I'm beyond help

[verdanta]

I'm so tired of hanging on for the sake of hanging on. I have no happiness. I'm only living for the wishes of others and not for myself. I'm always going to be self-critical and have self-doubt. No amount of love from anyone is going to help me if I resign not to love myself. To the people who say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, I say to you coping is a temporary band-aid for a permanent problem with no solution.

I am beyond help. As an INTJ personality, I am a rare breed of person, just 2-3% of the population. I am not receptive to hugs. Simple affection does not help me. My brain is hardwired for self-destruction and so suicide seems to be the clear and just path to achieving my destiny, which is to not exist. Existence, love, and hanging on are overrated. I've called the hotline 2 times, and both were unhelpful. I'm DONE.

 

[Vic123]

Hi verdenata
I feel your pain
You're not alone
Maybe that means there s some connection still to this world
That all is not lost
I don't know how far I am from you
But your words resonate with me
You've reached me in some way
Perhaps you can reach others too
And this life has more to offer
I feel your pain
Maybe we are meant. For more
Who knows
Just reaching out to you
I understand

 

[momonthego]

You are not beyond help. You did a great job listing all the bad things associated with your personality but what are the good things? There is a saying, “life is what you make of it.” If you’ve been coping for a long period of time rather than addressing the root of any problems you have, than you are right, it will only be a band-aid rather than provide you with the true healing you are looking for. You’ve reached out for help twice which shows that you want help but you haven’t received the right kind of help yet. I am hopeful brighter days are ahead for you even if all you see right now is darkness and gloom. You are worth investing in yourself.

 

[Claire_from_Canada]

Um, I am an INTJ also. Or at least that's how my type used to come out. Recently, it's started to lean more toward INTP. I guess my point is that your type can change over time. I think it's unlikely that a particular personality type is hard wired to be self destructive. There are lots of people that are self destructive, across all of the types.

I also think that there are successful INTJ's out there. Check out this link for a few examples : https://www.truity.com/personality-type/INTJ

Here is a list of what they do say is characteristic of the INTJ :

Facts About INTJ
Interesting facts about the INTJ:

• On personality trait measures, score as Discreet, Industrious, Logical, Deliberate, Self-Confident, and Methodical
• Among types least likely to suffer heart disease and cardiac problems
• Least likely of all the types to believe in a higher spiritual power
• One of two types with highest college GPA
• Among types with highest income
• Personal values include Achievement
• Of all types, least likely to state that they value Home/family, Financial security, Relationships & friendships, and Community service
• Overrepresented among MBA students and female small business owners
• Commonly found in scientific or technical fields, computer occupations, and legal professions

Source: MBTI Manual

So you don't feel all warm and fuzzy when people want to hug you. Big deal. If everyone was that kind of person, we wouldn't value the differences between us. We would just all be the same. I for one think that it's those differences that help us be most able to contribute to the world.

I've called the hotline 2 times, and both were unhelpful. I'm DONE.

Not to poke the bear on this point, but two times and you're done? When was the last time you were able to master anything in less than two tries?? Did you learn to ride your bike in under two tries? Or how about driving a car? Tying your shoes? Were you awesome at sex the first time? You can see where I am going here, right? If you don't feel a connection with the helpline people, you're not alone there. But don't throw in the towel because of that. Try talking to someone else, and then someone else, and then someone else, until you do.

 

[verdanta]

Not to poke the bear on this point, but two times and you're done? When was the last time you were able to master anything in less than two tries?? Did you learn to ride your bike in under two tries? Or how about driving a car? Tying your shoes? Were you awesome at sex the first time? You can see where I am going here, right? If you don't feel a connection with the helpline people, you're not alone there. But don't throw in the towel because of that. Try talking to someone else, and then someone else, and then someone else, until you do.

Aside from your response being more curt than helpful, admittedly I had higher expectations of a suicide hotline than one should have--that they would be able to solve my problems. Now I realize that no one can actually relate with me completely as a hard-case existentially depressed person, as the nature of what brings me down is probably unique. I ask a lot of "why" questions, and I'm not okay with not having answers, assuming of course the answers even exist. I accept being naive, unable to be reassured by the statement "That's life." Exactly. If "That's life" then I want no part of it.

For the record, I'm still terrible at driving. I'm on my third and final attempt at getting my license (third permit), and procrastinating for so long. I'm probably still terrible at sex--it's not like I only did it once or anything. I understand the point of your examples, though--they just hit some of my sore points is all.

 

[Claire_from_Canada]

I'm not really sure why you would expect people on a crisis line to be able to solve your problems? I mean, in the short time that you talk to them, they don't know you, they don't know much about your life. They get a tiny glimpse into your perspective on the most overwhelming thing you can tell them about in the time that you have.

If you're having some kind of existential crisis, and you're looking for answers, why not post something along those lines and spark a discussion instead? Maybe you won't find any answers, but you might find a way to help yourself narrow down the options, gain some perspective, or even cope with the lack of answers. What do you have to lose?

 

[SinisterKid]

I've called the hotline 2 times, and both were unhelpful. I'm DONE.

You are not DONE as you are still here and still posting. That tells me, and others here, that you do want a alternative solution to suicide. Just about every single person I have come into contact with here is the same. Its the pain we want to end, not our lives, but sometimes we see suicide as the only way to end the pain, when its obvious to us all, in moments of lucidity, that simply is not true.

The nature of what brings you down is probably not unique, but it will feel that way sometimes because you have not yet found someone who you can relate to fully. But a lot of what is wrong with you is similar or the same as most of us here. You have a mental illness that is not terminal.

We just want to help and support you and you are here because even though I don't expect you to admit it right now, you want help and support, that's what brings people here. If it were mere curiosity, you would not still be posting almost a month after joining.