If it weren't for my sister, I don't think I would be here anymore. I keep desperately trying to find some kind of long-lasting goal or purpose and am only able to come up with temporary ones, which is not going to be good enough when the next round of spiraling down the suicide wormhole begins. FYI my older sister is in bad health and only has me and her boyfriend for support. Throughout the tough times in our lives, we have been there for each other. And I have appreciated that while also knowing it's not going to last forever.
Many people here often say they can't go towards suicide because of how it would negatively affect someone or something they love; A family member, pet, a friend, so I know that's a common thing and I get it completely. And my sister is about the only living thing I care about in this world who I would not want to negatively be affected by my passing, especially by suicide.
I've already done the reasoning in my head, and said, "Self, it's ok to go. You've lived a well spent life fighting the good fight. You didn't waste your time and you made a difference, no regrets. And a lot of time and people have passed, and it's ok for you to do go too. No guilt, none of this was your doing or choice anyway."
I found myself listening to some of the things I've been saying recently I wish I could do with my life (Helping others with suicidal thought and similar hardships I have gone through) and realized I was saying those same things ten years ago, and none of it ever happened, nor do I ever see it happening anywhere in sight. Instead, just the same old things repeating themselves in different forms, and new problems that now appear on the table I have to deal with. It's tiring and seemingly pointless. I just wish I had more, something, someone, but there isn't. Just what's left of a fading candle of a life.
Many people here often say they can't go towards suicide because of how it would negatively affect someone or something they love; A family member, pet, a friend, so I know that's a common thing and I get it completely. And my sister is about the only living thing I care about in this world who I would not want to negatively be affected by my passing, especially by suicide.
I've already done the reasoning in my head, and said, "Self, it's ok to go. You've lived a well spent life fighting the good fight. You didn't waste your time and you made a difference, no regrets. And a lot of time and people have passed, and it's ok for you to do go too. No guilt, none of this was your doing or choice anyway."
I found myself listening to some of the things I've been saying recently I wish I could do with my life (Helping others with suicidal thought and similar hardships I have gone through) and realized I was saying those same things ten years ago, and none of it ever happened, nor do I ever see it happening anywhere in sight. Instead, just the same old things repeating themselves in different forms, and new problems that now appear on the table I have to deal with. It's tiring and seemingly pointless. I just wish I had more, something, someone, but there isn't. Just what's left of a fading candle of a life.
