I'm just so unsure...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Butterfly, Jan 21, 2015.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I really have no idea what the hell is going on, how I'm feeling or anything. I can't really say that I have ever felt like this before so I don't really know how to manage these thoughts, feelings or emotions either. A few months ago, probably around October time, I began to feel extremely paranoid about things and feeling very suspicious of people's motives. If something happened, like a friend cancelled on me, I'd take it so personally and would immediately think that they hated me and wanted to bring me down. A whole heap of events happened collectively and was convinced there was a plot to make me feel alone, ridicule me and make me fall from grace and make sure that I lose everything. I'm not quite sure of the exact trigger, I did have a lot of stress as my parents moved away, I have got my own house and became preoccupied with bills and then also buying and building furniture for the house, had a lot of stress at work and then I also had something terrible happen to my fiancé that I am still struggling to deal with (and haven't addressed the latter with anyone professionally, which I probably should) so I think all the stress as a whole probably triggered this way of thinking but not sure why as I don't really have low self esteem or self worth when I am well. And for me, I don't particularly feel unwell. I have Bipolar disorder so I am used to feeling depressed and manic and feeling it to the extreme, but I don't feel particularly depressed and I am not manic either.

    It's just intense paranoia, and in the midst of it I stopped taking my medication because I thought that it was what was stopping me from thinking rationally and clearly (which was obviously irrational) so this did not help and made things worse. I saw my GP a couple of weeks ago who spoke to my pdoc who obviously said that I needed to start taking my medications again because they thought it was psychosis. It's strange because I have suffered psychosis whilst both depressed, manic and mixed and it feels so different. If I am depressed or mixed I will hear voices, see scary objects and will often have persecutory beliefs like the government is trying to kill me, and whilst manic I tend to have delusions that I am on a mission for something and it is of great importance but right now it doesn't feel like either of those experiences at all which is why I'm surprised they thought it was psychosis. I'm not hearing voices, I still see shadows but I always have and it doesn't really bother me and is not always necessarily a hallucination, can be trick of the eye and the light although I have this paranoia that people are on a mission to bring me down which I guess is a persecutory belief. Because I don't really have any other symptoms they don't think it's bipolar related. But I am not sure what yet as I've yet to see my pdoc in person.

    I thought at first it may have been anxiety related as around the time it started I was doing a lot of work in therapy about recognising hot thoughts, thinking processes and thinking errors and stuff so I was becoming more aware of my anxiety, but if I am honest my anxiety is a lot better. It still gets triggered, usually when I have to do something I am afraid of doing or don't want to do but I can keep it in check and have not had any generalised anxiety attacks for a good while now so I don't think it is anxiety related. The only other thing is that my emotions seem to be cycling a lot throughout the day. Not between manic, euphoric, depressed or suicidal. One moment I can feel okay and confident, and then I will have pangs of paranoia and I will just feel detached from everything. I feel more detached than anything, I feel in a very lonely place because I am constantly suspicious of peoples intentions and actions and I don't know why. It's horrible because I know it's irrational, but I can't help but feel and think that way.

    I don't really know how I can deal with this better than I have been. I've been putting my therapy into practice to try and help, and I've started taking my meds again and although it's not as intense as it was, it's still there. I don't really know what else I can do except to wait until I see my pdoc, carry on my therapy and take my meds and carry on with distraction mechanisms. The distraction helps some, as it takes away the intensity and helps me stop thinking about things, but it doesn't stop the feelings and thoughts from being there. I feel so confused, and weird, and a little helpless.
  2. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    MEDS. That's really all I can help you with at this point. You need a good medication to get rid of the intrusive thoughts. They will go away after about 6 weeks. I wish you look and please feel free to pm me.
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am taking my meds now, but the thoughts started even when I had been on an established medication regime for a long time, before I stopped taking them. I take risperidone and lamotrigine. I don't think meds are going to solve it completely as I am not totally convinced it is all psychosis.
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    This sounds like quite the conundrum you've got going on here... You are very astute as to your own self-analysis. And I think that the one thing that makes mental illness so difficult and challenging to tackle, is that it takes the perspective of another (preferably, as you have done, a professional) to accurately diagnose. In other words, even with something like psychoanalysis: it is impossible to do this to yourself; you need someone else's help. When we look at ourselves, it is very difficult to be objective. The same goes for our close friends and family. It's best to have someone who has no personal connection with us so as to not be biased by any subjective opinions. The area that sounds like you are struggling most with seems to me to be delusions. I don't know if that's the right term. You called them paranoid thoughts. Whatever they are, they are clearly interfering with your day; and inhibiting how well you're able to function. I think that the best advice I could give--which likely carries little weight as I myself have never gone through such problems--is to try not to focus or worry about them. The thoughts. It has to be unsettling to feel like someone is plotting to take you down or sabotage your plans. I believe you said you're in therapy, and back on some medications. I hope that this helps. It sounds like it doesn't address the issues completely. Can you possibly bump up your appointment with your psychiatrist? And if you disagree with their assessment, possibly inquire about an alternative idea, or diagnosis? That is the opposing view with which I spoke that is of the most significance, in my mind. I think you've also very well nailed some of the symptoms with respect to all of the stressors in your life. Even if completely free from any type of psychological troubles, that or those would be enough to introduce some for the first time. Take care and best wishes-
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I'm going to be struggling to get my appointment bumped up. I finally received my appointment in the post and I can't attend because I am going to be away, which is a bummer so I will have to re arrange so god knows how long I am going to have to wait. The thoughts are becoming less intrusive and less intense, but they are still there. The most I can do until my medication gets upped or changed is just continue to distract myself, and while that helps, it doesn't necessarily solve the problem. It does suck, it really does. The thing that sucks the most is that it has made me feel detached and very lonely, and it's the worst feeling I've had in a long while.
  6. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    I hope they do not bump you out and make you wait much longer for an appointment.
    What works for you as a distraction?
  7. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I wonder if there's any way that you could see someone else temporarily, or just this once, given the situation? Does your pdoc have a colleague that they could refer you to... assuming that this would be acceptable, of course. Does being around people help? Can you talk to your friends? Or does this make you feel somewhat self-conscious... I hope you find some relief-
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    What about trying more postive thoughts. It seems to help me when I start thinking someone's against me. I try to talk myself into non related reason why it happened towards me.
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