I'm scared

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Viktor, Jul 22, 2014.

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  1. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    I will be moving to the new apartment soon. I'm forced to. I wrote more about it in my first thread here: http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?134106-No-friends-no-love-no-job

    Now i just wanna say that... i am extremely scared and depressed. Please, don't tell me to go see doctor or stuff like that. I've been trying that in the past. I don't have depressions without a cause. So no therapist would help me unless he/she fixed my problems. And that is why i'm scared. I'm scared of moving and living alone. I'm scared that no one will be there for me and i will always be alone. I miss friends and love. My family are so much ignorant people. They don't even try to understand. Even though i was explaining my problems many times. They are so materialistic. And i hate to say it, but i don't wanna be around them anymore. And i'm scared because when i have job, i am unable to keep the job for a longer time and then i am always forced to ask my family for help. And i'm scared that saying all this stuff here or wherever is pretty useless, because saying it here won't help me anyway, same as saying that to therapist. It just costs money which i don't have. I know i should do something with myself, but i feel so down that i am unable to do anything. My father is selling our house and that process is happening since the beginning of this year. And i feel pretty sad and lonely for about 10 years already, but since my father started selling the house, my depressions has doubled. And i am so sensitive to what's going on around me now. So for about 3 weeks now, nobody was talking about the house selling and moving and nothing was happening around that stuff, even though i know that the day when i'll have to move is coming. But i was able to stabilize myself. I was doing videos on youtube and stuff and it helped me to start think about something else. But now two days ago, my sister emailed me and was telling me how we will do it with the house selling and with my new apartment, etc. Because she is actually giving me her apartment and she is buying a different one for herself. So she was telling me how we will do it with transferring all the stuff like electricity on me, etc... She also told me that she painted walls there and fixed toilet. And i didn't know about it, but she wants now $1000 from me for it, even though i didn't tell her that i want her to paint walls and fix toilet. Well, i will have money from the house selling but it doesn't matter. Since she came up with it, i feel extremely down. I feel like i can't do anything. Not even the youtube now. Whatever i do, i cannot do it for long or i will start to feel depressed. Even from doing nothing. I don't know what to do. I am basically terrified from moving to the new apartment alone. Make no mistake, i am ok with living on my own. But not alone. That's different. And my money will actually run out and i will be screwed. But if i wouldn't be alone and had someone who would love me and cared for me, i would have more strength to try for something. But i am alone. I don't wanna be alone. And i know it's useless to say all those stuff, because letting it out isn't helping me anymore. Because stuff is going on in my life. It's not like i will say all this here and i will feel better. Because it won't stop those stuff from going on. I don't know what to do :'(
     
  2. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    Even writing this thread took me a lot of effort now. I have a lot to say actually. I wanted to post more about the stuff when people are pushing away sad people. But i have no strength for that.
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I wish there was something I could do or say to help. :hug: Just want you to know that I care and understand where you're coming from. I know what it's like to have to deal with family who doesn't get it, doesn't listen and is clueless.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your sister will live close to you then and you have contact to her so you will not be alone ok Look up the community supports where you are moving so if you need their help you will have the phone number to call someone It is scarey for sure change is but one learns to eventually adapt hun i know that much hugs
     
  5. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    I know you are the most kind person i ever met on internet and i'm grateful you are being in contact with me :) But as you know, only online chatting simply doesn't help me anymore, even though it's better than nothing. Thank you so much Cherry :hug:

    I'm pretty sure i will adapt by time. The problem is that i love it here where i live now and i don't wanna abandon it here. I don't like it much on the new place. But the biggest problem is that i will live there alone.
    As for my sister, as i said, i'm not feeling well around my family anymore. I feel more depressed with them, than when i'm alone. If you would watch all my life as a movie, you would understand. So no, my sister wouldn't be any help to me. Thanks for the message though.
     
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    What do you want out of life besides finding the woman to love you back?

    Do you have a career or a job to keep you busy? A hobby?
     
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Youre so right about women and no job. With my experience, women as my friends can be very judgemental about a mans ability to make a living/no job. Like you said before its appearances before other things like personality and jobs are a security net for a woman and her potential offspring. Its nothing personal against women.

    A career represents stability, not a job. It doesnt mean suits and 8 to 4 job. Just a better sense of driection in what your goals and dreams are to make something out of yourself. Find a niche that youre happy with and things will fall in place. Finding happiness within yourself would make it more of an attractive package deal.as well as increasing your chances of meeting the quality woman of your dreams. Your sister is not you. Its your own life to live and its your own driection what you want to do.

    I believe you can do it. Youre very intelligent and got just to figure out what it is. Many people change their careers/jobs few times in their lives to find what makes them happy.
     
  8. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    So our house is already sold. And i will be moving in 14 days. I am so depressed now. Before when such things wasn't happening and i was just feeling alone, some other stuff was helping me. Like watching movies, playing games, etc... But now... there is the moving that is coming close and i'm so afraid of that. Nothing is helping me now. Everything i enjoy is being disturbed by the moving thoughts. And my father moving and selling the furniture isn't helping it at all. It's like i'm panicking inside. I don't know what to do. And i will live alone in the new apartment. First month probably with my sister till she moves to her new apartment, which will be really bad. And i don't like that place too. And i will have money from the sold house, but i will run out of them eventually. I am most of the time jobless. It's hard for me to find job and to keep one. I am afraid of my future. I am so scared of everything now. And i'm alone to all this. Nobody here to hug me and to be here for me. I'm really desperate now. Please help :'(
     
  9. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Have you been on your own before? Its rough moving to any place. Its one of lifes biggest stressors.
     
  10. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    Thanks for reply. No, i haven't been on my own yet. But this is not the problem for me. And actually living without my father i see as good. I will rather live alone than with my father. But the problem is my future. It's hard for me to find job and to keep one. And i am psychically very weak, because i am alone for pretty long time now. The loneliness is causing me depressions and it's hard to go out and looking for job and being rejected over and over again. I feel like i can't handle anything alone anymore. I would like to live with someone who loved me. Means woman obviously. But as i said, chances for me to find love are low, because every woman wants you to be financially secured, which i'm not sure if i will be secured. But to try hard for some job and be secured, i need inner strength and for that i need some support. Someone who would be here for me and loved me. So i am trapped in this circle and don't know what to do about it :(
     
  11. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Hang in there, take it one day at a time. Focus on getting settled in and one step a time. Maybe new place will have nice available and single lady neighbors
     
  12. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    I am so scared now. I have just been check the new apartment where i will move on wednesday. I know that apartment, because my sister lives there. I will be living there with her for about month till she moves to her new apartment. I needed to go look at it again, because i didn't remember it so well. I needed to see how big those rooms are, so i know what furnitures of mine will fit there. I have been there with my father. And that apartment is so dark. It has small windows and it looks like some damn cellar. Sun can't get there, because 20 meter from the windows is another house with apartments. And that house is higher than i thought. I can't see the sky from window. I loved to watch stars here in night. I can come out on the back of the house and watch stars here. There is no chance for that in the new apartment. And all that dark atmosphere. Maybe it was also because it was raining, but still, that house is terrible. Like a cellar or some clinic maybe. Because outside there are big houses and when you speak there, you hear echo. Nature is not much visible there. I love nature and trees. There is a lot of it here. Nothing like that is there. The atmosphere looks so sad to me there and i wanted to cry so much when i was there.
    My father acts same stupid as my mother. He was saying how everything is functional and how the apartment is nice and stuff like that, even though he knows how much i don't wanna leave this place and he must have seen that i am about to explode with cry, because my eyes was red. When he moved to bedroom and started showing me how everything works there, i had to start leaving. It must have been clear how much i am "satisfied" with all that. But he was still smiling. Didn't show even a little that he understands me. Because he doesn't. No such things as some understanding words and hugs from him. If at least someone lived there with me. Not my sister. She is same as the rest of my family.

    I never felt so terrible and depressed and sad as now. Knowing that it is inevitable and that in wednesday, i will move there, no mater what, it feels like i really wanna die. I am suffering from loneliness for 11 years, but i never felt really suicidal. But i do now. I don't wanna move. I don't want that to happen. I just can't handle it. I never felt so much panic inside. That apartment is terrible. Whole that place is terrible. Please help somebody. I know you can't. I know that nobody can help me. But i don't know what to do. I can't go on like this no more. I can't move there :'(

    Now i should be packing up. This is like bad nightmare :'(
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 11, 2014
  13. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Viktor. I'm sorry this is such a hard time for you.

    The cloud cover probably did make it darker than usual. If the interior is dark, do you have some lamps that you can scatter around inside to make it brighter? What color are the walls? I have very light cream walls because it makes it brighter in my apartment.

    Change is often a scary thing for many of us. Perhaps you could focus on doing up one part of the apartment at a time? Maybe make a one part of it extra-comfortable so you have one spot that you really like, then start working on setting up the rest of the place so it is as homey as possible.

    Keep posting and let us know how it's going! Wishing the best with this! :hug:
     
  14. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    Thank you Acy. I do have lamps, but i don't wanna spend too much electricity. I am jobless. I don't have any income. I do have money now from the house sale, but i still need to spare money because i know how hard it is for me to find job and to keep one.

    The walls are white. I do like bright colors on walls, but white makes it depressive. I would like cream. That could be nice.

    The apartment has two rooms, but i will live mostly in one room only, where my PC will be. It's same like i have it here now. I have connected my PC to my 80 cm TV and laying on bed. I will do the same there. It is comfortable. But it won't change the fact that the depressive atmosphere will be embracing me all the time there.

    The posting is not helping me anymore. Though i still will be posting. Until i am alone, i am like dead. Please, is there anyone here from Czech republic? From Prague city? I am so desperate :'( That place, house and the apartment in it feels like hospital. I can't be there alone :'(
     
  15. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    Another reason why the new apartment is dark is because it has windows oriented only on one side. The old house which i'm still in has windows on front and on back. Means the light goes from both sides and that means there is always light, if you understand what i mean. In the new apartment, light goes from only one side. Means the other side is always really dark. In other words, the further i am from the windows, the darker it gets. The darkest part is of course out of the rooms where windows are. On the hallway, where the entrance to the apartment is. This looks really scary. And even the windows side is shaded by the high apartment building that is about 20 meter from the windows. Means whole apartment is pretty dark. Sun cannot get there.
    When i was there today, i really felt like it was bad dream. I wanted to go home so much. When i came back home again, it felt like i woke up from that bad dream. But here's the problem. The bad dream will become every day reality for me from wednesday. You can't imagine how i feel. I am in terrible panic. My father left today and will come back tomorrow. I fear i might do something to prevent the moving from happening or even to prevent the day ever come for me. I just feel like i really can't move there.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 11, 2014
  16. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    Tonight, i couldn't sleep. I was so depressed that i thought i'm gonna call ambulance for myself. I was in so much panic. My head felt like it's sweating. I almost thought i'm not gonna survive till morning. Then i fell a sleep for few hours. I'm really worried about myself.
     
  17. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    Please help... I am in such a pain now... I fear i'm not gonna make it. I don't know what to do. I need to talk with anybody :'(
     
  18. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Viktor. I am really sorry you are feeling so low- just know you definitely are not alone. Is there anything in particular triggering you today? Therapy taught me to find a positive in whatever is going on, no matter how small it is...maybe that will help. We are here for you :hug:
     
  19. Viktor

    Viktor Well-Known Member

    I so fear of the new apartment. There is no positive thoughts that could help me now, because everything positive is immediately disturbed by the fear of moving. I am spending last day in this house. I love it here so much. I don't wanna leave. I don't wanna move from here to that apartment that is dark as cellar. I am in such a panic now :'( I know i talk weird. I don't know what to do. There is nothing to do against it :'( Wish someone was here with me and was with me in the new apartment. I am alone for everything. Im crying here all day :'(
     
  20. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I've read through the whole thread and I can certainly understand your fears, im living with family now even though i am entitled to rent allowance for an apartment. I'd be too scared to live alone, i'd hate the loneliness. Wish I had some advice, words of wisdom but all I can say now is you have us and i really do feel so bad for you :( i wish you the best and you're not weird. Totally normal to me. :hug:
     
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