I'm done.

[IDeservetoDie]

I'm going to kill myself. I have a date set and a plan ready.

I really tried to better myself, jumped through all the hoops people told me to in order to finally be happy, but nothing ever worked.

I can't concentrate in class, I have NO motivation left, my family thinks I am a failure. I only cause pain and trouble for other people. I thought I had good, dependable friends I could trust. One by one though they all stuck a knife in my back.

My entire life I have been told I am weird, stupid and worthless. I don't seem to be able to understand what is and isn't acceptable, and I don't think I ever will. I used to think everyone else was the problem, but turns out they were right. I AM worthless. My life will never be meaningful and nobody will ever learn anything from it. When I am dead I can only hope somebody cares enough to at least bury me, but that'd be a long shot now.

I don't want to solve my problems by taking pills. I have seen too many good people made into medication zombies just to escape the pain. I keep trying to battle my demons on my own but time and time again it only proves how utterly weak and stupid I am. I tried therapy but the assholes told me to just go work out and just sat there listening to me whine. They had no problem taking my money though.

I turned to drugs and alcohol, and for a while they worked, but I realized I was only doing the exact thing I was trying to avoid with pills. Turns out on top of everything else, I had become a hypocrite. I can't escape or confront the pain anymore. I walk around in a constant state of self-loathing. I ruin everything.

I don't even know why I'm posting here- probably so I can tell an invisible audience, rather than having to burden the few people who still talk to me with my problems. I just wanted to get it all off my chest somehow. Thanks for reading and good luck with whatever issues originally brought you to this site.

 

[Descendant]

Hey there, just wanted to let you know that I read your post and it seems like your life holds a lot of similarity to mine so I know for the most part what you're going through.

 

[Keen2evolve]

I hear you. I feel suicidal too. I'm too scared to do it though and I fear if I do do it I'll become disabled and botch up the suicide. I wish I knew you so we could talk about these things. I go to bed at 500 sometimes 400 bc I'm so depressed n anxious n lonely. It's Sunday night. It's 530. I'm in bed with the cats wanting to sleep n never wake up.

 

[IDeservetoDie]

In a weird way, I'm kind of glad I'm not alone in this. But I'm also really sad you guys are experiencing similar situations and feelings. Feel free to message me while I'm still here.

 

[Descendant]

I hear you. I feel suicidal too. I'm too scared to do it though and I fear if I do do it I'll become disabled and botch up the suicide. I wish I knew you so we could talk about these things. I go to bed at 500 sometimes 400 bc I'm so depressed n anxious n lonely. It's Sunday night. It's 530. I'm in bed with the cats wanting to sleep n never wake up.

Hey Keen. I think the fear of what comes next (or lack thereof) or surviving and being unable to finish the job due to permanent physical or brain damage is what keeps a lot of people from attempting suicide. I know for me it's a mix of both and the fear of what happens to my dog if I'm gone. Either we overcome those fears or find something worth living for, like your cats and my dog. I think animals are a much more powerful anchor to life than other people are. I know I would have no problem leaving everyone I know behind, but I just can't do it to my animal.

 

[sadguy33]

Please don't do this you replied to one of my things earlier and it seems like you are a great person the world needs people like you.

 

[porcelain_doll]

please stay strong and stay alive, you've come this far. I know exactly how you feel, so it feels hypocritical of me to try to lecture you about life, and how things might change, but it's true. things might get better. Good people might come into your life, you might wake up another day feeling clearer and ready to face things in new ways. From the way you spoke to me in my thread, it seems like you're a decent, compassionate person. I know it might not feel like it, but the world is a better place with you in it.

 

[IDeservetoDie]

Thank you all, it means a lot to hear somebody describe me in a way that wasn't negative. It's been a while since I've heard such nice things.

Unfortunately I don't know what else to do. As the days go by I see my mother lose her mental capabilities and we're slowly changing roles of care-taker and need-to-be-cared-for. My father is very angry and tends to take his anger out on all of us at home, but will be incredibly nice to even a cashier. It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong constantly. I'm afraid to leave my mother behind if only because I know my father won't treat her as gently as she deserves, and my sister is too self-absorbed to care for her, and is daddy's little angel.

I hate my two brothers for getting out of here first. I feel awful saying it but I wish it had been me. I went to a local university though to stay home and care for her but I regret my decision more and more each day. It all just seems to go downhill more and more with each passing day. I just wish one person in my life cared enough to listen to me, but I always seem to be the one to listen to others and then they don't feel like listening to me.

What's wrong with me? Why am I so selfish?

 

[porcelain_doll]

You are NOT selfish. You sacrificed your own opportunities in order to provide care for someone you love, I can't think of a more generous thing to do for someone. It's normal to think about yourself, and your own desires for your life. Why shouldn't you want things for yourself? there's nothing selfish about that.

 

[poster2747]

My heart goes out to everyone on this thread.

IDeservetodie, you are not selfish, as the poster above me says, you sacrificed your own opportunities to care for your family.