I think? I don't know, someone mentioned this idea to me and it sounded like it could make sense. Its a long story, I feel like everything with me a long story. But anyway, I'm gonna start with the fact that I cannot sleep no matter how hard I try. Last night, I went to sleep at 6:30 in the morning, woke up at 9-ish. Thats three hours of sleep. I usually dont even feel the need to sleep until almost 4 am, the night before last night, I went to sleep at almost 5 (basically 5) and had to wake up at 8. Now, the reason I had to get up at 8 is part of the bigger story. The police detectives were coming to pick me up to "talk" to me about a death I witnessed and may have had a hand in, in their opinion. To be exact, I found this boy slumped over in a shower at a party and tried my hardest to get him help but it was so hectic around and so many people were trying to check him that I couldn't do what I needed to do properly. I really wanted to help because I'm a lifeguard and he didn't have a pulse when I checked, so I knew he needed CPR. So many people were touching him and grabbing that it was almost impossible to even think straight and I just kept yelling to call an ambulance because people weren't listening to me. Someone pulled me away from the house and I don't know what happened after that. Ever since it's happened, I haven't felt much about it. I don't know why, I know its a terrible situation but I haven't cried about it or even been angry. I think im just numb to it, i dont want to think about but it always just pops up all the time - so frustrating, I just want the whole situation to disappear and it wont. It just keeps getting bigger and bigger. Ever since this happened last month, I don't sleep. I am also 98% positive I have BPD - the intense anger, no concrete sense of self, unstable and intense relationships, lack of empathy, that is all me. Its just gotten really bad since then. I dont even feel much anymore. I just need help??? I DONT KNOW - this is my new motto.