Something else no one knows, there's so many things i don't do any more and the main one is eat. Since I lost my job things have been unbearable to say the least. Homelessness is no close, the bills and bill collectors are never ending and all he does is yell about it and blame me. Granted its my fault but screaming at me isn't going to make me get a good paying full-time job tomorrow. I have not eaten meat in this house for months. when i cook, if i eat the meat is for them. I don't drink anything but water. I don't bathe every day cause ill be wasting the hot water and soap. I don't change my underwear every day i just flip it over and use a panty liner. i don't lotion my skin cause i don't want to waste the lotion, its for them. I use as little toothpaste s possible to brush my teeth and that's only in the morning. i don't use hot water to do dishes, wash hand washables or my face. i wear the same pair of socks for a week and wash them with the laundry on the week end. I don't watch tv or use the computer except to look for jobs and post on here. When the kids are asleep I use my cell to see where im going and what im doing and if i eat i do it by candle light. When im menstruating I use only 2 tampons a day so that they last longer and i don't have to put them on the grocery list. i wash my hair every 2 or 3 months but i wash theirs every week (we're black so once a week is fine). I don't use the cheese, eggs, hot dogs, jam, evaporated milk, snacks, and not even the bread. My mother in law gets these big tins of crackers at work and i just eat those with sardines that she also gets for me cause i have or had an obsession wit sardines and she would always get them for me. I dont feel like i deserve to use the stuff that he buys for him and the kids so i do without. I have lost so much weight that the moms at her school keep asking me if im ok and i keep saying Ive been having problems with my stomach. I am going on 96 hours with no sleep and i have a head ache that is blinding. I sooooooo want to die. I want to close my eyes and never wake up. i want this pain to end, why wont it stop. Why do i have to be a piece of shit loser that no one likes, hasn't had a decent job since 2005, cant drive, have no friends, no family here except for them. I am such a waist of space, air, money, the money it would cost to bury me would be the last money ever having to be spent on this waste of skin. y am I still breathing?