I'm a bad selfish person

[Im_so_over_this]

Hey, I'm new here.
Don't think I knew this existed last time I felt like this.

My sister took her own life nearly 6 years ago. I struggled with mental health issues way before that, so when that happened, I totally fell apart.

I've been to an awful lot of therapy to try to process it all. And I've been doing ok, but recently just been feeling overwhelmed and started therapy again.

One thing that came up (again) is that I think I'm a bad person. That I'm not good enough. That I'm not worthy of love.
And everything that shakes me up in life basically just stems from the fear of being judged as a bad person. From the fear of being proved that Im not good enough.

My question is how do you change that? How do you convince yourself that you aren't a bad person? That you are good enough?

How is that possible when i couldn't save my sisters life? How is it possible to entertain the notion that I'm a good person, when I'm having thoughts that will essentially destroy my kids lives?

How am I anything but a bad selfish person?


How do I convince myself otherwise?

 

[Im_so_over_this]

P.s. I'm not a bad person, I help other people more than I help myself. Serial people pleaser really , but I really am struggling to feel anything positive at the moment. How do I stop those feelings?

 

[MisterBGone]

Is there not, on some level, don't you think @Im_so_over_this - just a little bit of catastrophizing going on here, with some of this thinking? I'm just asking, and not telling... so please know--I mean no offense. I'm truly sorry to hear of your Sister. And I do think you're taking it a little to far, with how hard and unrealistic, as well as unreasonable you are, with saying that because you were unable to prevent her death, that that automatically qualifies & means, that you are a bad person, too. You may feel like one, but that doesn't mean it is such. Also just curious about, what kind of thoughts, exactly (or in general), you're having that will, in essence "destroy your kids lives?" Sometimes, being a 'serial people pleaser,' can be counterproductive, in that, you spend all your time & energy focused on others, and their happiness, with respect to the level of your efforts to make or give them some type of satisfaction, which then will therefore, perhaps serve as some means or purpose of validation. When you could really use some if not much more, of that energy on yourself. It takes some time to change your mind on how you perceive yourself. You can't be changed, your mind that is, just because someone counters you, and your ever pervasive thoughts, by saying otherwise, or that it is wrong, or that this is right (opposite of what you're viewing). Self-perception, and negative self esteem, etc. All of these thing can be helped by therapy. But it's going to take some time. And, I'm not sure how much you've spent thus far. But think of it like this. How much (as in how bad) damage, for lack of a better word, and for how long has it been going on. And then juxtapose that, with how much work it's going to take, from the other end, with the guidance of a counselor, and whatnot, in order to reverse, stop, and then begin to channel it forward and into a new direction for you. Needless to say, this isn't something that is expected to happen overnight, or with very little time and/or effort (on your behalf). So, in short, just because you think it, you feel it, and you believe it. That doesn't mean it is true.

 

[MisterBGone]

And I'm sorry, did you say you were seeing psychiatry, for help with this, such as the "fear," you speak of - that is so inhibiting things in your life right now? Maybe some meds might help? Won't know until you try, though. Provided you're open to that, of course. Good luck @Im_so_over_this !

 

[Atreides]

Welcome to SF. I may not know you personally, but I believe you're a good person. This is because, if you were a bad person, you wouldn't be here right now. You wouldn't care if people thought you were good or bad. I know it sounds paradoxical, but the fact that you are worried there's an inkling of a possibility that you're bad is a sign you are good. About your sister, you didn't know she was going to do what she did. My sister took her life about the same time as yours. My mother has struggled with feelings that she should have been able to save her. But like you, she didn't know it wasn't going to happen. Do you blame my mother for that? Of course not because it wouldn't make sense to judge her for something out of her control. And I'm sure people don't blame you for something out of your control. Just know SF is here for you. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. You'll be in my thoughts.

 

[Im_so_over_this]

Thank you misterB.
I almost did take offense, but I didn't. I think I just wanted some reassurance that just because it feels that way doesn't make it true.

I am having suicidal thoughts, hence destroying my kids lives .

If only I knew how to stop people pleasing so much. To stop craving / seeking approval / validation from others.

I would love to be able to validate myself. And yes your are right, if only I spent more time on me than others.

As for therapy I've had 5 therapists in the past 15 years. I've just started back up with the last therapist, so at least she knows my backstory and we can "get right to it".

I just want this feeling to pass. Thanks for shaking me up a bit with your direct post! Think I needed that.

 

[Im_so_over_this]

Welcome to SF. I may not know you personally, but I believe you're a good person. This is because, if you were a bad person, you wouldn't be here right now. You wouldn't care if people thought you were good or bad. I know it sounds paradoxical, but the fact that you are worried there's an inkling of a possibility that you're bad is a sign you are good. About your sister, you didn't know she was going to do what she did. My sister took her life about the same time as yours. My mother has struggled with feelings that she should have been able to save her. But like you, she didn't know it wasn't going to happen. Do you blame my mother for that? Of course not because it wouldn't make sense to judge her for something out of her control. And I'm sure people don't blame you for something out of your control. Just know SF is here for you. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. You'll be in my thoughts.

Thank you JDot! I'm really sorry to hear that you too lost your sister!

Your words about blaming your mom really hit home! Of course she's not to blame.
I feel like I judge myself by harsher measures than I would anyone else for done reason. I don't know why.

Thanks also for your good person, bad person reasoning, I'll keep that gem! Thank you for helping me to see some light. Appreciate it

 

[may71]

My sister took her own life nearly 6 years ago. I struggled with mental health issues way before that, so when that happened, I totally fell apart.

That's horrible, I'm sorry.

How is that possible when i couldn't save my sisters life?

You can't really save anyone's life. The best you can do is give someone some support that helps them save themselves. Even when you do the best you can to help someone, they may still kill themselves. That's something that most people who've been on SF for a while have to deal with.

Feeling like you could have or should have saved her is just a part of the process of grieving that people typically go through. Please be gentle with yourself.

As for therapy I've had 5 therapists in the past 15 years.

How do you feel about therapy? Do you feel like you've made good progress, or do you feel dissatisfied but don't know what else to do?

 

[Ziggy]

I've lost several people close to me to suicide to the extent where I just didn't want to form any sort of relationship with other people. There are so many thoughts that go through my head thinking about this, but the main thing I cling to is "Did I make their life better or not?". And if you did then you should never consider yourself to be a bad person. (And also I never realised how much I made their lives better until I realised how much better they made my life, little things you think don't matter, do)

 

[MisterBGone]

Thank you misterB.
I almost did take offense, but I didn't. I think I just wanted some reassurance that just because it feels that way doesn't make it true.

I am having suicidal thoughts, hence destroying my kids lives .

If only I knew how to stop people pleasing so much. To stop craving / seeking approval / validation from others.

I would love to be able to validate myself. And yes your are right, if only I spent more time on me than others.

As for therapy I've had 5 therapists in the past 15 years. I've just started back up with the last therapist, so at least she knows my backstory and we can "get right to it".

I just want this feeling to pass. Thanks for shaking me up a bit with your direct post! Think I needed that.

Hello, again, and I apologize for having offended you, however slight, for even if that was not my intent, just saying so & meaning so - does not make it so (such that you won't still feel it on your own). I should refrain from speaking to others when I am in this way, which would have to travel back to at least a dozen or so years, from before, in order for me to rid myself of these feelings entirely (& those being - well, never mind, they're not depression oriented or related, & I no longer have any control or say over any of them - so, in length - this seems to happen to nearly everybody I speak w/these days, and so you are far from unique in that matter; taking offense, to something I've said, with the only intent being, to help & instead it has the reverese, or o'ppostie?effetc"
so anyway, I think I used a por chioce of words with catastrophize, so here is more of what i meant, what word would hav been getter? I stil don' knwo:
yove asid you haed problems such as this, mentally & suicidality in the past, even before your sister, right? so if or had the shoe been on the otehr foot
then, would you expect her - your sister - to now be sitting in your shoes, where you are, and feeling this same leve of responsiblity, adn acountalibituy, adn rewsponsiblity for your Death? If the answer is yes, then I probably have no shot, at convincing you of anything otehrwise,
the peoepl pleasing is likely a learned behavior - so it will take some unconditioning, if that is the correct phrase, some unlearning or untrainig like the reveerasal of a habit, in order to corrcte ,but it can be done - if you so desier & you want it enought (to put for th ehe effort
ok i understand on the thereapsits sometie s they stink & one wojnders how they got their degrees and through shcholsing
i undersatnd its a roudgh gig, but u've dsinged up gofr it, so if it s not for yuu, then do us all a favor, yourselevs incluedeed
go find somethhg else
(for) lives are ast stake here. . .
Got it, on the stakes w/kids; meds might help, they might not. If you've tried before. How hard did you try? In other words, did you deviate much from taking them as prescribed? That might help you formulate a decision going forward. However, when it's life or death, short of coming up med resistant,
I might seriously have to (re) consider it
unless i just didnt' give a sh-t.
sorry for the por txt
it is a relection of what i s currenty going on in my a;lgjiaerj;gj;lr.jekg