I'm scared....

[Vixter]

I'm scared of what I might end up inevitably doing one day. I should be proud of everything I've achieved in my life, everything I've managed to accomplish despite of everything I've been through - losing jobs, homes, sexual assaults, my late boyfriend...

I've known since I was in my teens that I suffered with depression, maybe that is why I feel like such a failure. I wish I was young again so I can talk some sense into myself. Tell myself that whatever life throws at me I'll be strong enough to deal with it even though I know I wont be.

I'm lost without my soulmate...Raj was my life and I miss him every single day. I didn't even get to say goodbye, not properly anyway. All that consumes me most days is how I can be with him forever and if that means leaving this world to enter the next then so be it.

Yes my family would be lost without me, question why they didn't the signs for themselves, why they couldn't have got me the help I needed - whether that be being signed off work and family support or some other form of support but things would get easier for them. I'd want to be remember as the fun loving care free child I once was before this evil disease got a hold of me. My friends on the other hand would be sad that I'm gone but I'd soon be forgotton. How many I wonder would visit my grave every year on the anniversary of my death, my birthday, Christmas etc, not many, in fact none would.

I've made no impact on anyones life. I'm hopeless useless and a big fat loser. Why bother carrying on? I don't want to but I'm scared. I'm scared for me and I'm scared of failing at everything I do. Everything I seem to touch turns to dust. My issues stop me from having functional relationships and I end up hurting people I don't mean to hurt.

I don't like life, it's dealt me some rough times and if I get one more blow I think I'll end up having a melt down. There are things I can do to help myself - yes I can go and talk to the doctor, yes I can speak to my lecturers about my work, yes I can speak to my bosses about my fears and yes I can talk to my family. But each of these options leaves me feeling like a failure in their own way.

So cut short....I'm scared.

 

[NottiShark]

How many I wonder would visit my grave every year on the anniversary of my death, my birthday, Christmas etc, not many, in fact none would.

How about a mental picture your mom visiting your grave EVERYDAY for the rest of her life ? Everyday looking at your name on mobile knowing that you will NEVER again answer her call ? If you have loving family suicide isn't really an option for you.

Also I'm not sure if I should say that but also what personally helped me get rid of suicidal thoughts were real pics of suicide victims. Just google 'suicide gore' and see how suicide REALLY looks like. Then ask yourself if you really want to end up like that ?

 

[Petal]

Vicky-I can relate to a lot, especially the part about being a fun loving care free kid because that is exactly how I want to be remembered too. But please, no. Even if you did die, now that you have grown up they will remember you as you are now ...maybe some pics will bring back warming memories too. No Vicky, this it not what you should do. You have a loving family.... Please try and stay positive.

 

[Vixter]

I'm trying my hardest but sitting here in the office with meetings all afternoon and thinking what is the point? What is the point of my existence when I can barely drag myself out of bed to get into the office everyday?

Still feeling very low and don't know where to turn and not sure how much longer I can keep my brave face on. This site helps so much but there are times when I'm too triggering myself to even come on it, does anyone else get that at all?

 

[meaningless-vessel]

You are responsible for your own actions.

While you are stuck looking backwards, you're ignoring looking forwards.

So you've lost a love of your life, I appreciate that, but what would he be saying to you right now? Would he want you to enjoy what you do have rather than what you don't? Making the best of a bad situation is what most of life is about for most of us. We all go through bad times, some are affected more than others so it takes longer to get around. Those who never give up are those who get the most from life. It's not all about making most money or most friends. It's about self-satisfaction.

Seeking help is not a failure. If anyone's ever told you that, they need a swift kick up the backside. If it's just you telling yourself, you need a kick. But it has to come from within.

Yes, I can understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of the 'relationship' side, and ok, I may have taken it a bit hard at the time. But at the end it, I remember reminding you that it's not wrong to put yourself first.

Life dishes lemons to everyone. Some are just better at handling them than others. Some people need more support than others. It's just a fact that it's never fair, but you need to look at how you are approaching it at the moment. Having the support is better than not having any.

And if your hardest trying is thinking what is the point, you haven't found the inner excess that most people tend to not believe they have. To explain that, I use a personal trainer at a gym as an example. Do they let people quit on them when they feel a bit tired or a bit of pain? No, they encourage people to push through that mental pain barrier, as it gives more benefits in the long run. Sounds like a perfect analogy to not give up when the going gets tough, and that's all it is for many people on this site. It's just a case of patience and persistence.

Also, you might wish to consider finding the best way to say goodbye to Raj as that is something that could be blocking your mind from following the path of the future.

Sorry if any of this is harsh in any way. But sometimes harsh words are better than an arm around the shoulder. You want the carefree, fun-loving attitude back? You have to make it happen. No-one else can do it for you.

 

[Vixter]

Yes Gary that may well be and is in fact true...I'm not looking forwards because I'm constantly looking back - sadly that is what depression and ptsd does to you! You of all people should know that...

No I haven't found that "inner excess" as you describe it because at the moment things are too painful to try to. My life is upside down and no one in my close family or circle of friends know how much I've plummeted back into deep depression. Suicide consumes my thoughts 99% of the time at the moment and I'm finding it hard.

That is why I posted on the forum for some support. That is what I believe the forum to be about - a support network for you when you need it most.

I understand that no one else can get the carefree attitude back for me, I wasn't asking them too....and as for it being harsh - yes it was and to be brutally honest, it isn't what I needed to hear at this point in time. Please be careful with your choice of words...they might just push someone over the edge

 

[Wastingecho]

sitting in my own meetings at work wondering what's the point as well - been doing that for more years than i care to remember - some days are always a lot harder than others

all you can do is go one day, sometimes an hour, minute at a time

we all have the urge to look back and question the choices we've made, rehash the things we've been through - the tricky part is figuring out a way to not live there

 

[Vixter]

Exactly, and I'm just finding it so hard to last each day at a time...each night i go to sleep and secretly hope that i won't wake up again, even though i will have done nothing to harm myself - i just hope that by some miracle i might slip away peacefully in my sleep.

Putting on a brave face is so exhausting, no wonder I'm a miserable cow....but the odd thing is, I look at other peoples problems and think mine are insignificant compared to them, but yet they are weighing me down like a cannonball strapped to my ankles at sea!

Still heres hoping that I'll make it through that next day and the next, even though deep down, its not what i want to do as i want to be at peace and away from this life ultimately

I'm glad that you are still fighting, it gives me hope that it can be achieved and this place on the whole is my support network

 

[Sparky777]

I know the feel of feeling like you're a failure because I've felt it too. And I still do. I'm still trying to figure out how to gain confidence and tell myself that I'm actually worth something, I hope eventually I'll succeed at that. You must continue though. The show goes on. No matter what. Even if you feel like you have nothing more to live for or if you feel like you are a failure, everyone has their own reasons for wanting to die but everyone can also find their own reasons to strive to live. Sometimes it takes years to find it but when you do, it's worth it. I won't put you on a guilt trip but remember that people do care about you (I know it's hard to believe sometimes) and that if you did pass away they would be lost. Living is actually a huge responsibility. It is worth it when you get past all the bullshit though.