I'm bipolar. What? How can this be?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by ShoegazeDaydream, Jun 30, 2016.

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  1. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    My parents always knew something was wrong with me, I have a bad time whenever I drink soda. Anytime I drink soda, I get very hyper, excited, I talk very very fast, I start giggling and then I crash and get very depressed. My mother just thought it was the caffeine, the minute I crash though I start sobbing, thinking of sad depressing things, thinking of death, I start thinking pessimistic and I even start hating everything, literally everything around me. My niece is here and once I was out on the back patio and she wanted to play and I told her I needed time to relax for a little bit. When she didn't go away, I started sobbing really hard.

    Thankfully I got my medication and after I took it I noticed a big change in me and she even looked at me oddly right after I took it. I feel like I'm crazy, like I'm a freak of nature. One of my ex boyfriend's in the past once said, "Heh yeah no wonder why you're alone." I feel like nobody can deal with my moods. It's like I love you come here and I'm kissing you and then the minute I get depressed, "Leave me alone. I just want to be alone!" Up and then your down, it's like an emotional roller coaster.

    There's times I say very inappropriate things, they just came out of my mouth. I'm a very honest person by nature and I said it like it is and this doesn't help matters much at all. I never mean the mean things I say at all. I'm a very loving and caring person by nature. All I want is nothing but the best for people. Once I looked at one of my friends and brought up their ex girlfriend to them, I just blurted it out of nowhere, like an impulse. They looked hurt and upset and I immediately felt horrible that I hurt their feelings. They even said to me, "Sometimes I feel like you like when I'm in pain. Like you want me in pain...." This isn't true at all. Why would I want to hurt someone's feelings?? I blurt things out all the time without thinking, I sometimes even laugh in the middle of nowhere and people look at me like, "Okay........" I stay up late or I sleep fine. I want to stay in my room all day or I'm active. I can work and other times I just don't feel like going and just want to sleep. I have desire for sex and have a high sex drive, but I don't go out and sleep with people. There was a time where I went out and spent a lot of money and charged a lot of money on my card, that my parents had to take my bank card away from me. Now I'm a lot better with spending money. Sometimes it's very hard for me to concentrate on things and there's times where I feel angry, and when I do I end up crying and apologizing to them. Thankfully I'm learning to maintain my anger now. The only thing that's difficult for me to manage right now is the mood swings and the deep dark depression that I get and those dark thoughts that scare me. I hate how pessimistic I get when I'm depressed, I absolutely hate it. The minute I get into an argument with someone, it triggers my mood swings.

    Besides all of this I also found out I have a a problem with depending on people way too much. I have a dependent personality disorder to boot and my therapist is working this out with me. I believe I got this from being abandoned when I was a small child. Anytime someone extremely close to me abandons me, I get extremely depressed.
  2. Tenshi-Hyuuga

    Tenshi-Hyuuga New Member


    I know how you feel about the whole Diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. I was very much the same exact away since I was a young child. I was also diagnosed at the age of 9. The stigma that you've described with those that you thought were once close to you was always tossed into my face since my first hospital visit. It tends to cause a lot of correlating disorders to be placed on top of all we go through. In many cases they ask us in therapy to find a creative/enjoyable means to express what is bothering us; for me it luckily was a natural talent to draw prior to diagnosis. So every therapist assigned to me knew to encourage me to always pick up my pencil and sketch book in my darkest moments. But, I believe with any hobby we take up; there are just times another hobby feels more appropriate than the one that is most helpful. It's always good to have a "toolbox" of things that when one is not stimulating enough for us to help click us out of one cycle, we have a backup.

    I also at a later age found "facets" of many other disorders that are pretty dominant in many of my family members, it brought clarity as to why I didn't feel like the cookie cutter mold of the typical bipolar disorder 1 diagnosis. (Asperger's, Psychotic Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder would be the ones that after the age of 19 was able to be found within everything) The one that I've most been mentioned was the biggest problem with the Bipolar would be Panic disorder. I'd never past a certain age felt such an intense fear that I felt as my body couldn't breathe. And it always triggered a rapid cycling episode, which always sucked!

    But, take notice and keep hope up sometimes it just takes someone that knows what you're feeling and live with (even if its in part since every brain is different) to keep going. It's just a means of making sure you stay on track with treatment and keep your life goals first and foremost so that even in your darkest times someone in your immediate support system can remind you; "Why do I live?"

    If you have any sort of faith-system (e.g. religion) stick close to it, because I've always seen that in my darkest moments; my personal beliefs and my God reminds me my purpose on this planet. And sometimes it takes what you believe in to find what will make you happiest in your darkest hours.

    Side Note: I love your avatar! Anime ftw! :3
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
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