Ideas on therapy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by howardTX, Dec 6, 2006.

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  1. howardTX

    howardTX Active Member

    I have never done this and I have to say I have written this and deleted a number of times, so here it goes....

    I have thoughts of suicide occasionally and this is a time of year it is bad. I don't have them now but I am really down. I know there is much to live for but these sad, destructive thought overcome them. I want to get help but I am very afraid to ask or even know where to look. I want to avoid the overreaction that will happen if I tell anyone I am close to. ( I have visions of rubber rooms and 24 hour surveillance. ) How should I go about finding help and is there a particular type of therapist that would be good for this situation? I would like to keep this as secretive as possible from everyone. I look at the yellow pages and there are so many choices… there should be a section called,”Psychologists for people who want to blow their brains our sometime in the future.” That would make things real easy.
    I hope this is the right forum and I am not wasting anyone’s time with this.
    Thanks for any advice.
  2. claycad

    claycad Well-Known Member

    I finally attended therapy after having suicidal thoughts for years. But even after going to therapy, I was far to afraid to bring up that I was thinking about to killing myself. For the first two months of my therapy we talked about my social anxiety and issues with going to college, which while important wasn't why I was really going to therapy.

    Eventually my therapist asked the big question when she noticed my depression getting worse. "Do you think about suicide". Well, I hate lying, so instead of saying yes, "I said I'd rather not say". Well she knew that was as good as a yes. I didn't let on that they were that bad, and that I was fully in control of how I react when those thoughts appear. The biggest deal for me was she knew I had access to firearms as they are a hobby of mine. She suggested for me to leave them with a close friend or with my Universities Campus police department. She said she couldn't force me to do this, but she suggested it.

    When this first happened I was terrified that that night men all dressed in white with a straight jacket and oversized butterfly net was going to kick down my door and hall me off and cease my gun collection, but it wasn't a very big deal at all. My therapist said short of telling her that I feel I am in imminent danger of putting my thoughts into actions, that she really can't intervene. She simply made suggestions of numbers I can call if I feel I am not in control of how I will act on the thoughts.

    Even after she knew about my suicidal thoughts, she really wasn't aware of the severity. Finally I got the nerve to write her a letter telling her the whole truth about how often I think about the thoughts and how vivid they are. She didn't over react and it wasn't nearly as big of deal as I made it to be in my mind. It is quite a relief that it is out in the open now. Only my therapist and psychiatrist know, as I would never tell my family or close friends because of how they would react, but therapists or psychiatrists even most medical doctors are use to hearing about things like this. My therapists asks about how the thoughts are, and I am honest with her and always reassure her I am in control of acting on them.

    As for my therapy, I attend a university and can attend general counseling for free with a social worker/therapist. I go once a week for an hour long session. After months, my therapist really wanted me to try meds (although I am somewhat against) I agreed to try them, but she can not write prescriptions. So I made an appointment at a local mental health clinic which has a sliding scale fee which means you pay based on your income. Since I am such a poor college student, they see me for free. I went their to see a psychiatrist for medication evaluation about 6 weeks ago. She prescribed me effexor for depression and I go again for my 6 week evaluation this Friday.

    Depending on your financial situation, I'm sure you could find a mental health clinic with a sliding scale fee in your area. If you can afford too, I guess you could really go anywhere just look in the yellow pages on internet. I'm not sure how much a regular therapy session costs since I get it free though my university though. If you have insurence (I don't) you may be able to pay for it with that or maybe your job offers counseling to employees etc. At very least I would go to a medical doctor and tell them you are having symptoms of depression and that occasionally you have thoughts of suicide and see if they prescribe you something to help.

    As far as therapy helping, I'm not going to lie. The thoughts still feel as persistent as ever even with weekly therapy and medication. I will be perfectly honest I still believe I will eventually kill myself, although not anytime soon. I even let my therapist know this, but she seems to think as long as I continue my therapy and meds that this will change with time. However, my suicidal thoughts happen several times on a daily basis for nearly a decade now. From your writing, they are not as bad for you as they are for me, so perhaps getting therapy would be very helpful to you. I would look in the yellow pages and internet, and check with your job if possible about what they offer. Also check with insurance to see about paying or find a clinic with a sliding scale fee basis. At very least see a medical doctor. Hope you get help.
  3. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Doesn't it feel strange that you are seeking all this help but still are pretty sure you'll eventually commit suicide? I feel that way as well though so I can relate.
  4. yoyo_girl

    yoyo_girl Member

    sometimes the certainty of committing suicide is strangely comforting... it is something that you know is there when everything else seems so inconsistent.

    claycad i have to say... that is a really complete answer. wow.

    howard.. telling someone you have suicidal thoughts isn't the same as telling them you are going to committ suicide *right now.* Lots of people think about suicide, and even put a lot of time into that. Professionals know this, they understand the patterns and degrees of suicidal ideation and behaviours.

    you might find that telling someone about how you feel eases the pressure somewhat and you might even think about it less.

    DO you have a family doctor that you could ask for a referral? You don't have to discuss everything with the GP, just tell him/her that you are struggling with difficult thoughts and feelings. They should be able to help you select the right therapist.

    the thing which is most important is that you feel comforatble with the therapist. I have met some doozies over the years. One got up and went into the other room to get her supper...while I told her about being sexually assaulted. It has to be a relationship that will work for you in a way which makes you feel safe and secure.
  5. howardTX

    howardTX Active Member

    Thank you all so much for your input. I will follow pretty much all of it. I do have a family doctor and will see what he could give me for a referral. Only problem is that he knows my family pretty well. I know that he would not say anything but .. you know if you have trust issues. While I was reading some of the responses, I thought about calling one of the local "listen lines" as well to possibly get referrals as well as the ER I suppose. I think I could do these over the phone and anonymously from a pay phone or something. <man, I sound paranoid, huh?> I guess I am this way because I had a girlfriend that I told and she went to my parents. The kind of freaked our but I laughed it off and told them she was the one that was crazy and then broke up with her.
    Thanks again to all.
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