I'm here partly to say goodbye, and partly having doubt

[void_outlook]

so, yeah, it has been a messy two decades of my life since I graduated from being a dumb kid who made ton of mistakes back in my day. Now I am here, feeling I could do more, feeling I could just choose differently and stop giving myself trouble. Yet, deep down, somehow I wanted this, I wanted a reason to give up, something dramatic to justify why I want to end it all, but I realized, I just don't want to continue, it's just that simple. I realized. It was something close to yearning, longing, and wanting to struggle, to deceive myself and other, to forgive myself and to maintain my ego, to prove that I mean something to this world. I know I am not meaningless to some, but is it even matter if I don't care if I ever mattered at all?
All of this, I pretended will be okay, it won't be, it will never be. Something inside me has become irreparable. I am writing this feeling the utter emptiness, it's the void that allow me to see everything, and decided my struggle to meaning is not worth it.
But still, what if I am wrong, I wonder. But I know damn well the answer myself. I just want to muddle my thought. This is permanent decision, after all.
I just want to doubt, one last time, but then again, the date is set, preparation is underway. I just want to see it for myself what else left of this world could offer, before I dissolve, returning to lifeless vessel and breaking down to the countless more worthy life.

 

[seabird]

Welcome to Sf. I'm sorry you're feeling that other's worth is somehow higher or more than your own. I am not criticizing the feeling - I'm in the same situation. Just stay around
can for now? please.
@void_outlook it is good you're here, I'm glad you are here and said hello. Sf is a safe community and we try as best we can to support one another.

 

[void_outlook]

thanks for the hospitality. I will stay here for sometime, just want some company one last time. You know. I have planned this for two years, so I can wait for more, but the time has been set this time.

 

[seabird]

You're welcome @void_outlook There's company here. Yes, I think I know the feeling but also not going to assume anything.
I don't think there's anywhere else on the internet quite like Sf, it's a good place to wait and hopefully postpone.

 

[Gard]

thanks for the hospitality. I will stay here for sometime, just want some company one last time. You know. I have planned this for two years, so I can wait for more, but the time has been set this time.

Welcome.
Stay a while, chat with people, talk about your problems, and listen to others. You'll like it
Sometimes, that's all you need—to talk with others who are just like you.

 

[void_outlook]

so, I am unemployed. By choice, I mean. I just cannot work, like, it's something related to anxiety, but at the same time, it is a kind of dread that repulsed me from choosing otherwise. My job paid well, sometimes people can be shitty but it's not ever a problem for me. It just somehow reaching to the point where I cannot just continue.
so, I am ending up taking a long unemployed break, and it's not improved. I realized how pervasive the social influence of others putting on me, for my unemployment is not something I meant to undertake. I was meant to provide, and provided I did during my break, yet, I could see something breaking down the longer I take my break. Suddenly, I remembered the man who turn into a bug monster in The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka. I am him, precisely that. Is it worth it to have a whole family reclassified because my value decreased?

In the end, I realized, there's no freedom, no mean for defiance, wherever I go, whenever I look away, taking distance, I could see myself still looking at the wall closing in, regardless of where I thought I ended up. So my ever dramatic mind looked at one final solution: Ending it.

This time, I couldn't refute it.

 

[void_outlook]

I am such a mess, that I have no faith in ever finding a partner. Hell, I didn't trust myself to make my partner happy. I am self-aware, and also a control freak, who paradoxically valued freedom than most. I could not bring myself to trap other without my knowing, which I did all the time to my friend, family, and once upon a time a romantic interest. I trapped myself, and other. I am a monster, a pitiful brittle monstrosity who is now wailing on its own mistake.

 

[void_outlook]

I know that comparing myself to a monster is classic kind of low self esteem and confidence. So I also intellectualized my worldview, to judge myself less harsher, to appreciate myself as a flawed human being. It worked, for a time, until entropy caught up to me as I realized how tired I was, how utterly meaningless this charade is. I realized I didn't hate myself that brought me to seek oblivion. I just want mercy, peace, and end to suffering. I am suffering, me, not a character name myself, me is suffered, me want end.

 

[void_outlook]

this world is beautiful, I realized, but does knowing the beauty outside stopped my suffering? Ever?

 

[KM76710]

thanks for the hospitality. I will stay here for sometime, just want some company one last time. You know. I have planned this for two years, so I can wait for more, but the time has been set this time.

I am glad that you will stay around for a bit. You are welcome and valued with us so I hope you take all the time you need and keep posting and getting to know the forum and us.

 

[seabird]

this world is beautiful, I realized, but does knowing the beauty outside stopped my suffering? Ever?

Rhetorically responding. Yes, absolutely the external beauty potentially stops suffering for extremely brief moments, and the experience seems to always include a dissolving of boundary. I admit I don't know if this is false, if I or anyone is unworthy of it, or possibly abusing the beauty which is not supposed to be perceived as such. Forgive the hyper-introverted examination.

I have examples of experienced moments but this may not be the right time or place for it

 

[LumberJack]

I have planned more than one “expiration date” for myself. It’s always been about not reaching a certain age for me. I keep missing those deadlines, though. Something I am wondering is if I will suffer less if I don’t make demands on reality in terms of expecting things to turn out well for me. I can’t say if it’s working yet.

However, the way I look at it is that if I really want to exit, then I necessarily have nothing to lose. This means I can try anything and if it fails, then I’m potentially still doing better, and if I am not, I’m at least no worse off.

I’m trying to get in the habit of asking what would alleviate or mitigate the stress, or whatever shitty feeling. If I can pursue it, e.g., diet and exercise to get fit, then I set off to do little changes to move towards the vision of my best self. If I cannot improve it, either because the depression is about situations beyond my control, or as is most frequent with me, about nothing at all, then I don’t try to change the way I feel.

I have depression and I am going to be miserable more often than un-depressed people. Instead of trying to fix it or cognitively reframe my thoughts, I sit with my pain.

It’s an unfamiliar feeling to me that I could simply feel how I feel without putting any judgments on it, as in “this feels good and that feels bad.” I don’t have to be dishonest with the fact I am troubled. It’s more like I beat myself up less.

 

[Beos]

so, I am unemployed. By choice, I mean. I just cannot work, like, it's something related to anxiety, but at the same time, it is a kind of dread that repulsed me from choosing otherwise. My job paid well, sometimes people can be shitty but it's not ever a problem for me. It just somehow reaching to the point where I cannot just continue.
so, I am ending up taking a long unemployed break, and it's not improved. I realized how pervasive the social influence of others putting on me, for my unemployment is not something I meant to undertake. I was meant to provide, and provided I did during my break, yet, I could see something breaking down the longer I take my break. Suddenly, I remembered the man who turn into a bug monster in The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka. I am him, precisely that. Is it worth it to have a whole family reclassified because my value decreased?

In the end, I realized, there's no freedom, no mean for defiance, wherever I go, whenever I look away, taking distance, I could see myself still looking at the wall closing in, regardless of where I thought I ended up. So my ever dramatic mind looked at one final solution: Ending it.

This time, I couldn't refute it.

I think I understand how you feel. I was stable, almost happy except for the discrimination, while I was holding down a good job and able to take care of myself, but then I had to move back home because I wasn't able to find a job and my disabilities had become more pronounced. so back home I was unable to work, had become extremely unstable, and unable to make friends in the area. my mom tried to introduce me to her friends, but they all just stopped talking to me after a little while. I had an attempt at some point. I tried doing some volunteer work to meet people, but my anxiety and pain made it impossible to do. my ssdi was eventually approved so I stopped feeling like a complete burden, but the first thing I bought was an escape method. I haven't set a date or anything just helps me feel less trapped.

 

[void_outlook]

Rhetorically responding. Yes, absolutely the external beauty potentially stops suffering for extremely brief moments, and the experience seems to always include a dissolving of boundary. I admit I don't know if this is false, if I or anyone is unworthy of it, or possibly abusing the beauty which is not supposed to be perceived as such. Forgive the hyper-introverted examination.

I have examples of experienced moments but this may not be the right time or place for it

it's fine to have certain fascination and dissection, for as far as I knew, I certainly was implying and downplaying the usefulness of the world at its most pleasing angle. Nevertheless, I have a reason to be quite certain, that I can dispute the idea and believe that I am missing out on what worth seeing on this world. It sounds illogical, emotional driven, and yet, I would say it's more a compulsion, forged and crystalized by time and no mere impulse. I could understand that literally anyone could see it was madness, or downright hasty to just throw thing away.
Somehow, I believe myself wholeheartedly, this time, it wasn't meant to be, I wasn't meant to be.

 

[void_outlook]

I have planned more than one “expiration date” for myself. It’s always been about not reaching a certain age for me. I keep missing those deadlines, though. Something I am wondering is if I will suffer less if I don’t make demands on reality in terms of expecting things to turn out well for me. I can’t say if it’s working yet.

However, the way I look at it is that if I really want to exit, then I necessarily have nothing to lose. This means I can try anything and if it fails, then I’m potentially still doing better, and if I am not, I’m at least no worse off.

I’m trying to get in the habit of asking what would alleviate or mitigate the stress, or whatever shitty feeling. If I can pursue it, e.g., diet and exercise to get fit, then I set off to do little changes to move towards the vision of my best self. If I cannot improve it, either because the depression is about situations beyond my control, or as is most frequent with me, about nothing at all, then I don’t try to change the way I feel.

I have depression and I am going to be miserable more often than un-depressed people. Instead of trying to fix it or cognitively reframe my thoughts, I sit with my pain.

It’s an unfamiliar feeling to me that I could simply feel how I feel without putting any judgments on it, as in “this feels good and that feels bad.” I don’t have to be dishonest with the fact I am troubled. It’s more like I beat myself up less.

I am not pretending I can somehow empathize with you, but one thing for certain that you are more worthy on this world, still. Even if you don't believe that and I was just a hypocrite, you still have time to shuffle your thought, think it through, and decide what is right. I am not going to wallow in my suffering like it was a social badge of some kind, but I do think the different between us is you still have a chance to look. I tried to look, and waited for a bit too long, though.

 

[void_outlook]

I think I understand how you feel. I was stable, almost happy except for the discrimination, while I was holding down a good job and able to take care of myself, but then I had to move back home because I wasn't able to find a job and my disabilities had become more pronounced. so back home I was unable to work, had become extremely unstable, and unable to make friends in the area. my mom tried to introduce me to her friends, but they all just stopped talking to me after a little while. I had an attempt at some point. I tried doing some volunteer work to meet people, but my anxiety and pain made it impossible to do. my ssdi was eventually approved so I stopped feeling like a complete burden, but the first thing I bought was an escape method. I haven't set a date or anything just helps me feel less trapped.

I too was and am still trying to make sense of this cruel world, doing what I can. I wasn't some hand on volunteer in doing what I could to make the world better, but I would be sure depart knowing at least I have done something, at least.
Gratitude, thankfulness weren't unwelcome, I guess. I do like them, though, there's just a limit on how much it could make me have a reason to care more, to myself, and those who needs help.
It was such a hypocrite and callous thing to say. So very me, the one who just escape all of the problems away without ever tackling them. I am just lazy, and tired.

 

[seabird]

it's fine to have certain fascination and dissection, for as far as I knew, I certainly was implying and downplaying the usefulness of the world at its most pleasing angle. Nevertheless, I have a reason to be quite certain, that I can dispute the idea and believe that I am missing out on what worth seeing on this world. It sounds illogical, emotional driven, and yet, I would say it's more a compulsion, forged and crystalized by time and no mere impulse. I could understand that literally anyone could see it was madness, or downright hasty to just throw thing away.
Somehow, I believe myself wholeheartedly, this time, it wasn't meant to be, I wasn't meant to be.

I'd concur that if - what my mind interprets as a sort of 4 dimensional exchange between my mind and body and beauty - that if you are finding yourself in a compulsion to not engage with it, then that's not necessarily madness. It may be your mind initially chose this to represent its experiences to itself, then finding solace for whatever reason, continues on. It is justified within its own reasoning. Put another way it has validity if your mind never found a foothold to live in that ethos. Just so you know, I ahve been a painter all my life and one part of my genre is abstract.
If, in a theoretical other universe within which you were not given your reason to be quite certain you were meant to be, who are you. This is what I wonder about.

 

[void_outlook]

I'd concur that if - what my mind interprets as a sort of 4 dimensional exchange between my mind and body and beauty - that if you are finding yourself in a compulsion to not engage with it, then that's not necessarily madness. It may be your mind initially chose this to represent its experiences to itself, then finding solace for whatever reason, continues on. It is justified within its own reasoning. Put another way it has validity if your mind never found a foothold to live in that ethos. Just so you know, I ahve been a painter all my life and one part of my genre is abstract.
If, in a theoretical other universe within which you were not given your reason to be quite certain you were meant to be, who are you. This is what I wonder about.

in the countless possibilities, somehow, I wish I could be myself again. I have grown to love it, for all its quirk, and weakness. Yet, paradoxically, I am going to put an end to it, not because I hate myself. It's just it's a categorical error at this point to be compassionate to myself when I couldn't hold all that weight, and exhaustion.

 

[seabird]

I wish you might again be yourself.

I've not experienced the proof of this but it is said that love heals. I do know though it it seems strange but it is not necessarily hate which kills a person or a critter, but being forgotten &/or ignored.
Why one gets ignored is not the the fault of the victim, but of those who justify and act on carrying out that sort of abuse.

Would weight need to be held all the time or could it be occasionally set aside.

As I write these things it's as much to myself as to you @void_outlook

 

[may71]

Usually there's a better way out than suicide. It would be a terrible tragedy if there were something worth living for in life that you lost because you exited prematurely.

If there are some treatment methods that you haven't tried yet, I think they would be worth looking into. I could say more about this if you're interested.

I hope things will work out somehow.