thing that i love.

I'm not used to telling my story in group chats so forgive me if I going on with myself.

 

[Brokendownwreck]

I'm so sorry this is my worst nightmare I don't think I'll be able to cope as my mum is everything....my heart aches for you so badly I can't find the words to comfort you because it would be completely hypocritical of me i just want to say im so sorry♥

 

[SCUK2009]

My experience is similar insofar as I saw my father die in the hospital. He had had a stroke, so he wasn't conscious, so it was a different experience. I also wasn't very close to him, so that part is different too.

The memories of the event came back to me often, especially soon after, but don't occur so often now.

Have you had any grief counseling, or do you feel like that might help?

I went to the doctor in the first week of August. I wanted to get the funeral out of the way first (July 25th).

I'm still waiting for counseling. I'm in the UK and it's on the NHS so it could take a while.

Hey,

I'm truly sorry for your loss and watching her pass it's hard to understand the feelings you go through watching your mum pass.

I found my eldest brother dead October 2022 he died in his sleep he wasnt just my brother he was my best friend he was 47,

We were renting an apartment together so after he died I had to move into my dads till I find somewhere but on March 1st 2023 I cooked us dinner he went to the toilet and all I heard was groaning then a bang. I kicked open the door he was all curled up a pulled him out the toilet he was just staring at me making tiny noises not able to talk I literally saw his life leave his eyes. I was doing CPR for about 20mins I managed to bring him back. The doctors told me he had a cardiac arrest but he was basically brain dead cos there was not enough oxygen going to his brain there was nothing they can do. They turned off his life support I had to watch him die again he was 65 he literally just retired. My mum died on my birthday 2020 so both parents gone my eldest brother gone.

I got 3 other siblings but we dont talk or anything plus my other 2 siblings are disgusting people what they did after my brother died I can never forgive them plus what they did when dad died was even more disgusting. After dad died I ended up homeless on the streets for nearly 6 months obviously I didnt have to after 2 months but I chose to cos I wanted to be left alone so I was living in a tent in the woods for months. Nature is the only thing that i love.

I'm not used to telling my story in group chats so forgive me if I going on with myself.

Nothing to forgive, I'm glad you posted. I have a similar thing with my sister. If you don't mind would you be comfortable talking about what your siblings did that has upset you? I'll never forget the way my sister has behaved during my mom's illness and in the months after it (and years before it to be honest).

 

[SCUK2009]

I'm so sorry this is my worst nightmare I don't think I'll be able to cope as my mum is everything....my heart aches for you so badly I can't find the words to comfort you because it would be completely hypocritical of me i just want to say im so sorry♥

It's the most intense, surreal moment of my life and of course I don't mean that in a good way. The moment I was told she wasn't going to pull through as I walked into her room in the ICU, I can't put into words how everything changed.

I'll never get over this. I carry on at the moment for my dad, he is my priority now. Once he's gone I genuinely don't think I will survive for long.

I don't understand how this has happened.

 

[alice202]

Dear SCUK2009
I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of a mother is profound, especially if you were close to her.

I lost my mom in 2018. She was 90, and had multiple illnesses. Towards the end she was confused and in pain. I took time off from work so I could be at her bedside all day for the last week. I think she knew I was there but there was no talking. I played some music for her that talked about taking the final passage. Sometimes I laid my head on her chest and just cried. I knew that death was coming but I didn't know exactly when. There was a hospice chaplain who was very helpful to me. On her last day he spoke to her and told her she could move on and that there was nothing to be afraid of. He told her she had raised 3 children and lived a good life and now she could go into the light. She moaned so I knew she heard him. She died later that day.

There were a couple of things that helped. I found a facebook group for women who lost their mothers. I don't use facebook any more, but at the time this was absolutely what I needed. Any time I wanted to just release all my emotions to people who understood, that's where I went. I knew I was not alone in this devastating loss.

The other thing was a day of remembrance for moms that was held at a church. There were 8 of us who had lost our moms. By that point my loss was 18 months out and it was the most recent. There was a woman who had lost her mom 20 years ago too. There were writing exercises and opportunities to talk about our moms. We all brought pictures and told stories. The two people who led the group were younger women (twenties) who both lost their moms to ovarian cancer at a young age. That day really helped me process my grief by talking about it.

I briefly talked to a therapist but I didn't find that helpful. However, when I lost my father many years ago I did find that it helped.

My neighbor lost her son to a drug overdose 2 years ago. She was inconsolable. She found a grief group that met every week for 8 weeks. Everyone's grief is different but the recovery process is similar. And everyone thinks they will never get over it. And its true. Some losses you never get over but you do integrate them into your life and the sadness becomes more bearable.

Take care of yourself. Find people and places where you can talk about your loss.

I wish you the very best.

Alice

 

[Brokendownwreck]

I completely understand what you are feeling. I've imagined when it happens so many times in fact it's plagued me since she's old and her health and feeling lost surreal and intense has always been how I imagine it. I wish I could give you comfort at this time. My mum is only person in world I trust and the thought of being separated terrifies me daily and you are going through it now! I can't even come to terms with her being old and ill health all my memories are of her strong and young I've had over ten years to come to terms with her being old and unwell and still it's not sunk in. I know it's a process that heals in time but I can't ever imagine getting over it either. My mum is irreplaceable I'd be utterly destroyed to be honest with you this is why my heart breaks for you so much. I know they live on for a fact as experienced it with my grandparents dying but it still doesn't make it any easier..like I'm trying to prepare myself but it's something that can't be prepared for yet it's inevitable. It's not something I think people can get over it's something I imagine people learn to live with until they are reunited when the time comes. I do believe we are only physically separated for a short time until we are reunited but it's so difficult coping for that short time. ♥

 

[shadowrider]

Nothing to forgive, I'm glad you posted. I have a similar thing with my sister. If you don't mind would you be comfortable talking about what your siblings did that has upset you? I'll never forget the way my sister has behaved during my mom's illness and in the months after it (and years before it to be honest).[/QUOTE]

Hey SCUK2009,

Iv never got on or spoken to my sisters in years but when my brother died my dad brought them to the apartment to help pack up all my and brothers stuff. My brother suffered from bipolar and other health issues and he had plans to move to Morecambe its where he felt happy (we all have that one happy place) anyway he bought a lot of stuff like expensive washing machine fridge microwave airfryer etc etc. So after ws took all the stuff to my dads they left but as I was going through my brothers stuff I noticed there was a lot of boxes missing mainly all the brand new stuff were missing but also cos there was no room at dads for the fridge and washing machine dad told them they can take it basically keep it without talking to me about it. So they stole all the brand new stuff plus other stuff I argued with dad about it all me and dad never got on ever.

Now when dad died I had nowhere to go literally nowhere I had all my stuff brothers stuff plus now dads stuff and nowhere to put it. Yet again my sisters and there boyfriends turned up with 2 Vans my sister told me that she will help me that she wont let me sleep on the streets dickhead here believed it. I wasnt doing good I had my mental health that was kicking my ass then still trying to deal with losing my brother then dad I wasnt in a good place so I was very very vulnerable. Anyway they took everything brothers dads and my stuff to theres I had 2 xbox ones playstation 5 xbox 360 2 laptops 2 60inch TVs a £600 lazy boy chair my brother had a 56inch TV xbox one laptop 2 Samsung phones which I never got the chance to go through all my clothes everything I owned. All i kept in my shoulder bag was all my important paperwork plus all my photos of my son etc. When it was the last day to leave all there was left was me and my shoulder bag i was waiting for them to pick me up i was messaging phoning no answer so it was almost 8pm I messaged and my sister messaged back in capital letters GO FUCK YOURSELF. So they stole literally everything lied to me I got another brother who they lied to aswell.

The most disgusting thing was when dad retired his work place gove him over 30 grand as thank you cos hes been working there since he was 25. Also he had a private pension he wasnt married so the government pension goes back to the government which is wrong but that's the law. My sister was dads next of kin so she dealt with all that the thing is she lied saying dad didnt have much in his account but what she didnt know is dad told me how much he got from work yet she lied her ass off. Soooo at the end my sisters stole everything including over 50k. I ended up on the streets with no money for food or water only had clothes that I was wearing my metal health was at it's worse I can not explain how it was cos it was terrifying plus my health was terrifyingly scary bad that I was days from dieing I only survived cos I collapsed in a busy street if I collapsed with no people around docs told me i would of died. I was on the street for over 5 months in the hottest heatwave we've had in decades...

Forgive me for writing so much but that's what my sisters did and I can never forgive them what they did was cruel and heartbreaking 😔

 

[shadowrider]

I am sorry for anyone who has witnessed there loved one pass and for everyone who has lost a loved one my heart goes out to you all my friends. They might of passed but we remember them from the beautiful memories with have and they live on within us ❤

 

[Butterfly]

I’ve never watched any of my loved ones pass away but I am a nurse and have held someone’s hand as they took their final breaths. I find it so sad but I cannot imagine how it would feel being one of my loved ones.

 

[may71]

I am a nurse and have held someone’s hand as they took their final breaths

I think that's really nice that you did that for them. Dying must be really terrifying for so many people, especially if they're alone. It's a simple act of kindness that I bet makes a huge difference.

 

[Butterfly]

I think that's really nice that you did that for them. Dying must be really terrifying for so many people, especially if they're alone. It's a simple act of kindness that I bet makes a huge difference.

For me end of life care is a privilege. If family isn’t there then we take turns sitting with them.