I'm scared of what I might end up inevitably doing one day. I should be proud of everything I've achieved in my life, everything I've managed to accomplish despite of everything I've been through - losing jobs, homes, sexual assaults, my late boyfriend... I've known since I was in my teens that I suffered with depression, maybe that is why I feel like such a failure. I wish I was young again so I can talk some sense into myself. Tell myself that whatever life throws at me I'll be strong enough to deal with it even though I know I wont be. I'm lost without my soulmate...Raj was my life and I miss him every single day. I didn't even get to say goodbye, not properly anyway. All that consumes me most days is how I can be with him forever and if that means leaving this world to enter the next then so be it. Yes my family would be lost without me, question why they didn't the signs for themselves, why they couldn't have got me the help I needed - whether that be being signed off work and family support or some other form of support but things would get easier for them. I'd want to be remember as the fun loving care free child I once was before this evil disease got a hold of me. My friends on the other hand would be sad that I'm gone but I'd soon be forgotton. How many I wonder would visit my grave every year on the anniversary of my death, my birthday, Christmas etc, not many, in fact none would. I've made no impact on anyones life. I'm hopeless useless and a big fat loser. Why bother carrying on? I don't want to but I'm scared. I'm scared for me and I'm scared of failing at everything I do. Everything I seem to touch turns to dust. My issues stop me from having functional relationships and I end up hurting people I don't mean to hurt. I don't like life, it's dealt me some rough times and if I get one more blow I think I'll end up having a melt down. There are things I can do to help myself - yes I can go and talk to the doctor, yes I can speak to my lecturers about my work, yes I can speak to my bosses about my fears and yes I can talk to my family. But each of these options leaves me feeling like a failure in their own way. So cut short....I'm scared.