My parents are divorced and last week, my father asked me for the scanner my mom had to his condo (which my mom and I used to live in before we moved out after the divorce) so that he could keep it as a spare. I snuck the scanner out of the house to give it to him because I knew that if I asked, she'd get so mad at me and now I'm anticipating a huge fight when she finds out. I wish I didn't have to worry about things like this. I don't blame my parents for divorcing at all, but I really wish that they would have put in the effort to make the separation as amicable as possible so that it wouldn't have to take such a huge toll on me. I wish I didn't have to be at the centre of the divorce proceedings and fights and my mom's emotions since the age of 11. It's been nine years, and I'm so jaded. She still yells at me anytime my father or sister does something that she doesn't like. I have to pay for the sins of everyone else. The divorce was sparked by something that my sibling did, but they escaped and the brunt of it all fell on me. I feel like I'm my family's litter box.
I'm worried about university as well. It's been my dream for years and years to study abroad like my sibling did, but I'm so scared that my parents won't pay for it. My father and I had lunch today and we were discussing the funds and he mentioned how much money he intended to give me and it won't even cover my tuition & it's less than a third of what my sibling got. I'm scared that he expects that my mother will cover the rest using her alimony money but she's really frugal and I know that she won't, which means that I won't be able to go. I could attend a local university but it would be heartbreaking for me to give up the dream of studying abroad. I really want to move out of my mom's house and have my own living space, even if it's just a cramped dorm room. I'd have freedom for the first time and I'd finally be able to transition after years of being in the closet, worrying about how much my parents would react. I'd have a fresh start in a country where no one knows me. It would be a new beginning after years of suffering. If the universe is listening, please let me have this one nice thing.
And gosh I'm worried about transitioning. I feel so confused and ashamed. I don't understand why I feel this way. I desperately want to look like a woman and be treated as a woman, and I feel so disgusted with myself for it. I'm scared that people will think that I'm a pervert because it's not true at all. I dread the thought of opening up about this to my family. I know that they won't support me and I feel awful thinking about how much I'm going to be put down. I'm already at such a low point. I'm scared that I'll never be able to look the way I want to and be satisfied with my appearance. I'm scared of the huge financial and social costs of transitioning. And I'm scared that I'll never find love & acceptance in my life, that I'll spend the rest of my life feeling like I'm living on a different planet from everyone else.
I'm scared about employment too. I don't have any inclination towards STEM at all and I don't think that I could get into a prestigious university to study business. I intend to pursue a humanities subject that I really love but I'm worried about my graduate prospects considering that I don't want to go into teaching or academia. Every time I look up advice about parlaying a humanities degree into a career in finance or something, it's always about marketing yourself as someone who can do extensive reading & research and analyse that information, but with the proliferation of all of these AI tools I'm worried that these skills won't be valuable anymore.
I feel so awful about my future. I just want my life to end so I won't have to worry about these things anymore. I'm struggling so much with my day-to-day life... I hope I don't completely lose the glimmers of hope for the future that I have. I wish that people in my life understood how much pain I'm in because I feel so alone.
I'm worried about university as well. It's been my dream for years and years to study abroad like my sibling did, but I'm so scared that my parents won't pay for it. My father and I had lunch today and we were discussing the funds and he mentioned how much money he intended to give me and it won't even cover my tuition & it's less than a third of what my sibling got. I'm scared that he expects that my mother will cover the rest using her alimony money but she's really frugal and I know that she won't, which means that I won't be able to go. I could attend a local university but it would be heartbreaking for me to give up the dream of studying abroad. I really want to move out of my mom's house and have my own living space, even if it's just a cramped dorm room. I'd have freedom for the first time and I'd finally be able to transition after years of being in the closet, worrying about how much my parents would react. I'd have a fresh start in a country where no one knows me. It would be a new beginning after years of suffering. If the universe is listening, please let me have this one nice thing.
And gosh I'm worried about transitioning. I feel so confused and ashamed. I don't understand why I feel this way. I desperately want to look like a woman and be treated as a woman, and I feel so disgusted with myself for it. I'm scared that people will think that I'm a pervert because it's not true at all. I dread the thought of opening up about this to my family. I know that they won't support me and I feel awful thinking about how much I'm going to be put down. I'm already at such a low point. I'm scared that I'll never be able to look the way I want to and be satisfied with my appearance. I'm scared of the huge financial and social costs of transitioning. And I'm scared that I'll never find love & acceptance in my life, that I'll spend the rest of my life feeling like I'm living on a different planet from everyone else.
I'm scared about employment too. I don't have any inclination towards STEM at all and I don't think that I could get into a prestigious university to study business. I intend to pursue a humanities subject that I really love but I'm worried about my graduate prospects considering that I don't want to go into teaching or academia. Every time I look up advice about parlaying a humanities degree into a career in finance or something, it's always about marketing yourself as someone who can do extensive reading & research and analyse that information, but with the proliferation of all of these AI tools I'm worried that these skills won't be valuable anymore.
I feel so awful about my future. I just want my life to end so I won't have to worry about these things anymore. I'm struggling so much with my day-to-day life... I hope I don't completely lose the glimmers of hope for the future that I have. I wish that people in my life understood how much pain I'm in because I feel so alone.
