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I'm Not Doing Well
- Thread starter I Love Tomorrow
- Start date
Stopping in to inquire how you're doing and repeat or re-state that healing is pronably a lifeling prospect. And I send best hopes that you are alrght @I Love Tomorrow It's sometimes feels as though words cannot do enough and I have to try to remind myself that it's the intention and listening which can move mountains.
It really seems that way, which is messed up to me. It also seems that lying and pretending are requirements too, which I have a hard time with. I feel like a fraud by just being alive.
In life, it's seems that one person's lie is another person's truth. What I could say about some of the things that were told to me was a lie, another would say, "Yes, but.." and then tell me why I'm wrong or distorted. I ask myself constantly how some people can have the view they do about certain things, all while they are probably thinking the same thing about me. Example being I don't understand how anyone can believe certain religions even though I was once religious myself, and moved on from it. But why did they not move on, or get even closer to it? I do not understand that and it separates us, some times terribly.
Lot's of suicidal visualizing this week. I've come to the conclusion that when I think of life logically, it's all downhill. I also don't think that I'll be able to change this perspective on my own, because I've tried repeatedly and I think that's just who I am. 'That's who I am', that's the problem. So let's solve the problem, that's the thought process.
It's amazing how long some things can last, though logic tells me nothing lasts forever. It's also amazing how long fear can keep someone from attempting again, but as life puts the 'squeeze' on you even that wears thin. You just don't care anymore about the possibly consequences or pain. It's terrible, I wish no one ever had to go through that
In life, it's seems that one person's lie is another person's truth. What I could say about some of the things that were told to me was a lie, another would say, "Yes, but.." and then tell me why I'm wrong or distorted. I ask myself constantly how some people can have the view they do about certain things, all while they are probably thinking the same thing about me. Example being I don't understand how anyone can believe certain religions even though I was once religious myself, and moved on from it. But why did they not move on, or get even closer to it? I do not understand that and it separates us, some times terribly.
Lot's of suicidal visualizing this week. I've come to the conclusion that when I think of life logically, it's all downhill. I also don't think that I'll be able to change this perspective on my own, because I've tried repeatedly and I think that's just who I am. 'That's who I am', that's the problem. So let's solve the problem, that's the thought process.
It's amazing how long some things can last, though logic tells me nothing lasts forever. It's also amazing how long fear can keep someone from attempting again, but as life puts the 'squeeze' on you even that wears thin. You just don't care anymore about the possibly consequences or pain. It's terrible, I wish no one ever had to go through that
Wednesday I lied. Thursday I pretended. Many days I also feel like a fraud by being alive.. that is a good way of putting it. I feel like I am contributing to, or condoning, the nonsense by being alive.
Years ago I had this big epiphany and was being very honest with new people I met about topics, including my mental health, and it was great. Then at some point I can't identify right now, I retreated somewhat from that. Maybe I was too weak or afraid to stay at that level of honesty. Maybe being more than 20% honest is impossible in our environments. I hate to use the word impossible.. but I think the support structure is largely absent which would be required to allow someone to be even 80% honest with everyone.
Years ago I had this big epiphany and was being very honest with new people I met about topics, including my mental health, and it was great. Then at some point I can't identify right now, I retreated somewhat from that. Maybe I was too weak or afraid to stay at that level of honesty. Maybe being more than 20% honest is impossible in our environments. I hate to use the word impossible.. but I think the support structure is largely absent which would be required to allow someone to be even 80% honest with everyone.
I missed work again today because I'm not coping well, but alcohol last night was also a factor. I've been doing better with vices, but I'm still stuck in this vicious cycle of having a bad day at work with much suicidal thought, and then wanting to take the edge off when I get home to forget about it. Which works sometimes, than backfires like today. It usually makes me feel worse with anxiety the next day, but the only other way I cope is to just go to sleep right away. In general I'm using sleep(when it works) to cope more, which I don't like especially in the summer months.
An attempt right now would devastate my sister, who is in last stage kidney disease among other things. Obviously I don't want to go that route, but this no hope feeling and just putting off what I feel is inevitable is so overwhelming. I hate repeatedly going through the work day with suicidal thought, as it makes it difficult to concentrate or causes me to make mistakes sometimes.
I'm not very helpful to other people here when I'm like this either, as I'm really in no state of mind to help or give advice right now. I'm trying to focus on the positive I have right now even if seemingly little. This is positive, to have this outlet. I made a choice to come here today rather than do something else more harmful.
An attempt right now would devastate my sister, who is in last stage kidney disease among other things. Obviously I don't want to go that route, but this no hope feeling and just putting off what I feel is inevitable is so overwhelming. I hate repeatedly going through the work day with suicidal thought, as it makes it difficult to concentrate or causes me to make mistakes sometimes.
I'm not very helpful to other people here when I'm like this either, as I'm really in no state of mind to help or give advice right now. I'm trying to focus on the positive I have right now even if seemingly little. This is positive, to have this outlet. I made a choice to come here today rather than do something else more harmful.
Just wanted to say that I understand @I Love Tomorrow …
I am having similar issues with alcohol and with not wanting to be alive yet feeling like I don’t want to cause pain for others…
I am having similar issues with alcohol and with not wanting to be alive yet feeling like I don’t want to cause pain for others…
I think I might know what you mean. Like if you had an atheist and a religious person in a car and it got a flat, the religious person might say, "Oh, it must be a gift from God, and this flat tire protected us from getting into a terrible accident down the road." whereas the atheist would say something like "shit happens".
It sounds like the problem is that you need a sense of meaning and purpose, and to feel like the universe is not simply indifferent to you, but achieving that requires you to have a religious perspective that you can no longer maintain. It's a tough situation to be in.
For some people, being religious suits them just fine. For other people, being an atheist seems to suit them just fine. But for you, there's no place that feels entirely like home, which is a crisis because it's leading you to despair and thoughts of suicide.
I could try to offer some advice if you'd like.
It sounds like the problem is that you need a sense of meaning and purpose, and to feel like the universe is not simply indifferent to you, but achieving that requires you to have a religious perspective that you can no longer maintain. It's a tough situation to be in.
For some people, being religious suits them just fine. For other people, being an atheist seems to suit them just fine. But for you, there's no place that feels entirely like home, which is a crisis because it's leading you to despair and thoughts of suicide.
I could try to offer some advice if you'd like.
I hope the anxiety goes down and you can catch a break from the cycle. Anxiety is terrible and it has all these other bad domino effects too.
hug @I Love Tomorrow
hug @I Love Tomorrow
I can maintain for now, but it doesn't take much to overwhelm me again. Which I guess is not that much different from how many others have it. Life is tiring and debilitating constantly living on that edge between suicide and trying to make things work.
I was thinking the other day that I had a pretty good childhood up until a certain point. But it's not worth it to me, the bad in this life far outweighs the good, for some more than others. What I mean is that you can find the fault in everything if you try hard enough, even the things disguised as good things. I would've gladly traded some of that happiness I had as kid to have had more peace in my adult life, but it doesn't work that way. You get what you get, when you get it, if you ever even get them at all. I have good memories from the past, but I think I would trade every one of them to have never lived this painful life at all.
Sure, what do you have?
I was thinking the other day that I had a pretty good childhood up until a certain point. But it's not worth it to me, the bad in this life far outweighs the good, for some more than others. What I mean is that you can find the fault in everything if you try hard enough, even the things disguised as good things. I would've gladly traded some of that happiness I had as kid to have had more peace in my adult life, but it doesn't work that way. You get what you get, when you get it, if you ever even get them at all. I have good memories from the past, but I think I would trade every one of them to have never lived this painful life at all.
Sure, what do you have?
Nothing that remarkable. Just that you'd have to either rehabilitate your religious perspective, or find some new perspective that you can embrace that will also make life bearable for you. Would being agnostic work for you? Is there a problem with the particular religion that you had, or do you think it's more religion in general?
I think I have been forced to revisit my spiritual perspective lately, and start believing in more than what meets the eye. I grew up being Lutheran/Christian, then became agnostic, and then felt more atheist. But I think I'm going back to being agnostic, both for my physical and mental well being.
Being agnostic to me means not being part of a particular religion or belief, but instead feeling a partial spiritual connection with things and a feeling that something is going on, though not quite knowing what that is. It leaves the door open to a lot of possibilities, whereas with other religion I see it as either black or white, it either is or it isn't.
But I will say that in the suicide world, it can effect anyone regardless of belief or perspective from what I see. It will not save anyone from a certain outcome just because you do or don't believe in something, which is disheartening to me. That's where the feeling of what I do doesn't really matter comes from. Another thing that is difficult is trying to live in and share a world where many others have the exact opposite belief that you do, sometimes with very bad results.
I've been coping better for some reason lately and don't know how long it will last, so I guess I'll enjoy it while it does.
Being agnostic to me means not being part of a particular religion or belief, but instead feeling a partial spiritual connection with things and a feeling that something is going on, though not quite knowing what that is. It leaves the door open to a lot of possibilities, whereas with other religion I see it as either black or white, it either is or it isn't.
But I will say that in the suicide world, it can effect anyone regardless of belief or perspective from what I see. It will not save anyone from a certain outcome just because you do or don't believe in something, which is disheartening to me. That's where the feeling of what I do doesn't really matter comes from. Another thing that is difficult is trying to live in and share a world where many others have the exact opposite belief that you do, sometimes with very bad results.
I've been coping better for some reason lately and don't know how long it will last, so I guess I'll enjoy it while it does.
It's true that people can be suicidal whether they are religious or not.
I don' think that's true. For example, there are studies that show that religious people are three times more likely to be successful in quitting drinking than people who are not religious. A religious person might say that God helps them because they are believers, and an atheist would say their wrong but comfortable belief aids them, but the fact remains that being religious helps you quit drinking.
I don' think that's true. For example, there are studies that show that religious people are three times more likely to be successful in quitting drinking than people who are not religious. A religious person might say that God helps them because they are believers, and an atheist would say their wrong but comfortable belief aids them, but the fact remains that being religious helps you quit drinking.
I have always sensed it is the support of the (religious or otherwise) community that helps a person quit.
This is just how I see it though. We need other people on our side, who are in agreement and support our goals, especially the hard ones.
Probably once one has gone past their religious belief, they would not be able to renew it, even though it'd be pragmatic, to regain faith in God in order to stop drinking.
I hope you're doing alright @I Love Tomorrow
This is just how I see it though. We need other people on our side, who are in agreement and support our goals, especially the hard ones.
Probably once one has gone past their religious belief, they would not be able to renew it, even though it'd be pragmatic, to regain faith in God in order to stop drinking.
I hope you're doing alright @I Love Tomorrow
All I want to do is just say goodbye to this world. I don't care about an afterlife, just give me black and I won't even know or feel anything. I do not want religion or superstitious belief in my life.
I'm not interested in building a life and have not been for a long time. I'm not interested in this world or humanity, or it's outcome. Waking up most days is like waking up to a nightmare, instead of from a nightmare. The alarm clock going off, just staring lifelessly at the ceiling and I know what's waiting for me, know the feeling?
I don't have any passion to do anything else with my life, it does not matter to me. Sure, it may matter to them, but why does it matter to me, what is the benefit for me I ask? The idea of self love comes to mind, that ending my life could be the best thing I could do for myself. I've been loved in my life, I've had good things and it hasn't all been bad, but I feel the sun has risen and set as far as any kind of good future for myself is concerned. 'What is the point of any of this?' my repeated thought. I imagine putting my method up to me, intense pain for a moment, and then lights out. No more, finally. No more of all the bad things I keep experiencing, ever again hopefully.
Over the summer I heard about some who perished to suicide by the most brutal methods I could ever imagine, plus other facts about suicide rates in certain areas. I will never forget that for the rest of my life, that will be in my memory now until the day I die, and I didn't ask for it, and I certainly don't want it. But I can't deny they happened either. I'm now a involuntary witness. And I find it very hard to live with.
As time goes by, I care less about the fear. I'm pretty sure that my life will end with suicide no matter what I do, either sooner or later, so I can't help the thought of why wait?
I'm not interested in building a life and have not been for a long time. I'm not interested in this world or humanity, or it's outcome. Waking up most days is like waking up to a nightmare, instead of from a nightmare. The alarm clock going off, just staring lifelessly at the ceiling and I know what's waiting for me, know the feeling?
I don't have any passion to do anything else with my life, it does not matter to me. Sure, it may matter to them, but why does it matter to me, what is the benefit for me I ask? The idea of self love comes to mind, that ending my life could be the best thing I could do for myself. I've been loved in my life, I've had good things and it hasn't all been bad, but I feel the sun has risen and set as far as any kind of good future for myself is concerned. 'What is the point of any of this?' my repeated thought. I imagine putting my method up to me, intense pain for a moment, and then lights out. No more, finally. No more of all the bad things I keep experiencing, ever again hopefully.
Over the summer I heard about some who perished to suicide by the most brutal methods I could ever imagine, plus other facts about suicide rates in certain areas. I will never forget that for the rest of my life, that will be in my memory now until the day I die, and I didn't ask for it, and I certainly don't want it. But I can't deny they happened either. I'm now a involuntary witness. And I find it very hard to live with.
As time goes by, I care less about the fear. I'm pretty sure that my life will end with suicide no matter what I do, either sooner or later, so I can't help the thought of why wait?
I have always felt that I will die by suicide, just because if I have the choice I'm not going to linger in a hospital bed terminally ill. However, that doesn't make my days less meaningful. Why not find something good and useful to do with your life? Do something nice for yourself or others.
I have no proof that a life cut short by suicide (as opposed to when one is dying anyway) is an affront to Universe, but that's how I feel. We have a limited time here anyway. I read the philosophy of Stoicism and one of the tenets is that you can die at any time so make each moment count. Push yourself for the intrinsic satisfaction of reaching goals. Live a virtuous life. You can check out the books or YouTube channel of Ryan Holiday for more info (I have no affiliation with him). Stoicism has helped me with depression and social anxiety.
I have no proof that a life cut short by suicide (as opposed to when one is dying anyway) is an affront to Universe, but that's how I feel. We have a limited time here anyway. I read the philosophy of Stoicism and one of the tenets is that you can die at any time so make each moment count. Push yourself for the intrinsic satisfaction of reaching goals. Live a virtuous life. You can check out the books or YouTube channel of Ryan Holiday for more info (I have no affiliation with him). Stoicism has helped me with depression and social anxiety.
