im not the same person anymore

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by cole624, Jun 30, 2014.

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  1. cole624

    cole624 Member

    before i met her i was a brooding kid, depression hit hard after my parents split when i was 10. eventually i stopped talking to my father and began to look up to an elderly friend as a father figure. he died when i was 14. didnt know how much it tore me up until i attempted. i didnt know why i was so sad until a few years later. after i got out of the hospital i was going to attempt again, only this time i knew what i was doing. except before i could i met a girl, and blah blah blah. she was my everything and now i have nothing you have heard that story in 10000 pop songs and 10000 romance novels. but that doesnt concern me as much as who i am now. i havent talked to her in over 2 years and just today i realized, even if i did see her again, im not the same person, im not that innocent 17 year old idealist anymore. after these years have gone by im fueled by self hatred, booze, and work. she would be disgusted, but i also realize she has probably changed as well. we have many mutual friends, so i heard that she graduated, top of her class, going to college come fall, and im not a part of any of it. and i dont "WANT" to be apart of any of it. i "WANT" to move on, but she already owns me, i gave her my heart and soul. and sometimes in life there are no take-backs, im afraid this is one of them. at this point i would do almost anything to get over her. but then again i havent stopped thinking about her for almost 6 years so even if it's just a fantasy world, she is the only world i know, and that is scary. i would also do almost anything to be with her again, but that is also scary, my hands are calloused from work, arms are scarred from thinking of her, drink more than i should. thinking about getting professional help but i need to see if insurance covers it, and also how much i would be able to tell them. i cant go back to the hospital. i work sometimes 60 hours a week and i got bills to pay on top of my visit in the hospital was awful.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You should be proud of you for working so hard I think with therapy you can move forward You can have a new outlook and perhaps one day meet a new person to replace that hole in your heart but the next time you will be stronger and you will be able to hold onto a relationship
     
  3. cole624

    cole624 Member

    i suppose i should be proud of my hard work. technically i guess im successful. but i still have regrets about not doing good in school and going to college. but i guess there is nothing to do about that. as far as that hole in my heart and a replacement. maybe somebody will be naive to put up with my bullshit. maybe. i "held onto that relationship" for 3 years and the last words she told me were "i love you" i havent heard from her since. it's complicated as fuck. but yes maybe someone else will come along
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Believe me someone will.
    First loves are always the hardest to get over and I still think of my first love every so often and wonder how he is and that relationship was over 40 years ago, but that didn't stop me meeting someone else and having a life that didn't include him.
     
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