I'm scared. I'm depressed, and it got worse when I woke up this morning. A lot worse.
I already started threads about this. So this new thread is a continuation, but what made me start it is how much worse I woke up today.
I'm afraid I can't make it through this time. I have no intention of harming myself today. Yet, if this keeps up, I'm afraid I can't stand it. Then what do I do?
I didn't think I could get this bad. I believed that, as long as my physical health was reasonably okay, I could never get so low that I would try to escape through dying. I didn't think mental pain could be as bad as getting some dread disease, where you die in agony. Right now, even, I'm thinking this is not that bad.
If I were with other people, I would not feel this bad . . . if I were talking with someone . . . mainly about whatever they wanted to talk about. I like to listen.
I live alone for the past 4 years. I was making an effort to chat with neighbors. Now I fear stepping outside my front door. I'm afraid I'll break down sobbing, if a neighbor talks to me. I don't know them well enough for that. I don't want to get labeled as the crazy lady in the front apartment.
Maybe this will ease up. If I could just conjure up a vision I could believe in.
I just got a call from a crisis hot line. I called them yesterday. They wanted to call me back today. The counselor was nice. They seem to believe I'm in bad shape. I don't want cops at the door. I don't want to be locked up either. So I was careful about what I said.
I'm a little better now, probably from taking my morning hydrocodone an hour ago.
I would be grateful, if someone who ever really ran out of hope and recovered could tell me how they did it. I wish everyone a good day. I'ld settle for just getting further away from hell.
I already started threads about this. So this new thread is a continuation, but what made me start it is how much worse I woke up today.
I'm afraid I can't make it through this time. I have no intention of harming myself today. Yet, if this keeps up, I'm afraid I can't stand it. Then what do I do?
I didn't think I could get this bad. I believed that, as long as my physical health was reasonably okay, I could never get so low that I would try to escape through dying. I didn't think mental pain could be as bad as getting some dread disease, where you die in agony. Right now, even, I'm thinking this is not that bad.
If I were with other people, I would not feel this bad . . . if I were talking with someone . . . mainly about whatever they wanted to talk about. I like to listen.
I live alone for the past 4 years. I was making an effort to chat with neighbors. Now I fear stepping outside my front door. I'm afraid I'll break down sobbing, if a neighbor talks to me. I don't know them well enough for that. I don't want to get labeled as the crazy lady in the front apartment.
Maybe this will ease up. If I could just conjure up a vision I could believe in.
I just got a call from a crisis hot line. I called them yesterday. They wanted to call me back today. The counselor was nice. They seem to believe I'm in bad shape. I don't want cops at the door. I don't want to be locked up either. So I was careful about what I said.
I'm a little better now, probably from taking my morning hydrocodone an hour ago.
I would be grateful, if someone who ever really ran out of hope and recovered could tell me how they did it. I wish everyone a good day. I'ld settle for just getting further away from hell.
