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Im not worthy of life

Discussion in 'School, Uni and Starting Out' started by Allan234, Feb 10, 2017.

  1. Allan234

    Allan234 Well-Known Member

    If there was even a shred of decency in human society I'd be put out of my misery. All humans deserve love, there's somebody for everyone they say, but that really doesn't apply to twisted monstrosities like myself. I know that I don't deserve love or to be loved or even too be happy not even for a day, and even though I want that more than anything in the world I know that I have no right too it.
    All I'm really asking is to be allowed to withdraw from this world with the tiny amount of dignity I have left.
    Why must we fetishise life? It's just the prelude to death, so what if mine comes fifty years earlier. When an animal is in pain, when a disgusting disease ridden rat is in pain you put it out of its misery. Why not this rat? I'm at least ten times as miserable and a hundred times more disgusting.

    I know I'm very young and I know people will just tell me to hold on but I've been feeling depressed and suicidal for several years now and it really isn't getting any better. I have too take pills everyday to try and lessen the pain, <mod edit - methods>
    I wonder why I'm kept alive, is it because normal people can have someone to look down on?
    If there was even a shred of decency in human society I'd be put out of my misery. All humans deserve love, there's somebody for everyone they say, but that really doesn't apply to twisted monstrosities like myself. I know that I don't deserve love or to be loved or even too be happy not even for a day, and even though I want that more than anything in the world I know that I have no right too it. All I'm really asking is to be allowed to withdraw from this world with the tiny amount of dignity I have.
    Why must we fetishise life? It's just the prelude to death, so what if mine comes fifty years earlier. When an animal is in pain, when a disgusting disease ridden rat is in pain you put it out of its misery. Why not this rat? I'm at least ten times as miserable and a hundred times more disgusting
    They give me antidepressants but they really should just kill me, I'm just scum if there was any justice or compassion in humanity I'd be put to deat. Like the fucking disgusting vermin that I am
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2017
  2. Seele

    Seele Active Member

    Hi Allan234,

    That’s some heavy stuff you’re writing and I actually don’t know what I could write to make you feel better.
    I don’t know what background you come from and what happened to make you hurt this much.
    Your words touched me and I’m sure they will stay in my mind for quite some time.
    I just want to tell you, that you are part of this community and that everyone’s life here matters.
    Even if you might not know it, I’m sure you are important to some people and that they will miss you dearly.
    You can count me as one of them now.
    I hope I get to read more of you.
     
  3. Kiwi2016

    Kiwi2016 Forum Pro

    Hi @Allan234, I am sorry that you are suffering so much. I just wanted to welcome you to SF, I am glad that you found this site as you will find it full of individuals who can offer advice and support. There's also the chat room if you're interested in that which is quite active. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that you do matter. So please keep posting.
     
  4. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    what's with all the rat hating? i'm proud of my rat-hood. it means i'm resourceful and a good problem solver, and also stealthy ... unfortunately i have the small beady eyes which makes me unattractive. so that part does suck.

    welcome to SF and stop hating on yourself so much!
     
  5. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    No on here thinks you're "all bad", Allan. Hang in there, man. You are worth of a good and decent like, just like everyone else on the planet.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Your thoughts and feelings are very strong. Are you engaging in any type of therapy? How long have you been on the anti depressants? I am really sorry for the way you are feeling, no one should have to suffer this much human or not but I'm not saying death is the answer but rather the opposite, with therapy you can learn to love and find yourself. I wish you all the best Allan. You truly are suffering too much :(
     
  7. Darkhorse2399

    Darkhorse2399 New Member

    You made me cry, since so much of what you write about relates to me. I can't help you, or support you but just tell you you aren't alone. And no that's not enough, if it was we both wouldn't be here right now. I'm thinking of taking my own life too, and your the only one i've told, literally anyone i've told online or in real life. And im not even sure if this message is gonna even reach you by the time i'm alive. But if your gonna live then take comfort in knowing that someone somewhere once understood you. Because that's all i have.
     
  8. Allan234

    Allan234 Well-Known Member

    Hi Dark horse
    I really hope this message reaches you before you take that most absolute of steps. I wish I had some good encoroging things to say but as you I can offer little else than my sympathy. The world is a very harsh and unforgiving place and can be an unimaginabley crule place for those like you or I who do not fit the arbitrary requirements set for human beings.
    In the end however as someone on this forum told me, we are categorically lying to ourselves if we dismiss even the slightest chance that our lives may change for the better. Even now I still hold the belief that it is possible for life to become better, bearable and perhaps even enjoyable. Suicide is the only definite way to make sure that it will never improve and as the old saying goes "where there's life there's hope". And even though you might not realize it right now you've taken the first step on the hopeful road to recovery by reaching out about your suicidal tendencies. I can say from long and painful experience that it is completely impossible to beat depression by your self (I tried and failed for a year and a half) so you should really try and reach out to someone (preferably someone close to you) it might be a friend a parent or you could try this forum feel free to message me anytime if you want someone who can truly understand what you're going through. And getting a shrink is also something monumentally important. I can say for a fact that I would be dead right now if I hadn't told anyone.
    Now my main point is that life can be truly horrible and it's fully possible to reach points where the only way out seems to be death, but there's always hope as corny and dumb as that may sound. In the end no matter the pain we owe it to ourselves to the mother that bore you and the people around us to make the best effort we can, to not simply go quietly to the grave but fight tooth and nail for every gasp of live. I hope you'll continue fighting, feel free to contact me anytime
     
    Innocent Forever likes this.