I'm new here

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Beautiful Hope, Sep 17, 2013.

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  1. Beautiful Hope

    Beautiful Hope Active Member

    Hello Everyone. I'm brand new here. I'm having some difficulties figuring out the site & how to use some features. Mostly the chat room. Can anyone help me figure these things out, please?

    A little about me. I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. It's all clinical depression. It's not situational depression. I really have a pretty good life. I have a great husband that takes good care of me & is very understanding & supportive of my "issues" as I call them. I have suffered from depression with suicidal tendencies, as my Dr calls it, since I was about 14. I'm now 28. I also have social anxiety that is also triggered by stress. I have moderate OCD which get worse when I'm anxious, which is most of the time. I've recently moved to AZ from FL, where I spent my whole life. I've never lived this far from my family & I've never lived in a place that I couldn't go to the beach, which I love to do. In Feb, I had to quit my job because of my anxiety. I worked as a technical support advisor & would get extremely anxious when I had an upset customer, which happened many times a day. I miss working, & I miss that job because I worked from home & I didn't need to leave my house & be around other people, which makes my anxiety much worse, so I was able to control it a little better. My Dr recently put me a Xanax but before that, I've always dealt with my anxiety, depression, & suicidal thoughts all on my own. I've never had anyone that I could confide in that understood where I was coming from & understood that depression & anxiety are not things that can be controlled. They are things that just happen. My parents always tell me "just be happy." That's impossible when you can't see the good in anything. When all you see is the bad things in the world & have no one that understands. Anyway, I have no friends where we live now. I depend completely on my husband for all interaction. I have no vehicle to go anywhere, because I had to sell it so I could quit my job, & my only neighbors aren't friendly to "strangers." I'm trying to buy a violin so I can learn how to play & I'm trying to find a way to take online college courses. I have no idea where to start, I have no money to attend, & my only computer is very outdated & has it's own issues. It just feels like nothing I want to do with my life ever works out. I've always felt like I'm the only one that understand what that's like. Any time something bad happens in me & my husbands lives, all I can think is "this is just my luck. He'd be much better off without me. Everyone would." I hate feeling that way & I want it to stop. Anyway. That's really all I have to say. I'm sorry this is so long. But I wanted to share som about myself & see if I could get some perspective from others that understand what I'm going through.
     
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Here is part of the forum - called Member Information and Resources - which may help answer some of the questions you have.

    It has tutorials for the forum and how do to various bits and pieces of it. And a chat guide for new people (although at the time of this reply the chat room is down - there are times this will happen (fairly infrequently but it's useful to be aware)) - courtesy of me :)

    http://www.suicideforum.com/forumdisplay.php?133-Member-Information-and-Resources

    All the other forums have short descriptions of what you'd be able to find out you can put where. If there are further sub-forums within another one - you'll also see them within the initial description (an example would be to scroll down the index page for the forum called "Let it all out" - where there are sub-forums of members diary/members private diary).



    And thanks for sharing - there are many people who have depression and/or anxiety (some may not have both here) - who will understand more as to what you are going through. Does the anxiety stop you from finding a group of people who share an interest or passion in the same things you do?

    Depression and Anxiety can't be fully controlled, but with support of a doc or if able to get one, a therapist too, it can be managed easier for many. I actually wonder if there was anything other than the ex-partner of yours (I happened to catch the post in another thread) - that happened with and around your parents - moving a few times? often being verbally abused (can have an impact years down the line) - and then what happened with the ex - all are likely to build up into the depression/anxiety - and feeling hopeless. You are not hopeless, you've just had a rough deal so far, but, I am impressed that you are married - it's something positive and good to work from.

    Maybe set up a few short term goals (not necessarily buying the violin), such as finding local groups that share anything you have an interest in or passion for. A medium term goal (possibly), to get a therapist (sounds to me like you could do with that 1 to 1 support - of someone who's qualified in how to work with it) - and a long term goal - back to work and violin playing/tuition.

    You deserve the chance to be happier - I think you've found a decent community here :)

    Hope you find the support you need :)
     
  3. Beautiful Hope

    Beautiful Hope Active Member

    Thank you for replying. I have had a lot of negativity in my life. I was horribly bullied & outcast in school & made fun of because I didn't have the best clothes (hand me down & goodwill mostly) & I didn't fit into the normal group of kids. I only had 3 friends. 1 of which I still talk to. & My mom would always try to use "reverse psychology" on me by saying "you'll never graduate with your class." when I came home with bad grades, or saying "you'll never get into college because you did so badly in high school." So I never went to college because she never made me believe that I could... or rather, she never taught me to believe in myself. My dad is a truck driver & has been since I was about 4, so he's be gone most of my life. They always had a great marriage, though. I found out as an adult that my mom has also suffered from depression, as did her mother. They made me feel like it was something I should be ashamed of. She never offered or even tried to get me any help. When I came to her at 17 & told her I was thinking about killing myself, she said to me "how do you think that makes me feel? like I'm a bad mother & I didn't do a good job raising you." When in reality, it had nothing to do with her feelings. It was about mine. But she still didn't get me any help. Then I married my ex-husband & I felt like I deserved the way he treated me. After 4 years, I finally realized that I didn't & I gained the strength to leave him... which honestly, was caused by my dads brother committing suicide the day after their mom died. That was a really difficult week. But once it was over, I told my husband I was leaving him. He took it surprisingly well... or so I thought. Our call dropped & I thought he'd hung up on me. I found out about 2 hours later he'd shot himself in the leg in an attempt to guilt me into coming back to him. Funny thing is, most of the people we knew thought I'd shot him. They didn't know I'd left the state to be with my family. Anyway, after I left him, that was actually the happiest time of my life. I felt like I could do anything. I got a tattoo, I started dating (my current husband), I started going to college for psychology (for only one semester), & I had a lot of friends. Then it all started to unravel. The only thing I still have now, out of it all, is my husband. He stuck by my side through it all & still helps me daily. I have a lot of goals that I would like to accomplish but I don't know how to make them come to fruition. I have set a short term goal, like you mentioned. That's to play 'My Immortal' on my piano. It's a song I've always liked & wanted to learn & my piano has gotten me through a lot of difficult times. It's a "creative outlet" as my former therapist called it. As far as getting a therapist or a councilor, I have no way to do that. I have no way to go to one. We only have one car & the therapist I was seeing is 45 mins from home. My husband works 6am-6pm & then drives the 45 mins home. So unfortunately, that's not an option for me. That's mostly why I joined this site... In hopes of getting help from & being able to talk to people that understand what I'm feeling & going through & to know that I'm not the only one. After all, misery loves company, right? But the thing is... I've studied psychology since I was in high school. I understand why I have the thoughts & feelings that I do but I don't know how to stop them. :frusty:
     
  4. Beautiful Hope

    Beautiful Hope Active Member

    Also, as far as the chat room, I'm on a macbook that's about 4 years old & when I click to open the chat room, it just says 'inactive plug in.' I've tried using it on google chrome & it doesn't work there either. I've updated everything that needed to be & downloaded the java it requires. :confused:

    It works on my iPad, I guess. It will open but it never shows anyone chatting in the room.
     
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    With the iPad - it would be useful to find out the forum staff if possible (from chat monitors, forum moderators, senior moderators and administrators) - so you can send them a private message to ask them to move you to a more populated room. However, apple products seem to drop out fairly frequently.

    As for the macbook getting into the chat - post in Troubleshooting and someone may be able to assist you with getting into it.

    Piano playing? Awesomesauce :) I'm a bit partial to playing a 61-key keyboard - (my best instrument) - but I learn a chord pattern and make it up (sounds different virtually every time lol ) - It is a very good creative outlet - and a nice song choice (that probably describes how you feel pretty well).

    I wouldn't overly panic about having the thoughts and feelings - it's more how you manage them when they are more prominent. But being a psychology student - that you would be more likely to be aware of - they may never fully go away.

    And here - in this community - people will be most likely to suggest that it is not something to be ashamed of. Not in the slightest. Anyone who tells you otherwise, either lacks knowledge of what it's like to be under the cloud, or is more tuned socially (with which, i've found, the further people are away from a "social normality" - the more they are burdened with depression and beyond - I term it social normality because that may not be the truest reality - just their perspective).

    It does stretch imagination, but you could consider using the links that are nearer the bottom of the main forum and emailing them for extra support (ie, MIND, or even Samaritans (if they operate in the US).
     
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